What a shitty thing to do...

Lights out Alice!

Once again, I find myself having pulled my typical shit of walking away when getting critical and exactly true feedback on my quirks and shortcomings. To top it off, I came back and dozed off and did not inform the other person, who got worried sick about my non-response and was calling incessantly. The second part pisses me off as I played with the emotion of another person, something I vowed I would never do. Yet, I do not know why I keep causing hurt to the other person. I should stop existing in their lives altogether, something that I have been trying to institute but failed to do so till now. Yesterday night's mistake was entirely my fault and currently I should be the one that goes and tells a sorry, but I think this bad spot is a good point to end things.

I am a person who is:

• Inconsiderate
• Exaggerates
• Not a team player
• Cannot take criticism well, or at all
• Walks away from difficult situations, not a man enough
• Judges people way too quick
• Too self centered and egotistical
• Thinks the worlds revolves around him too much (narcissistic)
• Requires too much reassurance and validation
• Is an attention seeker
• Is too rigid in his approach and not flexible

The list is definitely true and these are my shortcomings. I don't know what the other person expects me to do about them. I will work on them and try to improve but I am not sure why my body language should be positive when listening about these. These are things that take time to improve and hence I know it will be a long road ahead...but I don't get why I need to compromise on my value systems and ethics to do all this? Why do I need to stop pushing to improve myself everyday for this? Should I not want to be better? Shouldn't I always strive for more? To never be happy with my work and always see room for improvement? Why is that hunger looked down upon? Yes, I need to be a better team player and this self-centered behaviour is bad, definitely...but are these issues that bad?

Am I that bad a human that every time it comes down to the fact that I am too rigid with my lifestyle and too set in my ways to listen to others?

Lost and a bit worried about my behaviour

Lights out Alice!

2 years of MBA is coming to an end, and as usual, amid the sea of weepy feelings of it all coming to an end, my body has decided to turn off all feelings on this front. I don't feel anything. I would be okay with this but for the inside information that I have about myself that I will start feeling everything a week after the moment has passed. My body will also ensure that it aligns the release of the wave of emotions exactly when I have a long and otherwise boring day in which I have the time and the silence to let my thoughts run wild.

I want to clarify something to you Alice, since I think all I did was mess it up with the other person, that I did not have any malice, never wanted to deceive and not be condescending or disrespectful of other people and their work. But I still did slip up and used poorly framed sentences and words which ended up belittling the effort put in by others.

That was pretty shitty of me. How have I become this egotistical and self-centered of a person who belittles others? Just because I put in some amount of effort and others have other priorities and constraints, why do I consider myself elite and better than them? HOW THE HELL DID I BECOME THIS SHALLOW?

Thank you to the other person for teaching me so much in life, about life and how to become a better person. Sorry that you could not be in my life forever and it would have been a real honour to share the rest of my life with you.

I am also a bit worried because I feel like I have lost that direction and purpose that I had previously had and I will just end up wasting the next few months sulking and brooding over the past. I will end up back into old bad habit of taking up too many things at once, too many directions and tangents and then end up getting nowhere in any particular area. I don't want to lose the grit and determination but I feel like if I am talking about it, I already have lost it. I don't want to lose that motivation, the fire to keep pushing and improving, but the habit of patiently sitting and patiently reading complex subjects has already been eroded and I don't know If I will ever be able to build it back again.

I am scared that I will never achieve anything in life, never be more than just a bullshitter, a judgemental egotistical fool who criticises other peoples' work but has actually never stuck his neck out and gotten anywhere.

Closing note:

A few critical errors that the other person pointed out and I need to work on:

1. I am quick to judge. I belittle people. I look down on other people's effort and consider my work vastly superior even though it is not always the case. (This is bad...I really need to work on it)

2. I don't work well in a team. I think everyone else's work is shit and hence would rather do it better on my own. This means that I would never be able to work in a silo or built upon another person's work, which is the reality of corporate world and teamwork.

3. I treated her like a prize that I could achieve at the end of the evaluation period, which was objectifying that person and JUST WRONG!

4. I exaggerated too much. I have the bad habit of claiming to know more than I actually know by speaking in a very confident manner to pass on BS as facts. This is a very bad trait and definitely needs to change otherwise I will just end up being a pro pffaffer. 

5. I am pretty sly with my words and just answer anything in the moment. I lie a lot, which when combined with the bad habit of not admitting my mistake at the outset and trying to justify my way out, means that I manipulate and deceit. Again, CRITICAL ERROR level.

Lights out Alice!

I need to work my butt off...

Lights out Alice!

December came and it took away a big high point in my life...data analytics course taught by ISI professors. Even the last month of the course had become too tedious given my schedule and I was not able to follow the lectures. Maths has a very bad and peculiar nature that if you lose out on any class in between, you are never really able to catch up unless you put extraordinary effort, which I obviously did not.

Post that, I have spent the last two months chasing something that, although very important to me on a personal life front, was not adding to my knowledge and today I feel like I am slipping. I am not working hard enough. I am not pushing hard enough. I am not improving myself daily. I have become sloppy.

How can I do this to myself? What about those big dreams? Are they going to execute themselves? Why am I focusing on the irrelevant? Why am I talking about pointless gossip and people when I should be putting all my time and energy on ideas and solving problems?

I hope I come back to this video and remind myself of the importance of the grind/ being obsessed with improvement and being bat shit crazy:

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KmsNRHVudk

I can't stop pushing. I don't have the natural talent that most others do. I need to put in the work. Why does the society shun this or people around me involuntarily end up pulling me away from this. There is so much out there that I don't know and there are no guarantees that anything would ever work out, so why should I give up trying? Why should I stop pushing? Furthermore, there is zero guarantees of the opportunities that I have today would be present tomorrow as well. Why not push like crazy when I am able to?

Blue bloods back with the inspirational quote

Lights out Alice!

S13, E8: 35:56

Anthony: " I don't let anybody in. Nobody. So when I do, it is a big deal. I am an all or nothing guy. And sometimes all of me is too much for people...I could have gone about this a whole lot better."

Erin: "I suck at some things, you suck at others, but for the most part, together, we don't suck."

What the hell am I?

Lights out Alice!

What the hell am I? A use and throw? A safe back-up? I don't have emotions or what? Isn't this double timing when I am being juggled and shown concern for but in the end there is also another party that is always given precedence. 

What, just because I am fully putting myself on the line, swallowing my pride and helping out with some matters, does that mean I don't feel? That it wasn't real from my end and it would be that easy to come and talk on a "just friends" front? I don't give a shit truly...if you don't care enough, I am done. Why should I lose my time and mental bandwidth over it?

Yet, I would actually choose to vent my frustration and anger over here than to her because I care! I bloody care about her happiness too much. To the point that I still come running even though it hurts. I know it does mess with me and this needs to be nipped at the bud, but yeah...I keep letting it happen.

To this I also get told that I have been given "1 month's time"...ya right, all I got was the fact that I am just testing and helping you...not one day it was at a equal level.

I think this is the single most important thing I need to take away from this "experience", that I, as a person, will not be able to sustain in a relationship that is one-sided and wherein I am putting in all the effort. Sadly, this is a problem because this need for constant reassurance is a toxic trait that can make the other person in the relationship feel suffocated. I need to work on this. To detach to a point and level wherein I should not be so "needy".

Key words thrown at me: Needy | Clingy | Weird | Stubborn | Is not normal | Panauti

Social media algorithms have the best timings. I just saw an post by Scribbled stories regarding closure and broken hearts that inspired the following: 

"I miss you, but don't ever come back.

I have made my peace with it. I know now, our story is over. We don't need a sequel.

I will forever cherish the good times that we celebrated together. I will always remember and miss that smile, that bachkani face, those heated discussions, the times when you came to say sorry and you showed unwarranted affection. There were moments when it never felt one sided, moments when I saw that you are trying your best to reciprocate what I feel. Maybe you had to force yourself. Maybe you saw that you weren't happy enough. Whatever it is, I, this, us, wasn't enough.

I will forever miss you and I always did love you, but I can't live with not being loved back. So I have to let you go. I will forever be your well wisher and pray that you reach all the heights that you aspire to. I wish you find someone that loves you to the level that I did, but moreover, you love him back to the same level.

Good luck and Goodbye!"

Sad day Alice, but we keep marching on!

Why would I ever let anyone in?

Lights out Alice!

Knowledge is a funny thing. Ignorance is supposed to be the negative side of things but according to me, in this world of information overload, the ability to selectively seek information while actively being ignorant in other fronts is a boon.

I was just reading an article on the benefits of having bariatric surgery in Diabetic patients that do not have diabetes under control even after insulin injection. Immediately after this, my first thought was why the hell would I ever let anyone in my life when there is a high chance I can encounter a debilitating injury or disease that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. Why would I ever want anyone else to go through the pain that I relegated to go through. 

Isn't the fact that when you love someone you would never want them to go through any pain? Or is it that you try to shield them from anything that life will throw at them? Sadly, it is a failing venture as life continues to happen regardless of our wants. Ups and downs, bad and good times, of varying intensity and duration keep happening.

Next question is whether this need to stay alone and not let anyone take care of me is born out of my coping mechanism? Is this me trying to show that needing anyone would result in disappointment and disapproval and that person would leave me and hence I should never put my wants first and be sub-servient in my approach forever? Why is this constant need for approval? Why should I believe I am not worthy? Why the self-doubt? Why the self-hatred?

Now that its over...

Lights out Alice!

Its over! Although according to her it had never really begun, or the fact that even for me the writing was on the wall for over a week now, it is now officially over. Some remnants do linger on, but by and large it is over.

No, it is not what you would think Alice. It was still one of the better things to happen to me. I gave it my best shot and although I couldn't win her over and she never saw me the way I saw her, I still swoon over her, love her eyes and fall blindly whenever I see her in front of me. It is a good thing thankfully, that we will be parting ways in less than 10 days' time as I could not stand to see her in any kind of pain or hurt in front of me. I would run back and try to make it better, which would actually cause the exact opposite and just cause a world of hurt, for both her and for me, and as far as I am concerned, it was getting pretty painful. 

Now that its over, I want to list down some points that blew me over about her so that I can come back and check with myself over time if these points were really the case or was I so head over heels that I was just blinded and could only see through rose tinted glasses.

1. That smile...oh that face and that smile. Shit...whenever I visualize that face, damn I just fall all over again.

2. Those childlike actions, an unique blend of maturity and childish behaviour. She is considerate, yet stubborn, careful yet playful and oh...the best human being you could ever meet if she ever shows you her inner true side. Sadly, something that really pains me is the fact that she has been through a world of hurt previously which means that she keeps up a lot of walls. I know it is hypocritical of me to talk about people having walls, but for me, that true version of her was the most beautiful and happy thing I could ever set my eyes upon.

3. Never fails to care for others. Sadly, this is also her kryptonite. But damn, I did not know or think that such a kind soul could exist, one who goes to such lengths that they are ready to cause pain to themselves, if it can help another person. 

What am I so afraid of?

Lights out Alice!

What am I so afraid of?

Why have people pointed out that I cannot communicate properly? Was it that I didn't convey my emotions or that I did not meet their expectations? Is there anyway to ever segregate and attribute the same? Is there any way to know how much we say is from our past and how much we are extrapolating our imagined fears?

Yes, obviously I am a bit rigid in my ways. I never claimed I was perfect. I never claimed my way was the right one. I am always open to growth and I am trying my best.

Shouldn't this be enough? Shouldn't wanting to make myself better for another person be enough for them? Maybe this is where logic stops and heart takes over. Maybe they are looking for that extra spark that cannot be quantified. That instant click that lets you know that whatever that person is or embodies, is good enough. I had that for the other person I guess. But the other person did not have the same look in her eyes for me. Every time I used to stare at her, all I felt was pure joy and every time she looked at me, all she felt is what she might have to "settle" for. Maybe I shouldn't force this because this will end badly as the other person will always be unhappy. If it ain't there, it just ain't, no point living in denial. But damn yo, why is my heart so overpowering and my emotions so dominant that it can overrule my head and drag me back to her. I don't want to let go, even though I know I have to and every time I get even a small morsel of opportunity, I grab it with both hands and try too hard. Maybe she is right...I try to hard. I am clinging too tight and it is exactly what is causing her to push me further away. This is where I am falling short and where I need to grow. I need to be able to let go better.

Coming back to the headline topic, I wanted to ask myself, why I was so afraid of growth? Of putting in the time? Of doing the grind? It has paid off exponentially well in the past for me and where ever I may be standing today has just been a result of the excellent support I have and the grind. Hence, this is me reminding myself to never let go of this habit of working on myself, every day, without fail, even if it is for a little while. Mind mapping everything I do in a day is the level I am striving for. I might not get there, but I do hope that I will give it a good old try.

Thank you Alice! I will be forever grateful for having you to listen to me, because all the world has ever done is listen to reply and never understand. I think even I have made that mistake time and again...need to get better on this front as well!

Musings, Heartbreak and Blue Bloods

 Alice, Blue Bloods is it!

Damn, I sorely missed being casually inspired by the principles and morals that Blue Bloods infuses in the viewers. It makes me want to be better, to push myself to be a better human being, to forget the distractions and things that do not matter and work on myself to get better, every single day and every waking moment. 

I hate the fact that I have gotten so caught up in the frivolous, bickering and frustrated nature of campus life where everything is about people and their fake nature. I used to never give a damn about these stupid things but because of what I now find myself caught in, I have had to listen to these things and slowly but surely get myself entangled in them. Obviously, I would do it in a heartbeat for the person I was chasing, but as reality catches up, I did look up and saw that I was just chasing something that wanted nothing to do with me in the first place. She does not see me the way I see her, or even 10% of that. Maybe because of her past, maybe it is because we are actually not compatible and it is just one sided from my end or maybe it is something else entirely that I have no understand or comprehension of. Whatever it maybe, one thing is there that I did fall for her and no I have to bleed while close this chapter. The usual pain of withdrawal is kicking in. I want to text, I want to call and I want to run back to her. But I can't. I can't because I can no longer bear to go through another round of pain, to look into her eyes and fall back in love immediately and then see it get thrown aside and disregarded like a piece of rag. I can't do this to my heart anymore. Although I am pretty sure I am not faring any better in this lonesome existence, but I have to believe this is better than forcing someone to believe a lie. It's over and I need to accept it. Also, I need to prevent myself from falling for her again, which, given I was just going over her pictures not even five minutes back, is going to be pretty difficult. But we will get through it.

Coming back to Blue Bloods, I was watching the first episode of the thirteenth season and there is a exchange between Commissioner Frank Regan and Archbishop Kevin Kearns and this really inspired me:

"You bring the Rosary, I will bring the gun"

I keep thinking about why Blue Bloods inspires me and I fail to come up with a single instance that stands out as inspirational. That's what beautiful about Blue Bloods. It has class, virtues, morality ingrained in every scene and just within the narrative and ad-hoc it never shouts anything but overall it inspires a personal change. The above quote is a good example of the same. The dialogue, out of context, wouldn't really mean much to anybody, let alone inspire them, but in that scene, with context, it was a get up and sign up for anything that the person asks you to do kinda moment.

Been a while since I wrote to you Alice. Sorry for breaking the habit and I hope I will come back to you soon because you have been an excellent shelter for my thoughts and solace for my weathered mind.