The need for control

 Lights out Alice!

This will be a short one and hopefully I complete my point. I am a control freak. I HAVE to plan, not for execution, but to reduce my anxiety because after I make the plan the procrastinating side of me takes over and ensures that I never make the deadlines I set for myself. Ever. But as always, that isn't the point of the conversation today.

For weeks now I have been pretty uncomfortable with Hostel life for reasons documented in previous posts as well as for the simple fact that Tea was unavailable to me when I wanted it and had to travel all the way to Sharmaji canteen at a specific time hoping for the more lenient Sharmaji, the older boss man to be present at the counter who would then make a sugar-free tea for me. This generally took away all sense of control and I had to mould my schedule around it to get tea and ensure my day went about the way I wanted it to. Not to say that this exercise made me less efficient as in reality it made me more efficient and structured, but it took away control from me and the ability to have tea on a whim as well as being able to control the strength of the tea. Why Tea? Tea is fairly important as I am a tea addict but moreover it is an easy thing to prepare and hence something I can go into making without committing too much time to cooking. Especially given the fact that the washbasins are only available in the bathroom (ahhh!)

Coming back to the point again, I brought an induction cooker yesterday and made the first cup of tea in my own room (if I can even say that given that there are two other people in it). Tea sucked, the ratio of tea leaves was too strong, milk was not the great kind and it all turned out a bit meh. But somehow, it was satisfying. Post tea, I sat down to think why this would be the case. Why such a mediocre to borderline meh cup of tea be so liberating? Is it because it gave me a sense of achievement or because of a sense of control? I don't know why but suddenly I feel better about the otherwise crappy living situation that I am in. I feel like there is something that reminds me of a happier time or a time in which I could be in-charge of what took place around me.

Needless to point out, it has only been half an hour since the aforementioned tea incident and hence I haven't fully dissected my emotions but if the urgency to write a blog is any indicator, I would say that this is notable enough to warrant further observation and diagnosis.

I probably won't get better at writing succinctly or consistently, but here's to hope Alice. Lights out!