State of affairs 13th March 2026

 Lights out Alice!

The eye problem persists. Night time blurriness and strain is still a problem. Obscene amount of money spent on tests and multiple visits to 3 different doctors over multiple weeks have led to no conclusion for now other than waiting for the Vitamin levels to go up before repeating the tests again to see if anything changes. There is a part of me that feels that since I blew everything out of proportion and caused everyone to worry and panic, I should be punished with an actual diagnosis on something. Something that redeems me in the eye of people who think I was much adoing about nothing.

The other part of me goes back to that moment when I lost consciousness and felt everything slipping away, the pain increasing by an amount I was not able to comprehend, everything moving faster than the speed I was able to process it and crescendo of not being able to control anything and panic racing through my mind. I am pretty sure those however minutes I had passed out for were the scariest I have ever felt in recent memory. It scared the shit out of me to the point that everything that followed on that day felt heavier and much more real. Even now, the eye problem and the vitamin levels and the RA factor being high is just something that is midly inconveniencing, largely frustrating but not painful (other than the eyes and the constant headaches looking at  a screen or driving at night). But at that point, when it was also suspected to be a brain issue, post the passing out episode, it felt real.

What really gets my goat is the fact that there has been little to no progress on this. How multiple doctors are also unable to confirm anything even after multiple tests.

On a side note, I read a good paragraph from Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk:

No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments you should have been paying attention.