Lights out Alice!
Chaos reigns supreme even though life is not as bad it got a few weeks back. I can't really put my finger on what is the thing that is causing me distress but I just don't feel centered. I feel anxious. I feel ill at ease. Maybe that's the way it is supposed to be and what I felt till date was the safety and security net of parents and home. But here I am today at my sister's place and I don't feel at ease enough. I don't feel that same sense of security and warmth. Something that Mickey (younger brother) would have felt when he came over to visit me in Mumbai. I was distant and subsumed in my work which is exactly the state my sister is in right now. New to the consulting field, she feels like she has a lot to prove to cement her place in the company. Little does she realize that it is a endless goal and one that should not be pursued since it comes at the cost of self care and mental health. The need to be always active, always kicking and always "working" on something or talking to someone doesn't work for me. I will not go on and claim that it is bad for everyone, because that would be presumptuous, especially given the lack of data I have on this front. I can, but only know what has happened to me or how I felt when it happened to me.
I really hope that she finds her place soon and that she can get back to a safe position where she is able to be happy with the state she is in, both mentally and societally. I really hope that in midst of trying to cement her place in the world, she does not forget that she needs to put herself first and also think about all the people around her and the price she is paying for chasing a high growth career. Adulations and promotions are pretty swanky, at least for the people that care about it, but they come at a cost. I am not claiming the price that one has to pay is better or worse than another but I am claiming that one needs to realize the TRUE price one has to pay to stand strong in these careers.
Alice, the question I keep asking myself is whether I am interested in chasing such a career. Whether I can sustainably live with myself for the price I will have to pay. The price of neglecting my parents, the people who made me who I am today. Is it right that they got me to this point, only for me to abandon them and claim that "I am busy with work" and not even take half an hour a day to talk to them about how their day went. A few weeks back I had reached that state and when the realisation hit me after I heard my mom break down into tears, it freaking hurt. It still hurts actually and reminded me of this conundrum of whether the price is right. Why is society designed in such a way that we have to all but abandon the people that made us in the time they need us the most? Why are so many people lonely even with family and friends.
Well, we will have to wait and see Alice if I end up doing exactly what the world does to their parents, abandoned and ignored or I choose a better answer. I really hope I can find one or else I should tell my future self that none of the successes or failures would be worth it if I failed to take care of my primary responsibility!
Lights out Alice!
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