I don't know why am I the biggest limitation. No, it is not anybody else but my own brain, designed to help me, which is the biggest hinderance in my path to leading a better life.
Context: RC reached out if we could go back to being friends again.
On one hand having her around would be pretty cool and really good in the short term but I know that over time I will go back to having feelings and mis-interpreting her actions which would never end well for either of us. Which meant that I had to decline and end things which had already previously ended. This is like ending v_13345_final_v2...
I know there are decisions that I need to take that are right for me, which end up feeling like a kick in the guts. This was definitely one of them. Even after saying and in that instance of writing the no, I flip-flopped a million times.
We don't know what the future holds. Maybe being friends again is important for me to heal. Maybe she comes to her senses. Maybe it all works out. That last bit of hope that had died but got reincarnated with this invitation. But because this happened, it was indication enough that I am still not over it and there is no hope of me being able to forget all this.
I wish I was a better than this and able to forget everything and pretend that it never happened. I wish I could be the guy who could play the game and not be affected by the outcome. Sadly, I am not one of those people. Agreeing to be friends would have been pretending to be someone I am not. For the life of me, I could not bring myself round to living that lie.
If it isn't meant to be, it really isn't and I shouldn't force it.
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