I thought I could do without love and affection

 Lights out Alice!

Ah, the age old adage that you never know what you have got until you have lost it. It never fails to come back and bite you in your behind. Two major points to be covered in this article before I forget it and shot off on a tangent:

1. I really miss the warmth, love and affection of my parents and their lack of presence in my life is driving me insane.

2. Those tales of searching meaning/ trying to drown out the noise of the world and cravings of the mind (for affection) that KP used to tell me and I used to be bewildered by, have now come to haunt me and suddenly, it all makes sense. Longing for belonging. Finding yourself by getting lost in the crowd. Travelling aimlessly to find direction. It has all started making some sense now.

Oh, how I miss the comfort of Kolkata, the ability to roam around freely and explore places without a deadline or a curfew hour. Not like I have frequently stayed out after 11pm in Kolkata or gone out before 5 am (the curfew hours in MDI), but just the fact that there is an imposed rule is enough to drive me crazy. Labels and controls/ imposed rules seem to be having more effect on me than I would have ever liked to admit. It has gotten to the point where it is affecting my work and I am not centered enough to get stuff done. I am all over the place and thus just end up wasting a lot of time spinning my wheels at the same place without getting anything done.

I have also picked up another bad habit. Make that two. I overeat when in the mess canteen because I am bored or struggle to contain myself seeing the spread available. I also snack when I am bored, even though I am not remotely hungry. But the biggest issue that has come up is my rapidly deteriorating ability to focus, hunker down and study a chapter for any subject. MBA is by design fast paced and surface skimming. You are rarely given the time to dive deep into anything or actually take the time to understand. Add to this my ADHD and likeness of multitasking and wanting to be busy, I actually am unable to slow down and focus on the boring work which is actually the most useful of them all.

Lights out Alice!

Is cyclicity a part of nature?

Lights out Alice!

Context: When the TV world exploded from analog to digital, it first brought about a need for mass standardisation, which it needed to do meet the exponential surge in demand. But as soon as it became commonplace, people started wanting a more differentiated product to separate themselves from the crowd. Hence companies need to start offering more variety. But as soon as options started increasing, customers didn't find TVs to be a differentiating social status factor anymore and hence just went to buy one of the better options available without needing to go for the best. This again meant the market went towards standardisation. For our case yesterday, when chip manufacturers started bringing their form of innovation to the picture, again the differentiation would arise, maybe for a smaller time period and the market would demand customized and top notch products.

Similar patterns can be seen in US car industry. Initially when nobody had a car in 1900s, Model T was a differentiating factor enough. But slowly, the upper class wanted more discerning cars, which led to coach builders hand building custom cars to specification of customers. In the 70s, OEMs sniffed this trend of giving options and hence started offering large variety right out of factory, aka mass customisation. In the next decade or two, unable to have the same margins with increasing customisation, OEMs started rationalizing customisability. Consumer demand also went towards mass market cars such as sedans and vans. Again, the need for customisability in the current era sees the boom of customisation where we can option trim levels, wheels and countless other mods from factory because OEMs sniffed better margins in this having not offered such options between 2000s to 2010s which had led to the surge in aftermarket performance upgrades.

Not sure if this again violates the golden rule of every industry and business situation is context specific but I think this trend of mass market, no customisation, then large variation and rinse and repeat does occur in most situations.

I am not sure if I am right Alice but I just wanted to put it out there!

Just Do It

 Lights out Alice!

Just Do It!

Simple words, yet pretty powerful. They convey what they mean. First take action. Three words, short and simple and yet we fail to understand the need to implement this ethos into every step of our every day lives. This is especially important for me as I am self-certified professional grade procrastinator and hence reminding myself to get out of the negative spiral and loop and not get complacent everyday is critical. 

In this world full of distractions and anxiety (at least for me) it is very hard to sit still and focus. Coupled with the undiagnosed ADHD, even 20 minutes of focused studies with rote memorisation would be an impossible task for me. Procrastination prevents me from getting started in the first place and in the rare event that I overcome that, it sends its first cousin, ADHD to ensure that even I get started, I cannot maintain the momentum and get the task done. I will deflate midway, lose motivation and probably never get anything done. This hypothesis can be further validated by the sheer number of open tabs (over 30) on my browser and through the number of books I have downloaded (or bought physically), opened and read the first 15-20 pages and then doze off, wake up, try to read the book again and then ultimately quit a few days later.

I hope I am able to recover from this never ending cycle of inefficiency Alice!

Why can't I see through anything that I pick up till the end?

 Lights out Alice!

As a professional grade scatterbrain, I am used to hyper-fixating on a topic for a short time, committing to unrealistic timelines, effort and goals and then ditching them immediately when the next new thing comes around for me to hyper-fixate. This is a wasteful and despicable habit that runs away from the struggle that is a pre-requisite to learning anything correctly. When one wants to learn something that matters, in a manner that they will remember for a long time, grind is a necessity. Going through the phase where nothing other than sheer discipline and routine gets the student to complete the tough portions before being able to reap the reward of their hard work. Add to this my complete and utter hatred and avoidance of revision (I only like learning something new, not revising sadly), it tracks that I fail at learning new things in a correct manner or in any completeness.

I can waste time for hours on end, but I can't concentrate for 20 minutes at a time towards anything that requires sustained effort with a book. Since being able to concentrate for studying is more of a muscle memory action rather than something that can be done anytime, the hustle and bustle of MBA along with the million and one distractions present in the hostel has meant that I have not been exercising my studying muscles, leading them to grow weak to the point that even 15 minutes of boring subject or dry details and I am unable to withstand it.

Seriously Alice, I don't know how people do it but I do know that in the hostel my efficiency level has plunged below zero to the extent that I am not even sure that I am capable to finishing anything that I start.

But sometimes I also do ask myself, is it all my fault or is it also that the book is written in a drab manner? Is it that they haven't presented the information in a format that will pique my brain's curiosity and get me to read on and understand in a format that allows my brain to pick up takeaways and have a structured flow which leads to a learning objective at each turn. This however, needs to be done using the right balance between I E Irodov level of explanation versus Management books level of pfaffing for no reason. I generally learn better when I have two things: A deadline hanging on my head, moreover, an near impossible deadline to actually get me working and also key stepwise goals that need to be reached in a stepwise manner (although not too many steps) to get to the ultimate prize of learning it better. The jury will remain undecided for now given my severe inability to concentrate for even 15 minutes in studying. What is strikingly bad is that I was at this level of concentration and study ability back in my graduate days and all the effort put in to improving this has now been erased and it is back to square one again!

P.S: Most of my articles/ case comp participations are examples of something that I start off very enthusiastically towards the beginning and then fade off towards the middle and barely cobble something together in the end.

Lights out Alice!

Changing your environment to break a bad habit cycle

 Lights out Alice!

Inspiration for this article: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7HT2EgMvLo -Improvement Pill Youtube channel

One of the better ways of breaking out of a bad habit cycle is to change your environment and reduce distractions that prevent you from getting things done or promote a bad habit. If I have my phone nearby when I am sitting down to study, I will be tempted to look at it every five minutes. If I keep my phone on silent and then keep it in the same room and within arm's length, it is worse for my concentration because I have two distracting thoughts occurring, first being the anxiety of missing a message on my phone since it is in silent mode and the second would be to just do a quick check to see if the world has fallen apart in the 40 seconds I last checked my phone in. I would rather just get rid of the phone from my eyesight altogether.

Coming back to the gist of the article, it stated that to break a bad habit cycle, one definitely needs to change their environment to one which is devoid of all distractions that can prevent the successful execution of the above stated task.

  

I am struggling to keep pace with CAIML classes

 Lights out Alice!

Though it was expected and bound to happen given my history with anything I take up, I have hit a new low with the ultra expensive CAIML course on business analytics that I have taken up. Having missed the last two weeks of classes, I have no clue of what is currently being taught and am unable to follow it as well. Consequently, the classes don't make sense and given the hectic schedule I have and the procrastinating nature, it is only going to get worse from here on out.

I claimed that it was not new because time and again this exact thing has happened. I have taken up a new thing/ course/ task with far too much enthusiasm and far too little of a plan as to how to sustain it and then after the initial high, sunk into a low that I struggle to recover from and eventually end up leaving things mid-way because I do not have the dedication to catch up and also look for an easy escape by finding new things that interest me and repeating this vicious cycle all over again.

Something that my time here in hostel and MDI has done is make me forget my basic habits. The focus to sit through and complete a task, not getting sidetracked by everything that shines and getting to the nitty gritty of things, however "boring" they might be. I hate the fact that I have now lost that ability, something which was a weak area for me and it took me a while to develop and now I am back to square one. 

Another thing I particularly hate is my headspace wherein I waste time when I have it and think I have too much time on my hands and end up using this time to find new shit to do. This means that things pile up and when due dates come thick and fast, I get easily overwhelmed and then am unable to complete anything that I have taken up. This is so frustrating but is a bad habit I can't seem to shake.

 WHY Alice WHY? Why can't I just finish all that I start? Why can't I sit down with a theoretical book and read on the things that are important for five whole minutes? Why can't I be better at learning tough technical concepts? Why do I waste the time when I have it by procrastinating and focusing on the wrong things?

I really hope that I can find a way to break the chain as this has gone on long enough and unless there is a sea change in approach and execution, my hopes and dreams of being in a better place a few years down the line will never materialize.

Some helpful links:

https://www.oxford-royale.com/articles/common-study-problems/

https://myperformancelearning.com/blog/what-to-do-if-you-feel-like-you-are-struggling-at-school/

https://www.sciencealert.com/psychology-holds-clues-to-slowing-down-time-when-it-feels-like-it-s-racing-away

https://www.ool.co.uk/blog/youre-struggling-course/

Lights out Alice!

Another impulse purchase day

 Lights out Alice!

I did it again! I made that mistake again. I took a decision impulsively even though the decision would not help me in my day's plan which had been created just 5 minutes prior to the impulsive decision. Obviously I did take this decision so as to go ahead and tear up the entire plan created for the day, curated with the help of granular level planning, in a bid to "prioritize" what was urgent at that time. To be fair, that argument of "urgent" was hogwash since it did not matter as I did not work on getting enough background for both decisions to take an educated guess. I just made one plan for the day and then decided to go ahead and do something else entirely so that I could live under the guilt of not having executed to my plan. I am pretty sure that I do it on purpose, albeit subconsciously. 

Yesterday, I got a zoomcar impulsively as I argued that I would need to go around and interview people or stores for the case competition even before I had thoroughly read the question and understood it's scope. As it turns out, there wasn't much requirement to pull a Cipla style store owner survey and that I might have jumped the gun because I just wanted to get a Zoomcar. What an idiot sirji! Somehow, I even ended up wasting the entire day without getting a lot done although I did try and help out a friend, but that wasn't even optional and I would have done it regardless of the date and my schedule.

The point I am trying to make here is that I have identified a few patterns in my mode of functioning. First, towards the beginning of any long vacation, I first procrastinate on taking a decision whether to take a vacation break or not, refusing to listen to my mind and my heart and trying to "stick to a schedule". We will see shortly that it all goes to hell anyways after this. Now, the cravings of my heart do not die down, but just reduce to the voice that is relentlessly repeating itself to my brain. My brain can take it, for a while, but as soon as the next decision making juncture comes and my heart starts shouting about the innermost desire that I had been trying to curb, my brain gives in the very first instance without resistance just to get it to shut up. Now, the decision is taken in favour of my previous craving without looking at the reality of the current situation or if this would even fit in it. A few minutes later regret walks in and reminds my brain that I took a decision impulsively and did not take into account the factors surrounding the current decision or the relevance of my choice to my actual situation at hand. Brain in turn goes into overtime mode trying to force fit the decision into the situation and failing. Remorse comes in with a lounge chair and occupies my brain. Regret brings along with it a can of beverage to sit and enjoy as well. Not one to be left behind, procrastination decides to come in uninvited to my mind and takes over the DJ sound system in my brain. Either I am in hyperdrive mode trying to juggle 55 different tasks at once or I get drowsy when I step down from multitasking to focusing on a single task and concentrating to get a single thing done. It is at this point if I turn towards studies do I realise that my mind decides to shut shop and go into sleep mode. I am unable to focus or keep awake, barely able to keep my mind on my books or the subject I need to focus on and realisation steps in that I have ruined my day.

I know Alice, that there is still hope at this point and that If I keep fighting, do one small thing and complete it, there is scope to turn the day around but it is hard for me. It is pretty difficult to find that one thing I can complete when my brain is hosting a party with procrastination supplying the booze, guilt burning up the dance floor and anxiety running around like a kid tasting a drink for the first time and does not realize they are drunk. That one simple task to be completed becomes a humongous mountain to be climbed, made especially more daunting and steeper when my day is filled with things I need to revise. I am good at learning new topics and areas, but I suck at two things: diving deeper into a topic with technicalities as it requires sustained effort (which I suck at) and revising. I don't know why but I will never look at my notes after writing them and I can't stay awake when I have to revise stuff. Obviously, I regret it the moment exams come around, but this is a fault in me I am yet to figure out the solution for.

Toodles Alice, lights out!

Nothing feels peaceful now

 Lights out Alice!

Chaos reigns supreme even though life is not as bad it got a few weeks back. I can't really put my finger on what is the thing that is causing me distress but I just don't feel centered. I feel anxious. I feel ill at ease. Maybe that's the way it is supposed to be and what I felt till date was the safety and security net of parents and home. But here I am today at my sister's place and I don't feel at ease enough. I don't feel that same sense of security and warmth. Something that Mickey (younger brother) would have felt when he came over to visit me in Mumbai. I was distant and subsumed in my work which is exactly the state my sister is in right now. New to the consulting field, she feels like she has a lot to prove to cement her place in the company. Little does she realize that it is a endless goal and one that should not be pursued since it comes at the cost of self care and mental health. The need to be always active, always kicking and always "working" on something or talking to someone doesn't work for me. I will not go on and claim that it is bad for everyone, because that would be presumptuous, especially given the lack of data I have on this front. I can, but only know what has happened to me or how I felt when it happened to me.

I really hope that she finds her place soon and that she can get back to a safe position where she is able to be happy with the state she is in, both mentally and societally. I really hope that in midst of trying to cement her place in the world, she does not forget that she needs to put herself first and also think about all the people around her and the price she is paying for chasing a high growth career. Adulations and promotions are pretty swanky, at least for the people that care about it, but they come at a cost. I am not claiming the price that one has to pay is better or worse than another but I am claiming that one needs to realize the TRUE price one has to pay to stand strong in these careers.

Alice, the question I keep asking myself is whether I am interested in chasing such a career. Whether I can sustainably live with myself for the price I will have to pay. The price of neglecting my parents, the people who made me who I am today. Is it right that they got me to this point, only for me to abandon them and claim that "I am busy with work" and not even take half an hour a day to talk to them about how their day went. A few weeks back I had reached that state and when the realisation hit me after I heard my mom break down into tears, it freaking hurt. It still hurts actually and reminded me of this conundrum of whether the price is right. Why is society designed in such a way that we have to all but abandon the people that made us in the time they need us the most? Why are so many people lonely even with family and friends.

Well, we will have to wait and see Alice if I end up doing exactly what the world does to their parents, abandoned and ignored or I choose a better answer. I really hope I can find one or else I should tell my future self that none of the successes or failures would be worth it if I failed to take care of my primary responsibility!

Lights out Alice!

The first to go

 Lights out Alice!

Time is there for wasting. Work fills the time that you have. It gets worse if you are a procrastinator as regardless of the time you get, you will always be struggling at the eleventh hour to get the task done. The biggest victim of this self decimating phenomenon is your discipline. Your good habits are the first thing that come across the chopping block when you are a habitual procrastinator. This squarely applies to me and this thought came to me as I am sitting in the morning around 6, contemplating my idiotic decision set that led me to a place where even though I had one full day of holiday, I still could not finish the syllabus for today's exam and hence have to weigh between going for a bit of exercise or staying back and finishing the pending chapter. Obviously, my mind is telling me to stay back but in reality there is no better refresh or reset button other than exercising. A body and soul cleanser like no other, it is one of the few things that actually centers me and calms me down from my usual anxious state. The state in which I am constantly running from something, running towards something, pretending to be someone I am not and don't really know where I belong.

You know what is really funny, Alice? I have been in this anxious state of mind for so long, I actually prefer it this way and feel that this is the best way to stimulate better thoughts or prepare better for a task. Which is sad since it implies that I will always be running and will never feel at ease when sitting down or taking a break. Or I could turn it around, learn to walk when I am tired of running, learn to jog when I cannot run, learn to start when I just had to stop.

Lights out Alice!

The morning after an impulse purchase

 Lights out Alice!

Well, mornings after a rash decision are never great. Generally, whenever somebody actually takes stock of their morning, it means that their day has already gone to the pooper. It is a similar case on my end because the enormity of my impulse purchase is not dawning upon me. I am understanding that I blew 3 months of my allowance on one impulsive transaction and I have no clue where I will find the money to survive for the next few months. Although it is not as dire as described in the last line, the realisation that I have ZERO self control is a far more serious and concerning proposition. I am scared that I have zero control over the decisions I take and that they can be manipulated by external people, a bit of emotion and most easily by my irrational, impulsive and childish brain.

I mostly hate the fact that I spent a lot of money on myself. My parents are under the impression that I rarely spend on myself but all I see is the fact that I blow money left right and centre. Just in May I bought a wired headphone of Audio Technica that I had been eyeing for a while. My mistake in that was that I bought a wired one, which is very inconvenient in this day and age of wireless tech. Next I spend close to 5k on go-karting, something I couldn't afford to do so. Here in Gurgaon, one fine week I felt the urge to improve my basketball game so what did I do. Obviously I went ahead and bought the basketball and played with it only once. The problem comes back to the fact that the lifestyle choices that I make are either 0 or 1, 0 being very meagre expenditures and 1 being beyond my budget.  Further, when I really want something, especially something that is not currently available to me, I go into a trance like fish eyed mode wherein all I see is the upside of having the thing I am missing but fail to consider the fact that I might not have wanted it in the first place or that it would be a one time thing that I would not care about after I have experienced it once. Further, the key to any commitment, be it buy stuff for sports or clothes or anything for that matter is the evaluation within oneself of the tradeoffs that comes with it. Am I ready to sweat it out if I have bought the bicycle? Do I have the time to regularly practice if I have bought a basketball? Do I have time to read the 50000 books I have bought on every subject that remotely interested me for a few days and then I dropped it and moved on to the next like a hot potato. Yup, it does point towards a commitment issue paired with long term forgetfullness

What an idiot sirji!

Hopefully I can work on moderating this in the long term Alice as this can easily lead into becoming my biggest reason for failing to become anything in life.

Lights out Alice!

Well shit!

 Lights out Alice!

I have done it again. I have gone and impulse shopped again. But as far as I think, I have a pattern of impulse shopping and it is not just a random thing. Before I dive into multiple unfounded tangents, I just want to clarify what I purchased impulsively and then go on to defend why it was not an impulse purchase and more of a deep desire and then end with arguments in favour of it being an impulse purchase.  I just bought a bicycle today. Yes, it is expensive and no, it is not the same as buying expensive biscuits for no reason. It was around two months of my expenses budget at a time when I have already blown my expense budget for the next month. This is pretty bad. I have very little control over things I want. If I cannot learn to live within my means, I am headed towards a very bad place when MBA as budgets would be even tighter. Imagine deciding to quit a cushy job and working towards my own venture when I have the self control of a toddler or even worse. Add to that my inability to walk away from somebody requesting me for my help in cash or kind. Obviously, my reaction to this is fairly established and something I will not repeat here but safe to say it is not healthy but more along the lines of self harm.

Now, for the part of explaining the pattern behind impulse purchases. First, I want something but I resist buying it. Next, I let it simmer in my mind and instead of taking a decision on it, falsely claim that I could do without it. I don't completely eliminate it from my head but let it bubble bubble, till there is toil and trouble. I imagine the different scenarios in my head, with a bias towards the positive over the important negatives. If there aren't enough good things, no problem, my highly imaginative brain will create imagined scenarios that will falsely paint a very happy picture even though that is unlikely to happen. Now that the scene is set in my brain, I will just look for the next opportunity or excuse to go and impulse purchase the item that had been stewing. Since the idea had been stewing for a while, I don't need to check with the retailer as to what I want but just go and ask for what I want. This means that for an outsider, it looks a lot like impulse purchase. To be fair, it probably is. But it is not impulsive in the literal sense as the plan gets implemented over a longer period of time. Yes, excuses galore.

I really hope I grow out of this bad habit as this is an unhealthy lifestyle that I cannot afford to perpetuate. This cannot go on. I need to work on myself to work towards that will make a difference, things that will help others and not go on an put on a lavish lifestyle that is definitely beyond my means. Why am I such a fool Alice!

P.S: I really miss my parents as well as my sister. The feeling of being lost and never belonging has not gone away (I am not sure I want it to) but I am slacking off big time and hope I can get to some level of discipline and consistent effort in study soon.

Lights out Alice!

Just wanted to write I guess

 Lights out Alice!

I am not sure what I wanted to write today, but I wanted to come to this page and pen my thoughts, however scarce and scattered they might be today. Something that Tavish mentioned when we were having tea that struck me. He mentioned that sitting down together and having tea that was freshly prepared by me in an induction cooker in hostel was a slice of Kolkata where people would have tea as part of their morning ritual before the rustle and bustle of daily life began. It especially struck me because that is something that I sub consciously try doing. I try anchoring myself and my mind by bringing back habits that remind me of home. Habits that made up my day and centered me. This helps me cope with my crippling anxiety and destresses me. As usual, it is just another way of making myself at ease regardless of the location I am in.

Needless to say, I do miss my parents. I lament the fact that my elder sister is leading such a busy life of a consultant that she has no time in her life to stand and stare at the bountiful and endless possibilities every day has to offer. She has no time to stand and stare. What I regret even more is the fact that slowly and slowly my life is also headed in that path and I am struggling to carve out time to center myself so that I do not build up stress in my head. But then the counter view point is that I am imagining situations and cases that hasn't happened yet and am suffering in an imagined reality. Why should I worry about something that hasn't happened yet, especially because there is very little chance that it will happen the way we planned it. 

Anyhoo, toodloo, gotta go Alice. Hope to catch up with you soon. Lights out!

Reminders or Reassurances?

 Lights out Alice!

Internet or more specifically google, twitter, FB, Insta and Whatsapp do really know everything about you. My twitter feed just fed me some motivational reminder shizz that was extremely helpful and utterly annoying. I don't really know if I feel that my privacy has been invaded or that I stumbled onto the things I really wanted to find today. I don't really believe in the latter and consider the former more likely. 

The quote(s) that inspired this short post:

"Stop telling people your plans, grow in private" - @Mind_Essentials

When you work in private, you let nobody else take control over your actions. No unnecessary motivation or detraction from anybody else. The more you keep to yourself, the more you focus on growth and the less you focus on distractions or false praise.

I know these things Alice, yet I am a blabbermouth. Once I start opening up, I spill my guts. I don't have a fine balance in me and that is something I need to work on.

Toodles Alice!

The need for control

 Lights out Alice!

This will be a short one and hopefully I complete my point. I am a control freak. I HAVE to plan, not for execution, but to reduce my anxiety because after I make the plan the procrastinating side of me takes over and ensures that I never make the deadlines I set for myself. Ever. But as always, that isn't the point of the conversation today.

For weeks now I have been pretty uncomfortable with Hostel life for reasons documented in previous posts as well as for the simple fact that Tea was unavailable to me when I wanted it and had to travel all the way to Sharmaji canteen at a specific time hoping for the more lenient Sharmaji, the older boss man to be present at the counter who would then make a sugar-free tea for me. This generally took away all sense of control and I had to mould my schedule around it to get tea and ensure my day went about the way I wanted it to. Not to say that this exercise made me less efficient as in reality it made me more efficient and structured, but it took away control from me and the ability to have tea on a whim as well as being able to control the strength of the tea. Why Tea? Tea is fairly important as I am a tea addict but moreover it is an easy thing to prepare and hence something I can go into making without committing too much time to cooking. Especially given the fact that the washbasins are only available in the bathroom (ahhh!)

Coming back to the point again, I brought an induction cooker yesterday and made the first cup of tea in my own room (if I can even say that given that there are two other people in it). Tea sucked, the ratio of tea leaves was too strong, milk was not the great kind and it all turned out a bit meh. But somehow, it was satisfying. Post tea, I sat down to think why this would be the case. Why such a mediocre to borderline meh cup of tea be so liberating? Is it because it gave me a sense of achievement or because of a sense of control? I don't know why but suddenly I feel better about the otherwise crappy living situation that I am in. I feel like there is something that reminds me of a happier time or a time in which I could be in-charge of what took place around me.

Needless to point out, it has only been half an hour since the aforementioned tea incident and hence I haven't fully dissected my emotions but if the urgency to write a blog is any indicator, I would say that this is notable enough to warrant further observation and diagnosis.

I probably won't get better at writing succinctly or consistently, but here's to hope Alice. Lights out!