The S Saga

 Lights out Alice!

I have gone and done it again. I have made the mistake of opening up once more. I have done the dreaded deed of developing some kind of feelings for a person. The worst part is that I would not allow myself to act on it till I sure of my intentions and their availability. A sort of perfect information situation that would help me take the best decision for this circumstance. Oh, how naive when we already know that perfect information that can be the basis of life decisions DO NOT EXIST. Plus, there is the added consideration that I do not want to be the source of hurt for any person. I would rather cease to be a part of their life, continue leading a life filled with resentment and chances not taken than walking down a road where I might end up hurting someone. This sounds stupid and is a sure shot path to loneliness. But hurting someone is a gamble I am not willing to take but withdrawal also means that I never get to check if the feeling was mutual. All I get is resentment, something that leads to a lot of frustration and unwarranted fits of rage in everyday life. It is the starting point of a bad spiral, which if left uncontrolled, can lead to a very deteriorated personal life.

I guess that is a chance I have to take since I don't think I have the stomach to hurt someone I kind of care about. What the hell is this situation wherein I am damned if I go ahead and express my feelings and there exists someone else in the equation versus withdrawing and bottling my emotions to the point that they are supressed in a corner till I essentially "get over it". If I go ahead with the former and do not get a favourable result out it, it will just lead to an awkward situation wherein we will never be able to get back to things the way they were before. Withdrawal just means that my behaviour will be labelled as rude and arrogant and I will be the bad guy. Over time, they will forget about me and all I will have is my regret and painful thoughts to keep me company.

The problem is that my default choice is always choose loneliness over hurting people. But then I also rationalize that hurting people is inevitable and hence should not be a consideration factor in my decision making since future is unknown. We only regret the actions not taken and not the mistakes committed. But, the equation still involves another person, their feelings and as far as possible, I would never like to hurt anyone.

Back at this merry go round Alice. Sorry for all the crap that I unload on you and you have been a patient listener. I also apologise for not being a better person and being able to articulate better. Thank you for your unconditioned patience and unreciprocated allegiance Alice!