Lights out Alice!
I did it again! I made that mistake again. I took a decision impulsively even though the decision would not help me in my day's plan which had been created just 5 minutes prior to the impulsive decision. Obviously I did take this decision so as to go ahead and tear up the entire plan created for the day, curated with the help of granular level planning, in a bid to "prioritize" what was urgent at that time. To be fair, that argument of "urgent" was hogwash since it did not matter as I did not work on getting enough background for both decisions to take an educated guess. I just made one plan for the day and then decided to go ahead and do something else entirely so that I could live under the guilt of not having executed to my plan. I am pretty sure that I do it on purpose, albeit subconsciously.
Yesterday, I got a zoomcar impulsively as I argued that I would need to go around and interview people or stores for the case competition even before I had thoroughly read the question and understood it's scope. As it turns out, there wasn't much requirement to pull a Cipla style store owner survey and that I might have jumped the gun because I just wanted to get a Zoomcar. What an idiot sirji! Somehow, I even ended up wasting the entire day without getting a lot done although I did try and help out a friend, but that wasn't even optional and I would have done it regardless of the date and my schedule.
The point I am trying to make here is that I have identified a few patterns in my mode of functioning. First, towards the beginning of any long vacation, I first procrastinate on taking a decision whether to take a vacation break or not, refusing to listen to my mind and my heart and trying to "stick to a schedule". We will see shortly that it all goes to hell anyways after this. Now, the cravings of my heart do not die down, but just reduce to the voice that is relentlessly repeating itself to my brain. My brain can take it, for a while, but as soon as the next decision making juncture comes and my heart starts shouting about the innermost desire that I had been trying to curb, my brain gives in the very first instance without resistance just to get it to shut up. Now, the decision is taken in favour of my previous craving without looking at the reality of the current situation or if this would even fit in it. A few minutes later regret walks in and reminds my brain that I took a decision impulsively and did not take into account the factors surrounding the current decision or the relevance of my choice to my actual situation at hand. Brain in turn goes into overtime mode trying to force fit the decision into the situation and failing. Remorse comes in with a lounge chair and occupies my brain. Regret brings along with it a can of beverage to sit and enjoy as well. Not one to be left behind, procrastination decides to come in uninvited to my mind and takes over the DJ sound system in my brain. Either I am in hyperdrive mode trying to juggle 55 different tasks at once or I get drowsy when I step down from multitasking to focusing on a single task and concentrating to get a single thing done. It is at this point if I turn towards studies do I realise that my mind decides to shut shop and go into sleep mode. I am unable to focus or keep awake, barely able to keep my mind on my books or the subject I need to focus on and realisation steps in that I have ruined my day.
I know Alice, that there is still hope at this point and that If I keep fighting, do one small thing and complete it, there is scope to turn the day around but it is hard for me. It is pretty difficult to find that one thing I can complete when my brain is hosting a party with procrastination supplying the booze, guilt burning up the dance floor and anxiety running around like a kid tasting a drink for the first time and does not realize they are drunk. That one simple task to be completed becomes a humongous mountain to be climbed, made especially more daunting and steeper when my day is filled with things I need to revise. I am good at learning new topics and areas, but I suck at two things: diving deeper into a topic with technicalities as it requires sustained effort (which I suck at) and revising. I don't know why but I will never look at my notes after writing them and I can't stay awake when I have to revise stuff. Obviously, I regret it the moment exams come around, but this is a fault in me I am yet to figure out the solution for.
Toodles Alice, lights out!
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