Well shit!

 Lights out Alice!

I have done it again. I have gone and impulse shopped again. But as far as I think, I have a pattern of impulse shopping and it is not just a random thing. Before I dive into multiple unfounded tangents, I just want to clarify what I purchased impulsively and then go on to defend why it was not an impulse purchase and more of a deep desire and then end with arguments in favour of it being an impulse purchase.  I just bought a bicycle today. Yes, it is expensive and no, it is not the same as buying expensive biscuits for no reason. It was around two months of my expenses budget at a time when I have already blown my expense budget for the next month. This is pretty bad. I have very little control over things I want. If I cannot learn to live within my means, I am headed towards a very bad place when MBA as budgets would be even tighter. Imagine deciding to quit a cushy job and working towards my own venture when I have the self control of a toddler or even worse. Add to that my inability to walk away from somebody requesting me for my help in cash or kind. Obviously, my reaction to this is fairly established and something I will not repeat here but safe to say it is not healthy but more along the lines of self harm.

Now, for the part of explaining the pattern behind impulse purchases. First, I want something but I resist buying it. Next, I let it simmer in my mind and instead of taking a decision on it, falsely claim that I could do without it. I don't completely eliminate it from my head but let it bubble bubble, till there is toil and trouble. I imagine the different scenarios in my head, with a bias towards the positive over the important negatives. If there aren't enough good things, no problem, my highly imaginative brain will create imagined scenarios that will falsely paint a very happy picture even though that is unlikely to happen. Now that the scene is set in my brain, I will just look for the next opportunity or excuse to go and impulse purchase the item that had been stewing. Since the idea had been stewing for a while, I don't need to check with the retailer as to what I want but just go and ask for what I want. This means that for an outsider, it looks a lot like impulse purchase. To be fair, it probably is. But it is not impulsive in the literal sense as the plan gets implemented over a longer period of time. Yes, excuses galore.

I really hope I grow out of this bad habit as this is an unhealthy lifestyle that I cannot afford to perpetuate. This cannot go on. I need to work on myself to work towards that will make a difference, things that will help others and not go on an put on a lavish lifestyle that is definitely beyond my means. Why am I such a fool Alice!

P.S: I really miss my parents as well as my sister. The feeling of being lost and never belonging has not gone away (I am not sure I want it to) but I am slacking off big time and hope I can get to some level of discipline and consistent effort in study soon.

Lights out Alice!