A look back

Lights out Alice!

I got curious when I reviewing my last post as to what the first ever post on this blog was. I am pretty sure the one posted is just one of the multiple "stimulus" that would have been crucial in this push towards jotting down my brain farts. The word in the last sentence is in quotes because it is a nod to the first post. Do check it out if you have the time. There is shimmering slivers of subtle brilliance in the prose and even though it reeks of an amateur, it embraces you with the purity that only one's true innermost thoughts can present themselves in. It is somewhat heartening for me to see that when it all started, it did start from a place of truth and my writings have mostly been a good approximation of my innermost thoughts and desires. This no doubts also points to my aversion in sharing them publicly as this is pretty personal to me and I would never be this comfortable opening up to this extent to any one person. However, the fact that I do publish it in some remote and non descript corner of the internet instead of keeping it on personal drive also points towards the subtle need for gratification and a longing desire to be recognized by people. This trait of external validation that I seek in a subtle manner is infuriating to me as it points towards the manifestation of a childhood trauma other than the obvious problem of it being a very bad trait. 

Given the unprecedented upheaval and turmoil in the last few days, I would never be stupid enough to venture into saying that there is a tomorrow for this blog and now that I have brought up this thought into my cognition, there is no chance in hell that this survives. However, as was taught to me, I will be grateful in this moment of all that I have received in my life, especially this good period in terms of being able to write two crappy paragraphs at least once a week. It would be foolish of me to assume that this would last forever, but hopefully I turn back to this whenever I am feeling low or need to pour out my innermost feelings out to the world in a manner that it out there in the open for people to discover, however, I wouldn't want anyone to discover it as well. Although I won't go into it right now, that requirement of creating a mystique and an aura around me is pretty indicative of my need for validation and is also not a healthy habit.

Regardless of my shortcomings Alice, all I have is hope and I hope that I can hang on to this hope through tough times!