DBA Era: The beginning

It is rare for me to not write about a new era. Generally, I am reaching to jot things down and immediately talk to myself about the new person. Is it a bad omen or is it something that I am not used to? The fact that affection is reciprocated is such an alien concept to me that I am having a hard time adjusting to this feeling.

But I need to take stock:

It crossed the threshold on 20th March, which was around 3 weeks ago. We have always ICARUS'ed, gone on short trips and hung out before this, but it reached a level of significance on that day.

Was I just goading them to that point? Why did I not stop myself that day even though I did stop myself and the situation initially? Why did I give in? The person with so many protocols and LOCs breached all of them...the question that arises and I cannot answer rationally is why did I cross all my lines...was it because I was shown affection or was it genuine or was it just vindictive?

I do think I am genuinely attracted to that person and their mind and their numerous talents - singing, writing...but for the first time, it is not just a specific thing but the entire person that keeps drawing me in...and there is nothing that I can directly pin-point to. I just like the person I can be with her, which is unabashed and unfiltered version of me.

But I did take accountability post that. I did the due diligence. I did the figuring it out bit.

And post that we have had some great memories together. Sitting and watching the sunset on the stairwell was definitely up there as the top core memory! Sharing awesome food in Himalayan cafe, seeing her face light up when eating good food is something that definitely made me happy. I just like to see her smile. The way she looks back at me, with googly eyes, with eyes begging to be understood, is something that definitely blows me over every time.

The way she came up with a poem on the spot which beautifully encapsulated every moment we shared that evening tore my heart to pieces. At the risk of sounding condescending or narcissistic, I like being needed and I like feeling like I can contribute something to help the person. When I look at her, I pore into her eyes, I see so much conflict in her eyes. In a split second, she goes through so many emotions and they well up so much that she is barely able to hold it all in. Her eyes screaming to be held, to be heard, to be witnessed, to be felt