This somewhat captures what I HAD

Lights out Alice!

Link to the spoken poetry titled "Slow motion wala pyaar" by Priya Malik that inspired this blog:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2xqd-GX9oY

This is something that somewhat captures what I was PRIVILEGED to have in the last few months of my course. She never saw me that way and I was just a nerd. She gave me her time and her consideration and we grew into it, spent time together, shared a lot of memories and soon enough, it ended. The time we shared just reinforced my initial assumption while it did make her consider me even though she was in no state to give due consideration.

She will always be a superhero for caring more about me and my emotions even though she was herself tired, scarred and healing. She was wounded but instead of focusing on the million problems she had, she gave me time. Those 2 am meet ups, those hours and hours of conversation even though she was dealing with a lot of background issues, just went on to show how much she tried and how much she gave me a consideration where she didn't need to.

Wow, I lost a gem Alice!

Here's where I beg to differ

Lights out Alice!

No, I am not being childish, brutish, selfish, impudent or disrespectful. If anything, I am just being hopeful and a believer. I know for a fact that I will not cross the line that was drawn and that I am supposed to let her go as she did not feel the same way about me (it did not reach a level of significance for an extension of our 2 month evaluation). I will always respect her wishes and her happiness does take precedence for me.

But where I beg to differ is not having hope. As long as I don't impose my feelings on others, which I won't, what is wrong in hoping and still longing for her? Obviously, it should not be an obsession or anything that crosses lines or makes anybody uncomfortable. I am not stating that I will stalk or be a part of her life. On the contrary, slowly and surely, I will fade away. Conversations will become sparse and topics will become harder to come by.

But all it reminds me is of a time when we could spend hours (sometimes even 5-6) with each other, just talking and enjoying each other's company. I never understood how hours would go by and those hours would be such a happy time, just sitting and watching her and being present in the moment in her warmth and in her company. I could never describe it aptly, but in those moments, sitting and watching her, just being herself, with all her emotions and her actions, was enough for me. 

Those moments gave me a shot of bliss which was  immediately followed by a throbbing pain of sadness, because I knew deep down, that this moment was fleeting and all I had were those two months with you. I saw that you tried your best to show your affection while trying to heal from your past. I would always get absorbed in those tiny fingers, moving with vigorous intent when describing anything that interested you. That happy smile and chuckle, followed by casual flip of the hair, when you would let yourself be free, talk out your troubles and but the tensions and pressures that you carry along with you all the time aside and just for once, give yourself the permission to be free. Those moments when you came and sat by my side even though I was being unreasonable. Those moments when you slipped away from your friends to come and spend time with me, even though I made you sit in the most unhospitable of places, the fire exit. You didn't have to give me due consideration or process. You did not owe me anything. But you did.

You always came back. You always texted. You always apologized, even when you weren't really wrong. You always cared. I could never have asked for anything more. The amount of love and care that you showed, even when you were hurting and healing, is something that I will forever be grateful for and which is why it hurts so much so see you go. It would be an honour to have somebody so caring in my life but I know you are meant for bigger things and I might not be the right one for you.

Again, I did really fall for her and gave it my best shot ( I could always do better and could have listened to her better) and I would never force anything from her. Sorry that I overstepped a few times and set unreasonable expectations. I realize my mistake and I did fall short on that front.

I still get periods of shocking pain and emotional deluge thinking about her, which occurs a few times a day. Whenever this happens, I go back to these memories and think of how, in such a short time, we had so many memories together. So much fun, so much time spent together, the ups and the downs, the joy of watching you eat good food and my inability to do small things right. I try, to bring in the bad parts into my evaluation in equal weightage and discount if I am overcounting the good stuff, but in the end, I still think it would be an honour. I was lucky. I did nothing to deserve such happiness and hence can do nothing about it being taken away from me. 

I am sad that you are now gone. But I am grateful and lucky for the time we shared. I will always hope for a tomorrow together. Thank you and I am still deeply and madly in L with you. Which is scary Alice! But I am okay with this scared and overwhelming feeling because after all the calculations and analysis, she is so damn worth it!

How dare I dream of a different life

Lights out Alice!

As I sit here writing this, things around me are going to hell and provoking me to lose my calm, a reaction which will only make things worse and the situation out of hand. What really gets my goat is that I used to be better than this. I was able to be more patient, less impulsive and could see through situations better and control my reactions for the greater good.

It seems that the eight months spent in a responsibility-less delusion, aka hostel, made me think that just acting out of impulse without caring about the impact of our actions is the right way to go about life since everyone needs to be told about the truth of their actions immediately and exactly when their nerves are heightened. See, I couldn't even finish the sentence without realising the stupidity of such a response.

Side segue: Yet, in the fog of chasing someone, I forgot my basic principles and abandoned my values. I expected something for my effort and put the burden on the other person, even though they had clarified outright that they could not and would not reciprocate at that level. When pouring in the effort, I had clarified that I would hold no grudges, make no demands and walk straight out. But when push came to shove and the time came to walk away, I did put unreasonable expectations on the other side. I was wrong.

The other person pointed also pointed out a critical flaw in my world view, I have lived a life wherein I will not take any help from any person as a form of stroking of my own ego I guess. A by-product of this rule is that whenever someone shows even a small amount of gratitude, I overthink and extrapolate and make a mountain out of a molehill. A good friend texted about a casual chit-chat dinner tomorrow and suddenly I spiralled out of control making deductions, assumptions, implications, clarifications and in general stress and anxiety of meeting people and their expectations, my reactions and contemplating and planning for different scenarios, all of which immediately wore me down.

It's all in my head and I am the one that is making it all up and making the wrong analysis.

Coming back to my present situation: How dare I dream of something normal, although normal doesn't really exist in real life? Every situation has its peculiarities, every household their quarrels, but the repetitiveness and the never ending drudgery of my situation (although again I think it is me putting my problems on a pedestal) makes me think that dad was right...I should accept that this is all I will ever be and just give up. That I should make my peace that I cannot change anything and this situation, my life right now, the condition that I am in, the mistakes I have made with people around me is now what it will forever remain and that I should make my peace with it.

Somehow, or maybe because I am looking at it in retrospect, rebelling against the above and not giving up was easier. There was an easy path to rebel, just go for higher education in a good institute. It didn't really contribute anything towards getting me closer to the real goals I have for myself, but it did give the society and the people around me a false impression that I was moving ahead. To be honest, if anything, I have moved back from my goals. My desire has faded, second thoughts have flooded me and the reality of responsibility has overwhelmed me.

I guess I am the problem...

Lights out Alice! 

Why does it bother me so much? Why do incorrect implications and mean words from people I care about get my goat so much? Why do I get the urge to correct them, the anger boiling in me to stop them from spewing incorrect nonsense when they are angry? Why can I just not shut up and stay quiet and let people tell whatever the hell they want, regardless of the correct or the incorrect nature of their statements, regardless of the consequence of their words. Why do I feel the need to step in and set the record straight all the time even though I know that 99% of the time, interjecting someone who is lashing out will only lead to heightened rage, worse outcomes and strained relationships.

The problem is not that I don’t understand that I need to keep quiet, it’s the fact that this strains me, fills me with rage, that I bottle and then it gets pent up and comes out at the worst moment. A slip of emotions at a moment that just makes the entire situation exponentially worse, at the precipice of strained emotions, a spark that ignites the entire forest. Everything just goes to hell from there.

Another person had previously mentioned that whatever I was dealing with was nothing relative to the real pain other people were facing and I was even less impacted since it was not directly happening to me. At that time, since I had been away from the situation for over half a year, I had forgotten how toxic it could be and how painful it was.

Coming back home to this situation and seeing how I have become worse at controlling my emotions and situation has more likely worsened, I think it is still bad. Or maybe I am just bad at controlling my emotions and any other person would be able to handle it better. It is just that when the situation escalates around me, the rage and anger boils over and just puts me under a lot of stress trying to keep myself in check. I know that if I keep quiet and let it slide, it will all be over soon, but incorrect and wrong things said, even in the heat of the moment is something I cannot stand and my rage boils over.

It's just sad Alice that I was much better at controlling myself and now I need to start again from scratch because my current behaviour is just not acceptable.

Quotes that appeal and are polarizing

Lights out Alice!

I always have my shields up when it comes to motivational speeches and videos or even wise quotes and analogies. Most of them are generically specific in the sense that it is relatable enough for most situations and people presume it is being specific enough that it filters people and their situation well enough to segregate them into or out of this bucket. As an overthinker and serial sympathizer, I can just about fit myself in any bucket I want to. Which is why I know it is not that straight or simple.

We connect with any quote or speech or video because some part of it clicks and resonates with our situation. This does not necessarily mean we are picking up the entire message or the point, just that we picked up enough for us to take notice. We may arrive at a different conclusion, not necessarily the one that we are supposed to have or the one quote was trying to take us to.

Next issue with such quotes or videos is the fact that they do not tell us about the underlying assumptions or context that led to this point before suggesting the way forward. They do not give outright disclaimers on what the fallout of a particular course of action would be and when one should and shouldn't go ahead with it.

All we are given is, here is the quote, here is the solution, do what you want with it. To this, I chuckle, because we as humans, we trip over each other to listen to these helpful motivational quotes and videos,  (akin to a black friday sale) without understanding the implication or the effect, hoping it would erase all our misdeeds or shortcomings.

That said, here are a few favourite quotes I found earlier today:

1. Life is a series of choices that produces a result that matches your value

2. We go back to people that have rejected us because:

• It is comfortable
• It is not easy being alone with our thoughts
• We are looking back at the past with rose tinted glasses and forgetting the bad and exaggerating the good
• Impulse

3. Once a door closes on a relationship, doesn't matter if they come back knocking, be wary of their true intentions and let them in slowly, if at all.

4. "Most of the time the people we like don't like us back. It's just life. Romeo and Juliet were the exception, not the rule."

5. "Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other...what about those people that fall in love all alone? "

...Knowing that she cries for someone else when you cry for her...when you put in ten fold the effort, go to farther corners than anybody else would have to ensure that things are okay and it does not have the same impact...and you realize that life and love is not a mathematical equation that has to add up. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean that they will love you back. Just because you put in the time and the effort and the gestures, it doesn't put any burden on the other person to reciprocate.

It still hurts Alice, but less than yesterday and I have started picking up the pieces!

Just another heartbreak musing

Lights out Alice! Thank you for being patient with me and I am sorry that I am still wallowing in pain and droning about the same topic. I am sure I am not the first person to go through this and others have definitely have had it worse and suffered for far longer, but I am doing my best to process it the way I know how. Again, I do realize there are people in this world who have REAL problems, REAL pain and REAL heartbreak. I am privileged and entitled, no doubt. But given these realities, I still have to live my life and keep marching on in the way I know how to.

The next few paragraphs are the emotions that I jotted down late night yesterday:

I am in mental pain all the time. Eyes welled up, close to tears but never sad enough to cry. Just in pain. This pain gets worse because she was sensible enough and she didn't feel the same way about me which means I have no reason to be angry, but I am.

It just f***ing sucks that I get to lose her. That she didn't see it the same way that I did. That's not on her and again, I don't have any resentment or anger over the outcome or the verdict, just the fact that I lost a gem. I know that she was it, she was definitely out of my league as per my ranking index and the way she handled an inconsiderate and clingy person like me went on to reinforce my initial judgement of her.

The next thing is, I don't disagree with her second assessment of the fact that I should not be hurting this much. I have no right to. She was kind enough to give me time when others would have shooed me away, kind enough to handle my idiosyncrasies, which, believe me there are a lot of and still consider me in a comprehensive and objective manner, which is more than most have ever done for me. To that I will forever be grateful. 

She did teach me a lot about life and love, an area where I sorely lacked any kind of real world experience. What is even more superhuman was that she did all this while trying to heal from her past, something that left a deep scar and would need a long time to recover from. I can't even begin to fathom the strength that one needs to be so mature and objective in their world view to care for others, even when they are bleeding. 

I really lost a gem of a person Alice and damn, she was a rockstar in her own right!

Thank you for the memories...you will forever be held dear!

Isn't the key to always want to keep growing?

Lights out Alice!

The past few days have been one where I have had a lot of thoughts go through my head at crazy speeds but crucially it was also the fact that I am procrastinating on understanding what my medium term future will look like and how I should go about things. Again, I am not saying that it will work out the way I will envision it, but understanding what some of my options are helps me cope with my anxiety and calms me down a bit.

If you could go back and change something, what would you change?

Myself.

I would laugh a bit more.
Be kinder to people.
Be there more often for the people that cared for me.
Be less grumpy at my parents and show them even 1% of the patience that they show to me even though I have done nothing in life to deserve it.
Remind myself more often that it was all in my head, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad.
It was all in my head, my interpretation and my insecurities.

And in the end, when all is said and done, it's alright. It's my opportunity that I lost. It's my immaturity that limited me. But it's now my tomorrow to improve and grow upon.

I should have been better.
I should have known better.
I should have stopped sooner.
I should have forgiven faster.
I should have held on lesser.
I should have tried harder.

I always think about doing something for the greater good, but in the end, it remains just that, a thought in my head. I get really pissed off at myself that all these years of education, all the institutions singing the same song of a sense of duty and in the end, all we really care about is lining up our own pockets and our own salaries and how insignificant we are to even try to make a dent in this world.

To that, I scoff. I snark at it because it is a sorry excuse to justify lazy and insolent behaviour towards the society. Everyone can make a difference, the real difference between the doers and the moaners is that one set chooses to go out there and do it while the other set keeps waiting for the perfect alignment of stars, but not just any alignment, an alignment so designed that it could never happen, conveniently and connivingly enough so that they can blame circumstance instead of themselves. I am guilty of the same behaviour and I really hope that if I can be cognizant enough to call out this behaviour, something that doesn't take more than 1% effort, I can also start working towards the 99% of the rest of it.

I am nothing but a waste of space Alice!

"After Life" is so good

Lights out Alice!

It is always the ones that you never see coming, the ones that you do not expect would be anything more than just an outlet to waste time upon, end up becoming the ones that inflict the maximum (damage) sea-change in your psyche. 

After Life, on Netflix, by Ricky Gervais, was exactly this for me. Given the nature of this extended, carefree, work-less and responsibility-less post MBA holiday, I have regularly been on Netflix mindlessly scrolling for semi-decent while also not being too relatable content to wile away time. 

Whenever I am in a dark headspace I turn to dark humor to give me perspective on how I should feel or how my pain pales in comparison to the shit that is out there in the world. Who am I kidding though, I just like brooding and introspecting through serious stories that talk about real people, real pain and how it affects them. As I have also mentioned previously, I have learnt more from TV series and Netflix dramas than I have through talking to real people and having real life experiences. 

However, there is a funny yet serious caveat that has occurred due to my habit of trying to derive wisdom from TV series. I have a habit of watching everything at 1.5x or 2x or skipping the parts where the pain is too visceral and is affecting me. This is just another way of saying that even though the person in the TV series is going through a difficult time or pain, it is too much for me to bear and I am relating to it too much. I cannot disassociate and think of their actions or reactions as something that is my responsibility to some extent.

What this also points towards is my bad habit of transference. I am treating the pain the protagonist or whoever I decide to follow closely in the TV series as my pain. Their actions as a reflection of what I should or shouldn't do. Hence, it has even gotten to the point where I am unable to continue watching a series because I feel too overwhelmed because the people I am following keep making poor decisions and playing with their morals, which is too much for me to bear. 

I don't think this is a good way of dealing with life, if I take something as impersonal as  TV series, made for millions of people, and start taking it so personally that the actions of the protagonist becomes a reflection of my behaviour and hence if they are happy or sad, do good things or bad, affects my head and my mental state. Dude, seriously...the one thing that I have always been told (of the many wrong things pointed out in me) is the fact that I take everything too personally and I should not take everything to heart. Sadly, I do. Sadly, things affect me. They affect me to the core and if I see people I care about having a bad day, I get affected by it too. I know it limits me too. But seeing people I care about in pain is too painful for me.

Which is sad, because life is bad and I cannot affect anything.

I need to get better Alice!

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." - Khalil Gibran

Starting from scratch is scary

Lights out Alice!

As was expected, my words are stronger than my will or my actions. I used to claim that I will be okay, whatever the situation. No, I didn't mean that I would not struggle, be broken or feel vulnerable, but there was that underlying belief that I will make it through the day, regardless of the severity of the situation.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe that I will get through this. The difference right now is that the pieces of routine and the SOPs that I had created in my head to prepare myself for this exact situation has now been torn to shreds. I don't mind rebuilding, hopefully I build better, but it is okay if I build worse as well, since the fact that I could rebuild myself would be good enough for me.

This feeling reminds me of when I go running. Everyday, even though I have been running for a while now, I go through the same emotion at the start of the run. It is one of the reasons I keep coming back to running. Doesn't matter that I have ran over a 100 5k runs at this point, the start is still difficult. It still requires a certain level of mental preparation and goading to get on with the job. I don't know if it is the same for others, but at the start, I still don't believe I can make it. If I start with the thought that I have to cover 5000 metres, I immediately get overwhelmed and run worse and might even not make it. If I forget about the end or the complete task at hand and just focus on one part, say the first stretch of 400 metres, focus on my breathing and get it in a good place, get into a rhythm, make sure my steps are in the right place, a place where I am not over-exerting, then I can get through it better. If I think of pushing and how much I need to push, again I get overwhelmed and I fail at reaching the target. If I turn it into segments in which I will push followed by segments in which I will focus on recovery while running slower than usual, all the while listening to my body clearly and being on the lookout for any indicators, I will run better. 

This can be extrapolated to give an insight into my psyche. I am a person who fails to perform in the spotlight because he has chosen to shun the light for far too long. I am a person who takes it one step at a time and the enormity of any task, when looked at from an end to end perspective, can throw me out of gear and get me off my game. I get too focused on the outcome and what all I need to do to get to it, any slight inconvenience or deviation, real or imaginary, gets exponentially compounded in my head, all my focus and energy gets directed on figuring out the impact of the deviation, the different scenarios that need to happen to get me back on track and how it needs to play out. If writing this process scenario, which to be honest is an abbreviated form of the entire process that plays out in my head, is already this tiring and cumbersome, imagine my head after this. All this is being done in under 5 seconds, after which the greatest hits (read the worst case scenario) gets played in a loop over and over again. Remember it started with me running. No, right. Exactly, why running gets affected. This is a small sample of how my overthinking brain works. I would like to tell you that this was the worst level but this is barely more than the mean of the intensity curve, if that. 

If my scatterbrain ever comes back to this, which I know it will never, given that by definition I don't linger on thoughts but rather jump to and fro not unlike a bee, buzzing away and never staying still long enough to actually make something valuable of my thoughts, UNLIKE a bee. I am just a big pile of hot gas, nothing of tangible value. The point I was trying to make was that I am super in awe of the ability of Vihang to visualize everything in a visual form, be it a graph or a 2 by 2 matrix. I really hope I work towards it and integrate it in my toolkit, even if it is at 10% of the level Vihang was at.

Lights out Alice!

But there is one thing...

Lights out Alice!

Time really clarifies a lot of things and even though currently not a lot of time has passed and the wound is still raw and developing, one of the points of clarity that I have found is that I am allowed to feel what I am feeling, however deep I am feeling, for however long I am feeling.

Most of the conversation over the last two days of the "breakup" was around how I was supposed to see this coming and how the knell was already ringing and it was in the cards anyways. What was stupid about this is that I was being forced to believe that I am supposed to get over it in a certain time frame and in a certain manner and I was only supposed to feel a certain amount and not supposed to go beyond that, be it  in doing anything, be it in being happy about this "nothing of a relationship" when it was going on or even the amount of effort or care I put in during those "two months".

When I really sat down to think about it, it did strike me, why would anyone "control" (sorry if it is a harsh word) the amount I am supposed to feel? Why would they dictate how I am supposed to get over it? Why would they dictate how long I take to get over it? 

Just so that they don't have that "guilt" in their consciousness, they were forcing me to accept their equation and understanding as universal? Their version as the only right way? Their experience as the law set in stone?

I get that they have a lot more experience in this field than I have, but does that mean that they get to dictate what I am supposed to think and how I am supposed to feel just so that they do not have anything weighing on your conscience or feel bad about it?

Self help videos may sound like a cliche and a farce, especially on Youtube, but given that I was hurting, I clicked on one anyways. By stroke of luck or through the fact that our brain processes information that is relevant to our situation faster, there was a point in the video that struck a chord and clarified a lot of things for me.

Video: The "no-contact rule" by Matthew Hussey : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKj2E6Besnc

The key point that he was trying to explain is that the person who has broken-up or taken that decision keeps texting or calling back because they want to reassure themselves that they haven't lost anything and reduce the consequence of the decision. That they get to basically have it both ways. If we are also reciprocating, we are building false hopes or going back to the same lie. Hence, it is important to have "no-contact" for three weeks, to see things clearly and to understand where we stand, to FEEL the pain correctly so that we can even BEGIN to think about healing. (Obviously, this is a generalization that might not be applicable to everyone or to the same extent).

I hope I get better soon Alice!

I am going to stop now...

Lights out Alice!

I hurt someone. No, not that kind, but the emotional hurt by not understanding their perspective and forcing my agenda on them. I was inconsiderate and got so consumed by tunnel vision that I could not see their point of view. I ended up hurting them and causing a lot of unnecessary stress. The sad part is that it took a lot of effort (which that person did not need to do but does it because they are super humans) for the other person to make me realize this. I am sorry that it took this long for me to see the writing on the wall and get the wake up call.

But now I see it. I can't force something that isn't there and even though I knew this, I ended up doing this. The level of significance of affection wasn't there but my blind approach to any and everything being solvable ended up pushing the other person out as they were not really being heard. I did not understand that it was not about solving anything, more about hearing someone out and their point of view. This was one critical error in a night time call filled with a series of grave mistakes.

The level of significance was not there on her end. I should have let go earlier. I should not have forced and pleaded my case this much. But as the title of my blog says, something that was started in 2016 the last time I was in this position of hurt (2016 also had a bit of betrayal and was definitely my imagination):

I see. I am wrong. I am going to keep quiet now. 

I am going to end making a fool of myself by laying my emotions bare. You were an utterly awesome human being, but I have got to go now and pick up the pieces of my broken state.

I suck Alice!

IT STILL HURTS

Lights out Alice!

Am I just bad at this or is it supposed to hurt this much?

Am I unable to let go? Am I clingy? Am I afraid of being lonely again or it is just a manifestation of never having anyone till date/ being in a relationship? I am unable to understand why I am feeling this much pain over someone, someone who clearly told there is no future multiple times. Why do I still carry hope in my heart and check my phone every 5 minutes hoping to see a notification of a missed call from her which would be incentive enough for my head to justify running after her.

Every five minutes my mind rushes back to her. I try to drown out the thoughts by listening to music, which works to an extent, before the music or the lyrics strike a chord with heartbreak and then all the sound turns to is a wallowing representation of the aching in my heart. Every word, every beat, just shouts at me and reminds me of the pain. My head hurts, eyes are heavy, thoughts are overwhelming, I am always on the verge of tears and it is getting emotionally unbearable at times. Although the emotions come in waves, with their own ebb and flow, currently, even in their lowest point it is overwhelming. When the wave of emotions crashes in my being, I well up, lose interest in anything I would have been doing at that time and just get absorbed into that state and how I lost the one person I thought I could see having by my side forever. 

Yes, till recently, even admitting these feelings would be a cringe I would never do, since I did not believe in these words or even the notion that a thing called L word could exist. Even now, I don't throw around the word carelessly. I know specifically the place, the time and the situation that led me to tell the L word to her the first time around. When I did use it, I know how heavy it felt for me to admit it and the sadness that it was only reciprocated mildly and not to the same extent.

I don't know if I have the L word, or if my feelings will last forever or if it was ever true from my end or that I was just attracted more because there was an underlying assurance that it was a challenge in which I would fail at with 99.9% surety. Whatever it is, I am unable to decipher it, and won't know until a lot of time has passed whether it was a temporary thing or a permanent piece has been taken from me, something that will always ache (I could write a more superfluous prose on this, but refrained since I did not want to dilute the emotion behind it). I still seriously am head over heels over that person, enough to know that if I have an easy means of communicating with her, say whatsapp, I will end up using it and falling back into it all over again. If the other person has requested space and has told NO enough times, I care enough to step back and out of the ring, regardless of the hurt that I might cause in the short term (I am sorry for this) or how much it FREAKING HURTS me. I will always have hope, but I cannot force someone to be with me. AND THAT F'ING SUCKS.

IT HURTS Alice! That that person is no longer a part of my life... 

What an inspiration

Lights out Alice!

Came across the movie titled "Sir" on Netflix. It is a 2023 released tamil movie starring Dhanush that revolves around how ONE professor with a vision to provide access to education to underprivileged and far off communities brought about a sea change that could take on the private education business sector.

It reminded me of how privileged I am, how entitled I am and how I have wasted my life and actually achieved nothing. I could be doing good to the society, or at least trying to, but here I am, trying to figure out which house would offer a easier commute to a pointless high paying job in marketing.

Damn Alice, what has this society come to. Wait, why am I blaming anybody else but myself for this failure? Nobody else forced me to take this loan. I could have gathered enough courage, taken a stand and provided free education or done anything else to help the society. No, I just bark big things but have taken zero action towards them till date. I am nothing but a barking dog which makes a lot of NOISE, not the kind that will bring about any change, but the kind that is just plain irritating. 

It brings me close to tears thinking about the reality that in fact there might not be any big things in me. I would end up as just another white collar who toiled and wasted his life chasing meaningless salary figures, societal platitudes and never made an iota of difference to the society. SHIT. 

When I say big things, I do not mean money, but making a difference to the society. SHIT, because it might just be the end of the road for me. I will never be anything more than an entry level management whose job is trivial and pointless and all he does is earn money to be able to earn more money for no reason. My soul will start withering and then die soon as I enter the corporate rat race world.

Damn, Alice...I didn't want to see it, but this is the end of ME and my free thinking, optimistic side.

I failed you Alice and I failed my parents, failed my potential and ultimately FAILED MYSELF.

Is it the end?

Lights out Alice!

Heard it in Korean Englishman channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9hgG1t044o @ 7:59

"Our life zoomed in is a tragedy and zoomed out is a comedy - Charlie Chaplin"

Damn, yo! Such deep words that actually make a lot of sense. Imagined troubles and exaggeration of pain is what I do on an hourly basis and hence sometimes these words serve as a reminder that it is all in my head. What a shitty headspace to be in!

Hey Alice, why am I back in this place again? Will I ever make it? I am getting old now and haven't really gotten anywhere in life or achieved anything meaningful. Now, responsibilities and societal and financial pressures are forcing me into a work-life that I am not a big fan of, something that will all but ensure that I never make it big. Is this all I will ever be Alice? I have also noticed how I am pretty good at preparation but suck at actually developing something that is a finished product. I start a lot of things, but rarely finish them. Why am I such a scatterbrain? Why do I have so many unfinished projects?

Why do I have so many ideas but zero willingness to see any one of them through? Why am I such a shitter?

I really hope this is not the end Alice because it would be a tragedy otherwise!

It's hitting me now

Lights out Alice!

The shit thing about still being in touch with the person that rejected you is that my shitty brain creates optimistic scenarios and false hopes that there might be a chance that we will get back together and somehow it will all work out. This means that I am drawn back into hope and all the hard work of getting over that person is negated. 

The first 48 hours of withdrawal from a person or substance is usually when the head is really going through a drudgery of bad thoughts, negative spirals and cravings (to text back or try one more drag) after which the pain of withdrawal reduces. The shitty thing that is happening with me is that I am stuck in the middle where I don't know whether to hold on or let go. Letting go is never easy and for an overthinker like me, it is a more painful and time consuming process. To add to this, after I have made some progress and gone through withdrawal pangs for 48 hours, I get a text that gives me a microscopic amount of hope that my overthinking brain enlarges into a level of significance that draws me back into hope. The cycle has repeated itself so many times now that I am mentally drained and tired. Yes, life is never black and white, but the emotional yo-yo'ing that has been going on has now become too much for me. I am exhausted. I actually wanted that person to be in my life, actually seriously, but then I can understand if the same level of reciprocation was not there. But then my SOP is to cut off and create distance to give me a chance to heal. I cannot keep picking on my scabs and then expect the wound to heal.

I would NEVER want to let go, but rationally I would NEVER force anything from anyone and hence will always let go of anyone that does not want to be with me. This tug of war is emotionally and mentally draining. The wave of emotions takes a toll. I am in a constant state of tiredness. I don't feel like talking to people and always want to just curl up and go to sleep. Procrastinating becomes the way of life. I keep pushing things back and even though I know everything is piling up and I am slipping in life, I feel like I do not have the life force in me to get up and do anything about it. It's like I physically and mentally do not have the strength to get up and get anything done. My head always hurts. There is no respite.

Hope it gets better soon Alice!

Hating and then falling back into love with my old city

Lights out Alice!

As usual, I always resist something at first and then later on realize the value of it and then slowly start adopting it. Bengal in general and Kolkata in specific has always held that place in my life. I was never a big fan of the place, didn't hate it either, but then towards the end of my B.Tech, when I had the opportunity to explore the ghats, and the hustle and bustle of the city's real people (the working class), I realized I was pretty much living in an Ivory tower (and was entitled) and the city is very alluring.

The charm that Kolkata has is one of subtlety. All around the city all you will find on first glance is neglect, dereliction, inertia, a city and its inhabitants that are stuck in their old, inefficient ways and have stopped searching for newer or better ways of doing things. As a person that just wants efficiency in every part of his life, this used to irritate me. 

Why don't the people want to do it better? Why can't I see change? Why is no one interested in changing the way anything works and updating it to modern times? Why is everyone so stuck?

Slowly, but surely, it grew on me. The answer is that they were all making the best of the situation that they were in. Yes, the downside of this philosophy is that there will never be ground-breaking development here. The upside is that like ants, the people of Kolkata will always find a way to make it work. Doesn't matter the circumstance. Doesn't matter the equipment or the feasibility. If it has to be done, regardless of the complications, the politics, the corruption, the resistance, slowly, at times infuriatingly slowly even, it gets done. 

On the surface it always seems like the system is broken or the city is stuck or people are lethargic, but it isn't the case. They are churning away in their own little worlds, making it work. They are AT PEACE. Hustle and bustle might be a part of their life, but it isn't their life. They live life at a comfortable pace. They understand their place in life, their surroundings and instead of resisting, they accept it and make peace with it.

The stillness of the river, the calmness of the ghats after a sultry afternoon that leads to a windy evening...all adds to the peace of the place. It just calms me down. It is not imposing like the big buildings of Gurgaon. The tall and monstrous buildings in Cyber Hub or Cyber City only serve as a reminder that we are but an insignificant part of the big picture, replaceable nuts and bolts that are not critical to the system. Contrary to that, Kolkata welcomes everyone in a manner that has the warmth of a human. It gives everyone the space to become their own self, to take it at their own pace and to make it work with whatever tools they have in their hand. It soothes, it heals and it relaxes the spirit. 

You don't have to rush to the daily rat race. Take a bus that will be crowded  (or overcrowded mostly) with similar people, heading to the same morning rat race in a pointless job. But the difference here is that people will be talking to each other. Laughing, squabbling over trifles, and asking each other about their life, what they had to breakfast, what they brought for lunch, how much of a villain their bosses are or how bad the state of the state is. Nothing is off limits but nothing is ever a point of contention. No discussion stops people from discussing further. Yes, fights have erupted before and things can get heated, but it still feels like family and it still feels like you are accepted.

Or maybe it is just me, viewing the town I grew up in through a rose tinted glass now that I have to shift out of it for real.

All I know is that sitting calmly on a random evening along the ghat, listening to the birds, the flow of the river, the constant humming of the drain water flowing into the river, the faraway noise of a steamer, the chiding of an elderly person sitting with his buddies in a tea shop talking of everything that is wrong with the current times, the frolicking of kids playing with sticks and stones will always be a happy memory for me and my happy place. 

The silent whispers of the universe speaking to my ear to calm me down, telling me that whatever happens, it will be alright. People will come, people will go, pain will come, pain may stay, pain will eventually go or I will get used to it. My parents will grow old. Love will die. Things will end. Everything can be taken away from me in a moment. But these memories will remain. These memories is what I should cherish and hold on to. Stop crutching at happiness. Start grasping acceptance and contentment. Be ready to face pain. We shall all return to dust so there is no point fighting change or demanding happiness. I should be grateful. 

And I am grateful to the windy, humid, calming air of the ghats by the river of whispering these lessons in my ear and calming me down. Future will always be uncertain. But I should come back to this happy memory whenever I feel down.

Thank you. Thank you 225 for all that you taught me as well. Thank you parents for being in my life. Thank you to my sister for being my number one supporter and making me dare to believe I could do things in life. You made me believe.

If I could...

Lights out Alice!

If I could:

I would, take away your pain. Then wonder, if it would make you weaker.

Pain is the point. Pain leads to growth. But I can't stand the pain of people that I care about. I can't stand seeing them weak. Their legs shaking with the burden they are destined to carry. I want to rush to their side and help them out. But I can't. I can't because it is not my to carry and my help will end up causing them more harm than good.

Smile, for it will all end anyways...

Lights out Alice!

I composed a few lines of prose to mark the end of my MDI journey. Although most people choose social media to share their emotions, I tend to not share what I think or feel with any random person and hence decided to post it here. On a separate tangent, does that make me an attention seeker?

Anyways, the lines are as follows:

Smile, because you have made those same mistakes before.

Smile, at the pieces that lie broken on the crimson floor.

Smile, as they walk out through the broken door.

Smile, because you have seen it all before.

Smile, as it all ends and it goes back to the way it was before.

Smile, because nothing is ever going to be the same anymore.

#MDIDiaries

#Musings

Is Dad right?

Lights out Alice!

As usual, in this vacation period my brain is going on hyperdrive and I suddenly have more ideas and things to learn and explore than I could actually achieve in a decade when I actually only have a month's time.

I decided to open up to my dad to get his views and sort of a go-ahead to prioritise myself first and use the vacation period to do new things instead of spending quality time with them. I know it sounds selfish of me and it most probably is, but I think that spending time at home will make me lazy and will bound my imagination or go out and explore attitude. 

As a person who pledged loyalty towards my parents for as long as I remember, it just sucks to realize that I have turned around and become the same person that I pledged I would never become (this is a trend since I always loathed MBA and have just completed my masters in it). I am actually now contemplating putting a futile rat-race called "career" in corporate over taking care of my parents and responsibilities, something 

Here are the list of things that my dad pointed out as to why I am not suited towards starting up on my own right now (or ever):

• We don't have any financial leg to stand on and he cannot bail me out again
• I have a loan to repay and hence can no longer afford to take rash decisions
• I take up too many things and never complete them
• I don't have the acumen and the consistency that is required to start up on my own
• I should bow out now and settle at the level I have gotten to and accept the given level as my place in the world
• I don't have the sharpness and shrewdness for running a business. 
• I am too emotional. I will never be able to think of the profit or the bigger picture and will spend too much time thinking of people at the expense of the larger picture

Largely, what he was trying to hint directly at was the fact that starting up requires a bit of detachment that will sacrifice people and the short term for long term gain. I don't think I will be able to do that. I cannot run over people. I care too much.

Next, starting up is risky. A salaried job in the private sector is a safe job with a mapped out career path. The only downside is that is a soul-sucking proposition with zero satisfaction out of life. On one hand, he is right that a job should in the end remain just that, a job. It should not take over one's life. But on the other hand, I am far too emotional and passionate an individual to be able to survive any amount of time doing something that I don't believe in.