Nothing really changes, yet everything does...

Nothing really changes:

I still lack discipline. I still make grand detailed plans with obscene numbers of adaptations to account for everything and anything going wrong. I stil suck at executing them. I leave most things I start midway, if not at the first third. I still get bored of things, even as important as a job and wake up on days planning to obliterate everything and starting from scratch once again. I still am unable to upskill myself properly and online self paced learning is still lava.

I am still lonely. However, I have enough bald spots and grey hairs in me to know better than to chase empty friendships. Not that I did chase them in the past as well, but as one ages, one grows more stubborn and steadfast in their ways and less adaptable to change and new beliefs.

What does change is...well everything. I am no longer the person I was a decade ago when I started this blog. Truth be told, I was more hard working back then and had more passion and burning intent. I had discipline and I had vigour, all of which meant that I kept trying to improve every day. I used to push myself and grow, even though it wasn't obvious at the time.

My parents are getting older. It does sadden me to see an armour plated person like my dad struggling to walk. I have fond memories of trying to keep up with his walking pace as a child, his ability to carry luggage in our travels without needing external help and just being the dependable person everyone turned to. Yes, there were faults and he was short fused (something that I have inherited as well), but he would get things done. Yesterday, he walked with a limp, was unable to put force on one leg and was in visible distress after standing for fifteen minutes. The person that could walk for hours, work for tens of hours and then come home to play or scold two kids and then go to teach tuition classses...

I suck. Jan'26 edition

Later the coffee gets cold...

Shit keeps happening. I keep making things worse. Further, I have again reached boredom at my job because there isn't anything new to learn and even if there is, there isn't enough pressure on me to keep me invested.

I hate that I have too much free time, so much so that I end up doing nothing about it and not engaging in developing myself in all the areas I plan on when I am overwhelmed with too much work. Why does my brain function in this faulty manner?

Why always potential and ideas but ZERO execution? 

Will I always be like this? Will I ever get over this problem? Why do I fall apart so easily? Why does just a few days without engaging work lead to a downward spiral of mental health which then leads to the decision of burning it all down and starting all over again? Can I never build myself without the crutch of academia? Can I never get anything done without external pressure or the world watching/ passing judgment?

Alice, I used to be good and eloquent once upon a time. I used to be able to articulate conscisely and be able to weave a visual story through my words. Then I shifted to Gurgaon and this shithole of mediocrity that everybody keeps raving about. All this place has done is make me settle for average and good enough and bring my level down.

I am sorry I suck Alice!

My SOP understanding as of 28.12.25

1. I need a plan of action to function. I also need margin in this plan to do impulsive things

2. This plan of action cannot have more than:

    A. 1 major to-dos -must complete item

    B. 2 items with grinding level work - where I sit down and focus

    C. 1 new learning item to feel that I am not derelict yet even though that is the case

3. The bigger issue that needs to be solved on a daily basis is dopamine regulation. I am pretty restless and borderline ADHD which means two things happen everyday...everything resets every morning and I have too much energy. My body does not carry forward all the learnings from the previous day. At night I tell myself that I have clear patterns that need to get better at and when morning comes the same things repeat.

Too much energy at the start of the day if not expended leaves me jittery, wanting to do too many things at once and unable to focus on anything. I end wanting to burn it all down, start again and start learning something new altogether.

Hence, the start of the day needs to happen with physical activitiy, intense and straining which helps me expend energy and get myself out my head. The adrenaline helps me regulate my emotions and then sets a better tone for the rest of the day.

Roadtrip...but the feeling is not the same or is it?

Over the weekend, I had a quick trip to Lucknow. Left Friday afternoon and was back by Sunday night. On the way the trip took 11 hours instead of the expected 8 because of dense fog and zero visibility and the speeds going down to 60. On the way back, it was more driving as usual as the trip was over the course of the afternoon.

Why do I do it? Is it because of my inherent liking for all things cars and driving? It is a contributing factor, sure, but I don't think it is the complete answer. Is it because it is difficult and somewhat of a perceived challenge to drive for 8 to 10 hours straight? This is also not the complete reason but an important contributor.

Just my thoughts 15th Dec 2025

I still miss the hell out of you. But the pain is no longer as bad as it used to be. As they correctly say, time and distance heals everything. It ended a long time ago, and more importantly, in her eyes, there was nothing there in the first place anyways, but it took me over six months and multiple bouts of sinking to a dark place and questioning everything to get over her.

It was real on my end, it was true for me and regardless of what might be considered complex, hard to read and not easy going at all, I believe I stayed true and upfront. I am sure she felt she was being true and didn't try to hurt me on purpose. I should also not be hurt as much as I am given how she had already told us that we were "just friends" and that I was just "convenient". However, those words hurt worse than being rejected, because they remind me of how easily I give away so much of myself and how easily people take it for granted.

This is not to say that I do not respect her decision. I also respect the fact that there is no good way of ending things. It is going to be taken incorrectly by the party being rejected anyways, more so by a person who is ADHD and sensitive to rejection and has anxious attachment style. I am the problem, no doubt.

Any person at any time has the right to say no and walk away, but it doesn't really stop it from hurting does it?

I just laugh at my patterns sometimes. Here I am, bored and procrastinating on the work that we need to do, letting my thoughts wander back to the person that called me "convenient" and "just a friend".

It is funny how against all odds, against all the self-talks about how I should get over it, get over whatever it was, I come back and wait for some cosmic event which will get her to reach out and text. All these quotes, these books, these philosophies that I claim to imbibe, I am pretty sure will be down the drain the minute, no no, the second I receive a text from her...I would like to believe that this is exactly why I think it was real, but I will also call out my bullshit and say that it is just my anxious attachment style and rejection refusal which just wants to get to a scenario where I was enough for the other person and that it wasn't just all in my head. The need to be right about what I considered to be mutual feelings, but the other person refused to agree, is what I think also keeps driving this and bugs me.

Just my thoughts 10th Dec 2025

I don't know Alice! Things that we in the past (SB) seem to not affect me so much anymore. There was a time I used to feel so overwhelmed trying to get that person to calm down and trying to contain that situation. I kept looking for an answer, anything that I could do that would help them get out of the loop and diffuse the situation. Now, I was drawn back to the same shit, even though I have been consistently distant, or more so because of it, but this time I was far less bothered. I want to believe this was because I know that it wasn't entirely because of my actions, but the truth is that my actions were wrong, but they needed to happen. I have been wanting to withdraw from this for a long time now, especially seeing how conveniently people have forgotten what they have done in the past and just assuming that it is closed. Yes, it is closed, but I got hurt and I have every right to not be available at the same level anymore. It is not like I have not made this clear to the other person or am stringing them along. Yet, they seem to get offended by my actions. At this point, I don't know what to do but I do know that my stand on this is clear, regardless of how bad a picture that person seems to be drawing of me.

On a similar vein, it has been a while since RC ended as well. Last Friday was the last straw after the last straw. The last straw was the day when I was told I was just "convenient and a timepass".  Last Friday was when RC chose to be indifferent by my absence in a meetup that saw me drop her off and wait for others to arrive, only for them to then continue plans without me 15 minutes before the meetup was about to happen. What bothered me on the RC front was that RC knew that I was nearby waiting for others to wrap up their previous engagement. She was informed of the change of plans and chose to not speak up. I even get the fact that she would have wanted to keep the fact that I dropped her on the down low, but it didn't bother her even a bit to check with me once? Dayum bruh, this is the level of respect I got after doing so much for that person. Obviously, I never did anything with malintent, but that doesn't also mean that it should be taken for granted at this level. However, it confirms a few things...either it was really nothing or that person is a user. I still would like to believe the former  and not the latter as the latter is something that I am assuming since I am too sensitive of their actions.

I miss having that friend....but it is time I call out my bullshite

Lights out Alice!

The last straw has been broken. Although it ended a while ago, it took me a while to come to terms with it and way longer to accept it. When the dust settles and one is not blinded by the desire to do anything to prove their worthiness, we are able to see the truth for what it is and not an opportunity or an area of improvement. Being the analytical person, who is filled with self hate and has serious anxious attachment problems, everything HAS to have a meaning behind it otherwise there is something that I am yet to understand about the situation. Everything has to have a "RIGHT" course of action, something that the feedback in the first instance from a  person will lead me to believe and mould myself to fit into.

Well I was a piece of convenient single use plastic once again

Lights out Alice!

History repeats itself...and how!!

I have once again been told that I was nothing more than just a convenient piece of single use plastic and it was wrong of me to take the countless late night outings "as a hint".

My biggest insecurity and fear has always been that I am reading people wrong and I am stepping in on a place where I was not invited. Obviously this comes from poor nervous system regulation ability curated through the wild childhood I had, complimented by restless, if not ADHD brain.

At this point, this person is now the fourth person in a row to have done this, but since I made the mistake of still showing up when there was help required, I was thanked with the statement, "oh it was nothing serious, I was just having fun..."

I didn't know statements could hurt like that. It is not like I led the person on. I had clarified my interest. It is okay if somebody slips, but to then label it in such a trivial manner as just a fling...after hanging out for months...and then claiming that I took the wrong hint...this does shatter me to bits. Pieces that I have to pick up and rebuild once more. 

Which is fine, but what hurts and what will continue to hurt is how it became my problem of incorrect interpretation and how there was ZERO feelings ever from her end and how I took the wrong hint.

KP, SB, MDS and now RC. Same shit, different ways. Use a person when it is convenient and then throw them in the dustbin and make them feel like worthless garbage.

Why am I so afraid of slowing down?

The moment it starts becoming routine, alarms start going off, code red, burn everything, start from scratch, do a evaluation of everything that is currently being done, label as good or bad habit, make a list of new good ones to incorporate and the bad habits to break. Plans put in place for growth. What yo do in the next 3 months, next 6 months. Account for the struggle, the lack of motivation and how I plan to push through when it gets tough. Good job. We are now back on the right track, I tell myself. I can take a break now....and that's it.

Reliving the good times with RC

Let me tell you the story of a very fond memory with RC: OHC, the incessant rain, us frolicking around while playing board games in the car. 

...This is a continuation of the RC story. I wanted to create a separate post for one of the most beautiful and fun memories I shared with RC. One of the many awesome evenings that I had...

Side note: Now that it is all over and done, and no morsel of hope remains and even my denial has turned into acceptance, I can safely say that I am grateful for the memories. There were lots of good ones and RC as a person was really a gem, a gem that definitely deserved better than a lowlife like me. I am just thankful to have shared the memories that I did, to get her attention for the time I did and for being treated in a such an awesome manner that she did. Now, coming to the story.

By this point, a pattern had been established. Mondays I would be pushed away, Tuesdays would be cold, Wednesdays we would slowly initiate talking post her meetings (case call) and then Thursdays would be a push and pull in trying to test boundaries in what we both knew would eventually end up as an outing. I had specified it that Thursdays were our days to roam around for which I changed my wardrobe to a casual one even though I generally only had casual Fridays previously. Generally, by Friday there would be too much of hanging out with me for her and she would be cold about the weekend. I did understand her need for space and the fact that for her, it was "just friends" unlike what I felt about us. However, I knew that I wasn't strong enough to not text her. I would give in by Saturday first half and then drop a text in a casual manner to wait for her to reply on whether she was free to drive around in the evening, which she would agree to and then we would hang out and drive around and just have a gala time.

This story was also on a Saturday and I had followed the same MO of dropping a text in the afternoon to check if she was free in the evening. She texted back late that a lot of shit had gone wrong and that she hadn't had a proper lunch and she was a bit under the weather and her stomach was acting up. Cue my opportunity to swing in. I did. But on a serious note, I did not do it out of any ulterior motive. I did care about her, if nothing then at least as a friend even though my care had additional levels to it. There was no mal-intention ever. Why would I want to hurt the one I care about (and if anything I did cause any pain, I am sorry). Coming back from the self-pity tangent, I drive to her place on that short notice. I pick her up. We drive to the nearest decent restaurant that would serve food friendly to the stomach. Had a bit of fun hanging around. Then I had every mind to drop her off and head home. But I also thought why not check if she would be up for a drive. She was. Typical RC. But where? Why not head to our old office in OHC. 

As we started, the heavens opened up. I love the rain and she doesn't mind it. However, what was a gentle downpour turned into a thunderstorm by the time we reached the parking. Fortunately, I had a backup. I had board games in the car. However, what transpired is more than just playing board games and hanging out. 

We shared a moment where I knew it was real. I simply adored her and she let go of all that was holding her back (something that I still haven't figured out) and just enjoyed the moment. She was happy. Seeing her smile, for real and without any inhibition made me happy. She felt safe, safe enough to let her 100ft high walls down a little. She wasn't worried about the future or burdened with her past. It was a rare moment where she was herself and decided to not put the burden of society's expectation in her actions.