What am I so afraid of?

Lights out Alice!

What am I so afraid of?

Why have people pointed out that I cannot communicate properly? Was it that I didn't convey my emotions or that I did not meet their expectations? Is there anyway to ever segregate and attribute the same? Is there any way to know how much we say is from our past and how much we are extrapolating our imagined fears?

Yes, obviously I am a bit rigid in my ways. I never claimed I was perfect. I never claimed my way was the right one. I am always open to growth and I am trying my best.

Shouldn't this be enough? Shouldn't wanting to make myself better for another person be enough for them? Maybe this is where logic stops and heart takes over. Maybe they are looking for that extra spark that cannot be quantified. That instant click that lets you know that whatever that person is or embodies, is good enough. I had that for the other person I guess. But the other person did not have the same look in her eyes for me. Every time I used to stare at her, all I felt was pure joy and every time she looked at me, all she felt is what she might have to "settle" for. Maybe I shouldn't force this because this will end badly as the other person will always be unhappy. If it ain't there, it just ain't, no point living in denial. But damn yo, why is my heart so overpowering and my emotions so dominant that it can overrule my head and drag me back to her. I don't want to let go, even though I know I have to and every time I get even a small morsel of opportunity, I grab it with both hands and try too hard. Maybe she is right...I try to hard. I am clinging too tight and it is exactly what is causing her to push me further away. This is where I am falling short and where I need to grow. I need to be able to let go better.

Coming back to the headline topic, I wanted to ask myself, why I was so afraid of growth? Of putting in the time? Of doing the grind? It has paid off exponentially well in the past for me and where ever I may be standing today has just been a result of the excellent support I have and the grind. Hence, this is me reminding myself to never let go of this habit of working on myself, every day, without fail, even if it is for a little while. Mind mapping everything I do in a day is the level I am striving for. I might not get there, but I do hope that I will give it a good old try.

Thank you Alice! I will be forever grateful for having you to listen to me, because all the world has ever done is listen to reply and never understand. I think even I have made that mistake time and again...need to get better on this front as well!