Sit rep 11.07.26

The moment one advertises their work, the moment it all evaporates.

I told too many people about my running habit. Now it is down in the dumps. I could do 5k for 5 days a week easy and now I barely am able to do 4k for 3 days a week. This sucks.

I had a good habit of reading new things and pushing myself and going into depths in my work and now am unable to do that because of different constraints.

The gap between wanting to improve and execution towards daily improvements keeps getting wider.

I keep becoming who I hate to be, all talk and nothing to show for it.

Mussoorie Trip

Mussorie Trip:

Landour was epic - exactly the elements I like - tall trees, mossy roads, rain, fog and a fleeting view of the hills beyond. Perfect.

The drive after that was just sublime. Little to no traffic. Going downhill- which allows for pushing since it is on the wider side of the road and you can turn in late- and the camber on the roads - Nline came alive in that setting - the suspension was dialed in, the gearing perfect to push without it becoming extremely dangerous and the brakes worked consistently

Walking in Landour will forever be something I take away from this trip - Uphill, was such a struggle - but was just fun frolicking around

I dont know what it is, but something feels comfortable about NJ while it being bleh at the same time. Not in that there is any doubt about the intentions of the person or whether I am just going with the flow, but simply that it is comfortable. I am not used to comfortable. I am not used to being able to be me without having to pretend. Having gone the entirety of the previous experiences in trying to prove myself, I am not used to being able to be myself.

I am scared all the time that I am just going with it, but every time I look back at the elements that just click with NJ, it is a long list.

Same taste in music, same world view, but it goes beyond that as well

Two people when looking at the same thing can draw different conclusions and focus on different things. Not to say that these thoughts match, but I can tell what they are thinking and they can be more accurate than most when it comes to knowing what I might be thinking.

It just fits. No big song and dance. No major upheaval. Is that an issue? I dont know. It has always been the million dollar question, that am I just obliging and reciprocating? Is it easy because the other side is interested?

I counter all of the above with a few points.

It was never a big hulla booh with Partha as well. It just fit. It isn't a big hullabooh with people I like as well. It just is. Plus it took a long time and a lot of shared experiences to build the level of trust and endearment that I have reached with them.

Doing something for a random person is pretty easy for me anyways. That hero complex and the illusion of being better (which is just insecurity dressed up as philanthropy) has always come naturally. Sustaining that back bending effort is difficult. Dialing it back and getting the other person on the same page is something that I struggled with. Which is the long winded way of saying that I tune myself to get a person to become friends with me but it is rarer for me to be able to show my real side, regardless of how much a person would be open to the idea.

I am mostly disillusioned with people anyways. I dont think I am wired in the same way. I don't think attraction, in the way it is socially defined and conventionally expected is something I subscribe to.

I need to compare and contrast. If in the past ones, we pull the veil of push and pull back, what are the elements we are really left with? What was in those that drew me in? RC was simply the competitiveness of having the same playbook, MS - nothing really beyond the basic attraction- we never really reached that stage

What is it in NJ? The artistic POV. The world view. The constant struggle with her inner demons while trying to juggle everything else. She is a seer, but mainly as a coping mechanism to predict things that are about to fall apart. Pretty hurt by the world and struggling to find her feet. Scared of trying because been hurt by past experiences. She has the ability to come alive, but life has been hard on her and is struggling to find her feet. She needs a safe space. The ability to rest her head without constantly having to swivel in every direction scanning for danger.

Little llama cafe -

The library moment - overlooking the mountains. Clouds rolling by. Rain. The breeze. The smell of books. Being surrounded by a tower of books that exude 

Mussorie heritage centre and finding old trinkets - we share the same eye for things!

The drive through the forest

Movies!!

The tryst with Matinee:

It is hard to imagine that at nearly 30 years old, it was only my second movie experience at a theater, both coming in the last 1 year.

I distinctly remember the notion that movies are a waste of time as a school going kid. The taboo that children who go to the movies are the ones that flunk was drilled deep into my being. It was all just studies and occasional playing. We weren't that well off, but going to the movies was not a concept that existed in our home. That's not to say we did not have our fun, just that our definition of fun was pretty different from that of a common person. 

Now, the theater experience is not a pleasant thought. Having to sit still for over two hours in a dark room with very bright lights is not my idea of fun. I have gotten far too used to the idea of absorbing a movie alone, in my own space, in the comfort of my room and while juggling other multitasking activities.

DBA era: Chapter 1, part 2

Lights out Alice!

Sunsets and S

Being myself - conflicting

Just liking the person and not qualities - good or a bad thing?

Reference point data is corrupted - always had to yearn and put people on a pedestal - what do I even know about steady in the first place?

Is it just the car or the anxiety soothing ability or the frolicking - but counter to that would be what else is the point of another person and what is this elusive feeling otherwise if not safety and growth?

Top moments:

Perks of being a wallflower moment - Is it the car question day

The ritual of Galleria

Movie - The drama - So much fun dressing to impress - the funny flowers and association convo

Obviously driving around!

The flat hunt - remember how much fun Hero Homes was? - Similarly, sec 43 was fun pro max!

Bhawan - 32nd avenue - then CP and the shitty Indian Coffee house - bhawan food was sooo good

Exploring rundown buildings - such an allure for her - Shiey like vibes!

European countries to explore - Spain, France, Portugal ...but the WAY we explore is IMP and WHAT DO we look at is IMP

Conscient walks

Teaching driving - I get to have soooo much fun!

Sharing my playlists!!!! - HOW do they also like Tai Verdes, Amber Run, Mokita and the lesser known artists that I thought was rare!

Sunsets and S day - opening up and explaining my psyche

17th April, Friday - started pouring - Cyberhub walk to the parking in that INSANELY awesome weather and drizzle - then we drove around - sector 14 - went to the other mandir area - found the park - discussed what makes a good park (she likes them dimly lit and shady, I like them fully lit and lively) and tainted ones - then we go to sec 14 - grabbed a bite to go - narrating that pinterest poem - what a look in her eyes- then driving on UER 2 - with fleecing clouds and lightning- wow - that weather made the evening memorable - that memory will be etched forever!

DBA Era: The beginning

It is rare for me to not write about a new era. Generally, I am reaching to jot things down and immediately talk to myself about the new person. Is it a bad omen or is it something that I am not used to? The fact that affection is reciprocated is such an alien concept to me that I am having a hard time adjusting to this feeling.

But I need to take stock:

It crossed the threshold on 20th March, which was around 3 weeks ago. We have always ICARUS'ed, gone on short trips and hung out before this, but it reached a level of significance on that day.

Was I just goading them to that point? Why did I not stop myself that day even though I did stop myself and the situation initially? Why did I give in? The person with so many protocols and LOCs breached all of them...the question that arises and I cannot answer rationally is why did I cross all my lines...was it because I was shown affection or was it genuine or was it just vindictive?

I do think I am genuinely attracted to that person and their mind and their numerous talents - singing, writing...but for the first time, it is not just a specific thing but the entire person that keeps drawing me in...and there is nothing that I can directly pin-point to. I just like the person I can be with her, which is unabashed and unfiltered version of me.

But I did take accountability post that. I did the due diligence. I did the figuring it out bit.

And post that we have had some great memories together. Sitting and watching the sunset on the stairwell was definitely up there as the top core memory! Sharing awesome food in Himalayan cafe, seeing her face light up when eating good food is something that definitely made me happy. I just like to see her smile. The way she looks back at me, with googly eyes, with eyes begging to be understood, is something that definitely blows me over every time.

The way she came up with a poem on the spot while we were sitting at the stairs watching the sun set, which beautifully encapsulated every moment we shared that evening tore my heart to pieces. At the risk of sounding condescending or narcissistic, I like being needed and I like feeling like I can contribute something to help the person. When I look at her, I pore into her eyes, I see so much conflict in her eyes. In a split second, she goes through so many emotions and they well up so much that she is barely able to hold it all in. Her eyes screaming to be held, to be heard, to be witnessed, to be felt, to be understood, to be free, to be everything she ever suppressed in herself.

 Again, I cannot understate how alien the concept of being looked at with googly eyes is for me. I have always been in a one-sided situationships where I have to fight for my relevance and this is the first time I can just be me and it is enough. What scares me is that I don't know whether that is a good thing or bad

State of affairs 13th March 2026

 Lights out Alice!

The eye problem persists. Night time blurriness and strain is still a problem. Obscene amount of money spent on tests and multiple visits to 3 different doctors over multiple weeks have led to no conclusion for now other than waiting for the Vitamin levels to go up before repeating the tests again to see if anything changes. There is a part of me that feels that since I blew everything out of proportion and caused everyone to worry and panic, I should be punished with an actual diagnosis on something. Something that redeems me in the eye of people who think I was much adoing about nothing.

The other part of me goes back to that moment when I lost consciousness and felt everything slipping away, the pain increasing by an amount I was not able to comprehend, everything moving faster than the speed I was able to process it and crescendo of not being able to control anything and panic racing through my mind. I am pretty sure those however minutes I had passed out for were the scariest I have ever felt in recent memory. It scared the shit out of me to the point that everything that followed on that day felt heavier and much more real. Even now, the eye problem and the vitamin levels and the RA factor being high is just something that is midly inconveniencing, largely frustrating but not painful (other than the eyes and the constant headaches looking at  a screen or driving at night). But at that point, when it was also suspected to be a brain issue, post the passing out episode, it felt real.

What really gets my goat is the fact that there has been little to no progress on this. How multiple doctors are also unable to confirm anything even after multiple tests.

On a side note, I read a good paragraph from Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk:

No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments you should have been paying attention. 

The ending, part 50404...

Lights out Alice!

This is what I wrote when I was asked to go back to being friends and not make things toxic:

-----------

Let me over explain myself (hope you take the time to read it):

Part 1:

 It is okay for it to be not that big a deal for you.

 I know enough time has passed for us to forget the past and restart as "friends"

 I even know for a fact that we both can go back to being friends if we restarted this.

But I cherish our memories. Each and every moment we shared and all the fun things we did together.

I am grateful for every damn moment I got to spend with you.

Again, I have never expected you to feel the same. But this is what I feel. I never forced anything from you. But I have no interest in hiding what I truly feel and live a lie.

What took me all this time to heal was the constant denial from your end. It was you telling me this could never happen while we were slowly getting closer. That drove me to question everything and I spiraled pretty bad. The sheer abruptness of the ending in July and then your constant dismissal as "it wasn't a big deal" messed me up and didn't give me closure. I always believed that it was only me that forced all this and ruined everything. It messed me up big time.

I have been a mess for a while now and only now have I slowly gotten used to life without you as a friend.

Now, if I restart all this, I will have to overwrite the beautiful memories I have of you. I will have to erase everything in the past and pretend to move forward without baggage. I don't think I would ever want to do that. Again, it is not that I can't but these memories are far too cherished for me to forget them. I am happy for what we had and would rather hold on to that happy memory over the new ones.

Part 2:

 There has never been an agenda.

 I have tried my best to not make your workplace toxic by trying to stay away and I am truly sorry for all the trouble I might have caused.

 I know I am holding on to the past and to be fair, this is a choice. I have no expectations of any sort and have closed the book on this, but I would rather just have the good memories and take them with me forever

Part 3:

I do regret all the things we couldn't do together if I hadn't gone and messed it all up:

 All those road trips

 The treks we planned but could never execute

 Aravali bio diversity park

 32nd avenue workshops we planned on going to

 I will remember you everytime I take the turn towards Rajiv Chowk.

 I will always cherish the crazy fun we had in office. Holy shit, I don't think that level of fun is even allowed...pranking each other, teasing each other, listening to each other...every second was me being able to let my walls down and be in the moment with you.

 I will miss us having fun in the car

 The Blue lays packet

 The playlist

 Sahibaan

 The drives to India Gate

What we had was true. The only thing I hated is you dismissing it as something trivial. That part messed me up.

Part 4:

We had our differences.

We had our misunderstandings.

I know I have my insecurities.

I know I overthink, I know I mess up all the time.

But, both of us always knew how the other would feel and took that into account. Both of us always knew when the other was angry and would try to make the other feel better. I know it is partly in both our natures to be able to read the other person but I think this was beautiful.

I don't want anything from you. I am not a desperate person trying to force you to feel what you don't want to or stay in anything that doesn't align with your life's plan...I am always just happy and grateful to have had the time we did and have made my peace with it.

But I always want to keep these memories with me as they are special to me and being friends again would mean forgetting all this.

I could, but this was far too special for me to let go of. For the first time, I felt happiness without having to pretend.

Just clearly writing down everything that is on my mind and why it is hard for me to go back to being friends. Not trauma dumping.

Doing the right thing sucks

Lights out Alice!

I don't know why am I my own biggest limitation. No, it is not anybody else but my own brain, designed to help me, which is the biggest hinderance in my path to leading a better life.

Context: RC reached out if we could go back to being friends again.

On one hand having her around would be pretty cool and really good in the short term but I know that over time I will go back to having feelings and mis-interpreting her actions which would never end well for either of us. Which meant that I had to decline and end things which had already previously ended. This is like ending v_13345_final_v2...

I know there are decisions that I need to take that are right for me, which end up feeling like a kick in the gut. This was definitely one of them. In the time between making up my mind on a decision and communicating it, I must have flip-flopped a million times in my head, trying to weigh the pros and cons of taking a side.

We don't know what the future holds. Maybe being friends again is important for me to heal. Maybe she has finally come to her senses. Maybe it will all work out if I choose this path. All that this does is kill the last bit of hope that had died but got reincarnated with this invitation. However, because this happened, and my reaction to it, it was indication enough that I am still not over it and there is no hope of me being able to forget all this and go back to being "friends". 

I am happy that there was acknolwedgment of the fact that mistakes were made from the other person's end as well. Actually, that makes me extremely bitter. When you have feelings for someone and they treat you like a disposable convenient piece of trash, it hurts worse than being rejected.

What really bothers me and gets my goat is WHY would you want to go back to being friends! I know it might have been just friends and casual for you, but just sweeping all that history under the bus belittles my feelings. It makes me feel small for having them or holding onto them in the first place and that I am not ready to do.

I wish I was a better than this and able to forget everything and pretend that it never happened. I wish I could be the guy who could play the game and not be affected by the outcome. Sadly, I am not one of those people. Agreeing to be friends would have been pretending to be someone I am not. For the life of me, I could not bring myself round to living that lie.

If it isn't meant to be, it really isn't and I shouldn't force it.

Nothing really changes, yet everything does...

Nothing really changes:

I still lack discipline. I still make grand detailed plans with obscene numbers of adaptations to account for everything and anything going wrong. I stil suck at executing them. I leave most things I start midway, if not at the first third. I still get bored of things, even as important as a job and wake up on days planning to obliterate everything and starting from scratch once again. I still am unable to upskill myself properly and online self paced learning is still lava.

I am still lonely. However, I have enough bald spots and grey hairs in me to know better than to chase empty friendships. Not that I did chase them in the past as well, but as one ages, one grows more stubborn and steadfast in their ways and less adaptable to change and new beliefs.

What does change is...well everything. I am no longer the person I was a decade ago when I started this blog. Truth be told, I was more hard working back then and had more passion and burning intent. I had discipline and I had vigour, all of which meant that I kept trying to improve every day. I used to push myself and grow, even though it wasn't obvious at the time.

My parents are getting older. It does sadden me to see an armour plated person like my dad struggling to walk. I have fond memories of trying to keep up with his walking pace as a child, his ability to carry luggage in our travels without needing external help and just being the dependable person everyone turned to. Yes, there were faults and he was short fused (something that I have inherited as well), but he would get things done. Yesterday, he walked with a limp, was unable to put force on one leg and was in visible distress after standing for fifteen minutes. The person that could walk for hours, work for tens of hours and then come home to play or scold two kids and then go to teach tuition classses...

I suck. Jan'26 edition

Later the coffee gets cold...

Shit keeps happening. I keep making things worse. Further, I have again reached boredom at my job because there isn't anything new to learn and even if there is, there isn't enough pressure on me to keep me invested.

I hate that I have too much free time, so much so that I end up doing nothing about it and not engaging in developing myself in all the areas I plan on when I am overwhelmed with too much work. Why does my brain function in this faulty manner?

Why always potential and ideas but ZERO execution? 

Will I always be like this? Will I ever get over this problem? Why do I fall apart so easily? Why does just a few days without engaging work lead to a downward spiral of mental health which then leads to the decision of burning it all down and starting all over again? Can I never build myself without the crutch of academia? Can I never get anything done without external pressure or the world watching/ passing judgment?

Alice, I used to be good and eloquent once upon a time. I used to be able to articulate conscisely and be able to weave a visual story through my words. Then I shifted to Gurgaon and this shithole of mediocrity that everybody keeps raving about. All this place has done is make me settle for average and good enough and bring my level down.

I am sorry I suck Alice!

My SOP understanding as of 28.12.25

1. I need a plan of action to function. I also need margin in this plan to do impulsive things

2. This plan of action cannot have more than:

    A. 1 major to-dos -must complete item

    B. 2 items with grinding level work - where I sit down and focus

    C. 1 new learning item to feel that I am not derelict yet even though that is the case

3. The bigger issue that needs to be solved on a daily basis is dopamine regulation. I am pretty restless and borderline ADHD which means two things happen everyday...everything resets every morning and I have too much energy. My body does not carry forward all the learnings from the previous day. At night I tell myself that I have clear patterns that need to get better at and when morning comes the same things repeat.

Too much energy at the start of the day if not expended leaves me jittery, wanting to do too many things at once and unable to focus on anything. I end wanting to burn it all down, start again and start learning something new altogether.

Hence, the start of the day needs to happen with physical activitiy, intense and straining which helps me expend energy and get myself out my head. The adrenaline helps me regulate my emotions and then sets a better tone for the rest of the day.

Roadtrip...but the feeling is not the same or is it?

Over the weekend, I had a quick trip to Lucknow. Left Friday afternoon and was back by Sunday night. On the way the trip took 11 hours instead of the expected 8 because of dense fog and zero visibility and the speeds going down to 60. On the way back, it was more driving as usual as the trip was over the course of the afternoon.

Why do I do it? Is it because of my inherent liking for all things cars and driving? It is a contributing factor, sure, but I don't think it is the complete answer. Is it because it is difficult and somewhat of a perceived challenge to drive for 8 to 10 hours straight? This is also not the complete reason but an important contributor.

Just my thoughts 15th Dec 2025

I still miss the hell out of you. But the pain is no longer as bad as it used to be. As they correctly say, time and distance heals everything. It ended a long time ago, and more importantly, in her eyes, there was nothing there in the first place anyways, but it took me over six months and multiple bouts of sinking to a dark place and questioning everything to get over her.

It was real on my end, it was true for me and regardless of what might be considered complex, hard to read and not easy going at all, I believe I stayed true and upfront. I am sure she felt she was being true and didn't try to hurt me on purpose. I should also not be hurt as much as I am given how she had already told us that we were "just friends" and that I was just "convenient". However, those words hurt worse than being rejected, because they remind me of how easily I give away so much of myself and how easily people take it for granted.

This is not to say that I do not respect her decision. I also respect the fact that there is no good way of ending things. It is going to be taken incorrectly by the party being rejected anyways, more so by a person who is ADHD and sensitive to rejection and has anxious attachment style. I am the problem, no doubt.

Any person at any time has the right to say no and walk away, but it doesn't really stop it from hurting does it?

I just laugh at my patterns sometimes. Here I am, bored and procrastinating on the work that we need to do, letting my thoughts wander back to the person that called me "convenient" and "just a friend".

It is funny how against all odds, against all the self-talks about how I should get over it, get over whatever it was, I come back and wait for some cosmic event which will get her to reach out and text. All these quotes, these books, these philosophies that I claim to imbibe, I am pretty sure will be down the drain the minute, no no, the second I receive a text from her...I would like to believe that this is exactly why I think it was real, but I will also call out my bullshit and say that it is just my anxious attachment style and rejection refusal which just wants to get to a scenario where I was enough for the other person and that it wasn't just all in my head. The need to be right about what I considered to be mutual feelings, but the other person refused to agree, is what I think also keeps driving this and bugs me.

Just my thoughts 10th Dec 2025

I don't know Alice! Things that we in the past (SB) seem to not affect me so much anymore. There was a time I used to feel so overwhelmed trying to get that person to calm down and trying to contain that situation. I kept looking for an answer, anything that I could do that would help them get out of the loop and diffuse the situation. Now, I was drawn back to the same shit, even though I have been consistently distant, or more so because of it, but this time I was far less bothered. I want to believe this was because I know that it wasn't entirely because of my actions, but the truth is that my actions were wrong, but they needed to happen. I have been wanting to withdraw from this for a long time now, especially seeing how conveniently people have forgotten what they have done in the past and just assuming that it is closed. Yes, it is closed, but I got hurt and I have every right to not be available at the same level anymore. It is not like I have not made this clear to the other person or am stringing them along. Yet, they seem to get offended by my actions. At this point, I don't know what to do but I do know that my stand on this is clear, regardless of how bad a picture that person seems to be drawing of me.

On a similar vein, it has been a while since RC ended as well. Last Friday was the last straw after the last straw. The last straw was the day when I was told I was just "convenient and a timepass".  Last Friday was when RC chose to be indifferent by my absence in a meetup that saw me drop her off and wait for others to arrive, only for them to then continue plans without me 15 minutes before the meetup was about to happen. What bothered me on the RC front was that RC knew that I was nearby waiting for others to wrap up their previous engagement. She was informed of the change of plans and chose to not speak up. I even get the fact that she would have wanted to keep the fact that I dropped her on the down low, but it didn't bother her even a bit to check with me once? Dayum bruh, this is the level of respect I got after doing so much for that person. Obviously, I never did anything with malintent, but that doesn't also mean that it should be taken for granted at this level. However, it confirms a few things...either it was really nothing or that person is a user. I still would like to believe the former  and not the latter as the latter is something that I am assuming since I am too sensitive of their actions.

I miss having that friend....but it is time I call out my bullshite

Lights out Alice!

The last straw has been broken. Although it ended a while ago, it took me a while to come to terms with it and way longer to accept it. When the dust settles and one is not blinded by the desire to do anything to prove their worthiness, we are able to see the truth for what it is and not an opportunity or an area of improvement. Being the analytical person, who is filled with self hate and has serious anxious attachment problems, everything HAS to have a meaning behind it otherwise there is something that I am yet to understand about the situation. Everything has to have a "RIGHT" course of action, something that the feedback in the first instance from a  person will lead me to believe and mould myself to fit into.

Well I was a piece of convenient single use plastic once again

Lights out Alice!

History repeats itself...and how!!

I have once again been told that I was nothing more than just a convenient piece of single use plastic and it was wrong of me to take the countless late night outings "as a hint".

My biggest insecurity and fear has always been that I am reading people wrong and I am stepping in on a place where I was not invited. Obviously this comes from poor nervous system regulation ability curated through the wild childhood I had, complimented by restless, if not ADHD brain.

At this point, this person is now the fourth person in a row to have done this, but since I made the mistake of still showing up when there was help required, I was thanked with the statement, "oh it was nothing serious, I was just having fun..."

I didn't know statements could hurt like that. It is not like I led the person on. I had clarified my interest. It is okay if somebody slips, but to then label it in such a trivial manner as just a fling...after hanging out for months...and then claiming that I took the wrong hint...this does shatter me to bits. Pieces that I have to pick up and rebuild once more. 

Which is fine, but what hurts and what will continue to hurt is how it became my problem of incorrect interpretation and how there was ZERO feelings ever from her end and how I took the wrong hint.

KP, SB, MDS and now RC. Same shit, different ways. Use a person when it is convenient and then throw them in the dustbin and make them feel like worthless garbage.

Why am I so afraid of slowing down?

The moment it starts becoming routine, alarms start going off, code red, burn everything, start from scratch, do a evaluation of everything that is currently being done, label as good or bad habit, make a list of new good ones to incorporate and the bad habits to break. Plans put in place for growth. What yo do in the next 3 months, next 6 months. Account for the struggle, the lack of motivation and how I plan to push through when it gets tough. Good job. We are now back on the right track, I tell myself. I can take a break now....and that's it.

Reliving the good times with RC

Let me tell you the story of a very fond memory with RC: OHC, the incessant rain, us frolicking around while playing board games in the car. 

...This is a continuation of the RC story. I wanted to create a separate post for one of the most beautiful and fun memories I shared with RC. One of the many awesome evenings that I had...

Side note: Now that it is all over and done, and no morsel of hope remains and even my denial has turned into acceptance, I can safely say that I am grateful for the memories. There were lots of good ones and RC as a person was really a gem, a gem that definitely deserved better than a lowlife like me. I am just thankful to have shared the memories that I did, to get her attention for the time I did and for being treated in a such an awesome manner that she did. Now, coming to the story.

By this point, a pattern had been established. Mondays I would be pushed away, Tuesdays would be cold, Wednesdays we would slowly initiate talking post her meetings (case call) and then Thursdays would be a push and pull in trying to test boundaries in what we both knew would eventually end up as an outing. I had specified it that Thursdays were our days to roam around for which I changed my wardrobe to a casual one even though I generally only had casual Fridays previously. Generally, by Friday there would be too much of hanging out with me for her and she would be cold about the weekend. I did understand her need for space and the fact that for her, it was "just friends" unlike what I felt about us. However, I knew that I wasn't strong enough to not text her. I would give in by Saturday first half and then drop a text in a casual manner to wait for her to reply on whether she was free to drive around in the evening, which she would agree to and then we would hang out and drive around and just have a gala time.

This story was also on a Saturday and I had followed the same MO of dropping a text in the afternoon to check if she was free in the evening. She texted back late that a lot of shit had gone wrong and that she hadn't had a proper lunch and she was a bit under the weather and her stomach was acting up. Cue my opportunity to swing in. I did. But on a serious note, I did not do it out of any ulterior motive. I did care about her, if nothing then at least as a friend even though my care had additional levels to it. There was no mal-intention ever. Why would I want to hurt the one I care about (and if anything I did cause any pain, I am sorry). Coming back from the self-pity tangent, I drive to her place on that short notice. I pick her up. We drive to the nearest decent restaurant that would serve food friendly to the stomach. Had a bit of fun hanging around. Then I had every mind to drop her off and head home. But I also thought why not check if she would be up for a drive. She was. Typical RC. But where? Why not head to our old office in OHC. 

As we started, the heavens opened up. I love the rain and she doesn't mind it. However, what was a gentle downpour turned into a thunderstorm by the time we reached the parking. Fortunately, I had a backup. I had board games in the car. However, what transpired is more than just playing board games and hanging out. 

We shared a moment where I knew it was real. I simply adored her and she let go of all that was holding her back (something that I still haven't figured out) and just enjoyed the moment. She was happy. Seeing her smile, for real and without any inhibition made me happy. She felt safe, safe enough to let her 100ft high walls down a little. She wasn't worried about the future or burdened with her past. It was a rare moment where she was herself and decided to not put the burden of society's expectation in her actions.

Just my thoughts 27.09.25

 Most days I struggle with the overwhelming thoughts and tangents that cross my mind at any given moment. I am mostly anxious, always worried that I am not doing enough, that I am getting complacent (which is true), that I am slipping and sooner rather than later, I will lose it all. I have a lot of good people around me to be grateful for. But I have also lost a lot of people when it comes to personal relationships.

My mistake has always been to equate my worth in any relationship with the amount of effort I am putting in or the things I do for them. Inherently, I do not feel like I have any worth. Even with family members I struggle to just exist and not do anything. This leads to simmering frustration and resentment in familial relationships, which I am working on to fix through deliberate and hard talks with myself.

What's worse is that it leads to being used and discarded like plastic in friendships and partnerships. I am not sure if they do it deliberately, but this appeasement and easy availability leads to being taken for granted, leads to being played like a fiddle. 

I will also call out my own bullshit for pretending to be the victim. It is not like people pleasers (including me) do not understand when they are being used. It is just that they have not had enough good instances of healthy relationships and boundary definition to give themselves the permission to draw a line before it is too late. 

Thanks for the memories RC

All in all, it was pretty good. Other than the ending. Which was bad. Mainly because it ended and less so because it didn't go in my favour. The person deserved better anyways.