Lights out Alice!
I am back to Kol home base for a few days during the term end break. Although, there is a lot on my plate with competitions as well as homework and live project work dangling around my neck, I must say that the sweet (to be fair, salty) sweat that is dripping around my temple is a refreshing feeling. Being back in the sultry weather of Kolkata is rejuvenating and the fact that I am around my parents has really helped me feel whole again. This on the back of an equally awesome trip down to my sister's place where she had the time to actually be in the present and enjoy the moment instead of worrying every moment about the future. Oh, it is sad how engrossed we get with our office work and forget to live in the moment. Life is but fleeting and all we are worried about is how we can secure our future when all that we ever do when that future comes around is worry about the next future/ epoch. We actually never take the time to live in the moment. To stand and stare at the beauty around us. To stand and acknowledge with gratefulness all that we have received in life. To thank heavens for helping us survive in this world till that moment relatively unscathed. I know I am lucky and blessed for having such doting parents and sister (basically another parent), to people that accept me for who I am and to the master above for giving me the gumption to come this far while making the journey easy along the way.
The peace that comfort of home brings is something that I never thought would affect me that much. It is just the quietness of everything around me right now that is helping ease the anxiety of everything else around me. Suddenly, I feel that everything will be alright. That somehow, I will make it as long as I have the three most important people around me and they are happy. It is sad that I am being that emotionally attached, which almost always ends poorly, but that is just who I am and the way I am wired and hence it would be foolish for me to think otherwise. I will choose to enjoy this moment of peace and calm, something that has been NON-EXISTENT in the past three months of college life, and I will choose to be happy about it. I will not focus on the fleetingness of the moment, but focus on the beauty in that particular snapshot. Damn, I never thought I suffered that severely from anxiety around people but given the state of calm I currently am in, here sitting on my chair at home versus the state I was in my hostel room, there is an entire light year gap between them.
If I have come to understand the issue, next step rightfully would be to work towards a solution for the same. However, I don't know if I actually want to work towards a solution or try and get around the problem because I am far too attached to my old school way of functioning. I am far to attached to not giving two cents to things that are irrelevant and just pure gossip. I don't want to get sucked into mundane talks and want to keep focusing on working everyday to get better, to challenge myself and learn to recognize my nuances better and be grateful for everyday.
To my future self, I know it will be hard again once you are back in hostel, but I hope you learn to work around it and remember what you are here for and why you want to push everyday.
Don't forget:
- You have to get somewhere that is a place that makes a difference; to you, to other people's lives
- You NEED TO STOP GETTING COMPLACENT
- You need to PUSH yourself everyday
- Remember your end goals, don't let stupid things distract you
- Always be grateful for the important people you have in life currently, they will not be there forever
- IMPORTANT People FIRST, ALWAYS; Work can wait
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