Most days I struggle with the overwhelming thoughts and tangents that cross my mind at any given moment. I am mostly anxious, always worried that I am not doing enough, that I am getting complacent (which is true), that I am slipping and sooner rather than later, I will lose it all. I have a lot of good people around me to be grateful for. But I have also lost a lot of people when it comes to personal relationships.
My mistake has always been to equate my worth in any relationship with the amount of effort I am putting in or the things I do for them. Inherently, I do not feel like I have any worth. Even with family members I struggle to just exist and not do anything. This leads to simmering frustration and resentment in familial relationships, which I am working on to fix through deliberate and hard talks with myself.
What's worse is that it leads to being used and discarded like plastic in friendships and partnerships. I am not sure if they do it deliberately, but this appeasement and easy availability leads to being taken for granted, leads to being played like a fiddle.
I will also call out my own bullshit for pretending to be the victim. It is not like people pleasers (including me) do not understand when they are being used. It is just that they have not had enough good instances of healthy relationships and boundary definition to give themselves the permission to draw a line before it is too late.
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