Lost and a bit worried about my behaviour

Lights out Alice!

2 years of MBA is coming to an end, and as usual, amid the sea of weepy feelings of it all coming to an end, my body has decided to turn off all feelings on this front. I don't feel anything. I would be okay with this but for the inside information that I have about myself that I will start feeling everything a week after the moment has passed. My body will also ensure that it aligns the release of the wave of emotions exactly when I have a long and otherwise boring day in which I have the time and the silence to let my thoughts run wild.

I want to clarify something to you Alice, since I think all I did was mess it up with the other person, that I did not have any malice, never wanted to deceive and not be condescending or disrespectful of other people and their work. But I still did slip up and used poorly framed sentences and words which ended up belittling the effort put in by others.

That was pretty shitty of me. How have I become this egotistical and self-centered of a person who belittles others? Just because I put in some amount of effort and others have other priorities and constraints, why do I consider myself elite and better than them? HOW THE HELL DID I BECOME THIS SHALLOW?

Thank you to the other person for teaching me so much in life, about life and how to become a better person. Sorry that you could not be in my life forever and it would have been a real honour to share the rest of my life with you.

I am also a bit worried because I feel like I have lost that direction and purpose that I had previously had and I will just end up wasting the next few months sulking and brooding over the past. I will end up back into old bad habit of taking up too many things at once, too many directions and tangents and then end up getting nowhere in any particular area. I don't want to lose the grit and determination but I feel like if I am talking about it, I already have lost it. I don't want to lose that motivation, the fire to keep pushing and improving, but the habit of patiently sitting and patiently reading complex subjects has already been eroded and I don't know If I will ever be able to build it back again.

I am scared that I will never achieve anything in life, never be more than just a bullshitter, a judgemental egotistical fool who criticises other peoples' work but has actually never stuck his neck out and gotten anywhere.

Closing note:

A few critical errors that the other person pointed out and I need to work on:

1. I am quick to judge. I belittle people. I look down on other people's effort and consider my work vastly superior even though it is not always the case. (This is bad...I really need to work on it)

2. I don't work well in a team. I think everyone else's work is shit and hence would rather do it better on my own. This means that I would never be able to work in a silo or built upon another person's work, which is the reality of corporate world and teamwork.

3. I treated her like a prize that I could achieve at the end of the evaluation period, which was objectifying that person and JUST WRONG!

4. I exaggerated too much. I have the bad habit of claiming to know more than I actually know by speaking in a very confident manner to pass on BS as facts. This is a very bad trait and definitely needs to change otherwise I will just end up being a pro pffaffer. 

5. I am pretty sly with my words and just answer anything in the moment. I lie a lot, which when combined with the bad habit of not admitting my mistake at the outset and trying to justify my way out, means that I manipulate and deceit. Again, CRITICAL ERROR level.

Lights out Alice!