The S saga part 2

Disclaimer: S, it is not meant to be a sensationalization of the situation but just my version of events wherein I try to point out my errors...so don't get mad.

Well, I took the leap, decided to ask the person out for dinner just to gauge the situation. Turns out, already taken. Didn't want to broach further because, well, because I am not that guy. I just walk away. It sucks because this was another instance when I was trying to open up ans get close but was unsuccessful in finding a confidante.

As highlighted by that person, T is an important confidante and I hope it extends beyond the years but mostly I think the issue lies with me. I am unable to go beyond the normal and just stick to surface level interactions. Maybe I can't be there at that level with a friend and the sad fact is that I dare expect that in return even though I am not reciprocating equally. 

Also, it comes back to the question, as aptly raised by S, why we think we would need friends anyways.

Additionally, I don't know what I was expecting from this given that I never communicated it properly enough and the interaction was never at that level enough but I am currently disappointed and at some levels broken. This attempt to find someone to talk to on a deeper level was unsuccessful, as all signs had already indicated and I had braced myself for the same, yet somehow I find myself sad. Sad because again I think I failed to connect with human beings and sad because I am lonely in a crowd and have that cliched belief of "nobody really understands me".

Reminder to self: You bloody idiot, nobody really understands you because you treat them like shit and because we are all searching for ourselves and don't have the bandwidth to actually look up and be there for others. Nobody will come to save you. We are only ones who have to pick up after themselves and dust ourselves of. We all deal with pain and doesn't matter how much we feel we are suffering and others are not, the reality is that all of us are dealing with pain inside. Some bear it better than others, some not so well but there are but only a few exceptions to this. Hence this understanding needs awareness that people are dealing with their own shit and need to be forgiven for not being there for you when you needed them.