Movies!!

The tryst with Matinee:

It is hard to imagine that at nearly 30 years old, it was only my second movie experience at a theater, both coming in the last 1 year.

I distinctly remember the notion that movies are a waste of time as a school going kid. The taboo that children who go to the movies are the ones that flunk was drilled deep into my being. It was all just studies and occasional playing. We weren't that well off, but going to the movies was not a concept that existed in our home. That's not to say we did not have our fun, just that our definition of fun was pretty different from that of a common person. 

Now, the theater experience is not a pleasant thought. Having to sit still for over two hours in a dark room with very bright lights is not my idea of fun. I have gotten far too used to the idea of absorbing a movie alone, in my own space, in the comfort of my room and while juggling other multitasking activities.

DBA era: Chapter 1, part 2

Lights out Alice!

Sunsets and S

Being myself - conflicting

Just liking the person and not qualities - good or a bad thing?

Reference point data is corrupted - always had to yearn and put people on a pedestal - what do I even know about steady in the first place?

Is it just the car or the anxiety soothing ability or the frolicking - but counter to that would be what else is the point of another person and what is this elusive feeling otherwise if not safety and growth?

Top moments:

Perks of being a wallflower moment - Is it the car question day

The ritual of Galleria

Movie - The drama - So much fun dressing to impress - the funny flowers and association convo

Obviously driving around!

The flat hunt - remember how much fun Hero Homes was? - Similarly, sec 43 was fun pro max!

Bhawan - 32nd avenue - then CP and the shitty Indian Coffee house - bhawan food was sooo good

Exploring rundown buildings - such an allure for her - Shiey like vibes!

European countries to explore - Spain, France, Portugal ...but the WAY we explore is IMP and WHAT DO we look at is IMP

Conscient walks

Teaching driving - I get to have soooo much fun!

Sharing my playlists!!!! - HOW do they also like Tai Verdes, Amber Run, Mokita and the lesser known artists that I thought was rare!

Sunsets and S day - opening up and explaining my psyche

17th April, Friday - started pouring - Cyberhub walk to the parking in that INSANELY awesome weather and drizzle - then we drove around - sector 14 - went to the other mandir area - found the park - discussed what makes a good park (she likes them dimly lit and shady, I like them fully lit and lively) and tainted ones - then we go to sec 14 - grabbed a bite to go - narrating that pinterest poem - what a look in her eyes- then driving on UER 2 - with fleecing clouds and lightning- wow - that weather made the evening memorable - that memory will be etched forever!

DBA Era: The beginning

It is rare for me to not write about a new era. Generally, I am reaching to jot things down and immediately talk to myself about the new person. Is it a bad omen or is it something that I am not used to? The fact that affection is reciprocated is such an alien concept to me that I am having a hard time adjusting to this feeling.

But I need to take stock:

It crossed the threshold on 20th March, which was around 3 weeks ago. We have always ICARUS'ed, gone on short trips and hung out before this, but it reached a level of significance on that day.

Was I just goading them to that point? Why did I not stop myself that day even though I did stop myself and the situation initially? Why did I give in? The person with so many protocols and LOCs breached all of them...the question that arises and I cannot answer rationally is why did I cross all my lines...was it because I was shown affection or was it genuine or was it just vindictive?

I do think I am genuinely attracted to that person and their mind and their numerous talents - singing, writing...but for the first time, it is not just a specific thing but the entire person that keeps drawing me in...and there is nothing that I can directly pin-point to. I just like the person I can be with her, which is unabashed and unfiltered version of me.

But I did take accountability post that. I did the due diligence. I did the figuring it out bit.

And post that we have had some great memories together. Sitting and watching the sunset on the stairwell was definitely up there as the top core memory! Sharing awesome food in Himalayan cafe, seeing her face light up when eating good food is something that definitely made me happy. I just like to see her smile. The way she looks back at me, with googly eyes, with eyes begging to be understood, is something that definitely blows me over every time.

The way she came up with a poem on the spot while we were sitting at the stairs watching the sun set, which beautifully encapsulated every moment we shared that evening tore my heart to pieces. At the risk of sounding condescending or narcissistic, I like being needed and I like feeling like I can contribute something to help the person. When I look at her, I pore into her eyes, I see so much conflict in her eyes. In a split second, she goes through so many emotions and they well up so much that she is barely able to hold it all in. Her eyes screaming to be held, to be heard, to be witnessed, to be felt, to be understood, to be free, to be everything she ever suppressed in herself.

 Again, I cannot understate how alien the concept of being looked at with googly eyes is for me. I have always been in a one-sided situationships where I have to fight for my relevance and this is the first time I can just be me and it is enough. What scares me is that I don't know whether that is a good thing or bad