The Key Ingredients

Lights out Alice!

What are the key ingredients that help keep my anxiety at bay? It honestly starts with a place where I am left alone to my senses to decompress, to unwind, to do whatever I like without fear of judgement, retribution or the need to be maximizing the use of my time. Although I would argue against myself on the last one to say it is all in my head and this inability to let go and take a break in front of a crowd is a problem that is created by my misplaced and incorrectly assuming cognition. People all around me freely go about their routines, unaffected by whosoever maybe be sharing the same space that they are treading on. I, on the other hand, get immediately baffled, perturbed and thrown off balance when there are people around me, especially when I am looking to get stuff done on a personal level. I can't have anyone watching because I become conscious and probably fare poorer as compared to when I think I am alone and the battle is against my own mind (although technically the former is also another version of a mental hiccup as well). I have even seen that I am unable to think at all or to the level I know I can when I am alone. 

P.S: I just remembered and had to write it down, Arpit got pre-engaged(roka) today! Congratulations brother and although because of my academic commitments we are no longer in the same city and I cannot wish you in person, I am one of your biggest well-wishers and want to wish you all the very best in life, especially given what a torrid (actually no words could ever come close to describing the pain you must have felt) time you went through in April of 2021 when you lost your mom. I still remember that day and still remember you being a person of steel nerves, hiding your true emotions. I know we were never that level of close wherein you would be openly vulnerable and express your emotions to me and I regret that we could never become that kind of friends. I think that was totally on me and my off-handed and arm's distance attitude but I hope our trio of Arpit, DC and I can sustain in some form over time. These two were somewhat important to me, especially during B.Tech days and in whatever manner I can, I hope to be a part of their lives, even in the future. Once again, Arpit, if there was any measure to show how much respect I have for your gumption and grit, it would be on the very top end of the scale. I stand in awe and sheer respect of who you are as a person and how you conduct yourself and hope to learn more lessons from you over time.

If I ever get to it (I probably won't)

 1. What contributes to the brand, individual sub brands or the umbrella brand: Tata Salt is "desh ka namak" standing for trust or the trust in Tata salt comes from Tata branding?

2. For brands with various sub brands in different category, can there be an unifying brand communication and what will it communicate? What are the options on the table for it to communicate?

3. For virtual world, are you targetting specific TG and ignoring the rest or are you plotting a consumer journey, figuring out how all kinds of people turn up on your website and then customize the website experience for each and everyone?

4. Filterbubble: How much of any answer given to us on the internet is the outcome of our past search history thereby colouring our views (is it nudging us towards a polar stance?)

Back at base

 Lights out Alice!

I am back to Kol home base for a few days during the term end break. Although, there is a lot on my plate with competitions as well as homework and live project work dangling around my neck, I must say that the sweet (to be fair, salty) sweat that is dripping around my temple is a refreshing feeling. Being back in the sultry weather of Kolkata is rejuvenating and the fact that I am around my parents has really helped me feel whole again. This on the back of an equally awesome trip down to my sister's place where she had the time to actually be in the present and enjoy the moment instead of worrying every moment about the future. Oh, it is sad how engrossed we get with our office work and forget to live in the moment. Life is but fleeting and all we are worried about is how we can secure our future when all that we ever do when that future comes around is worry about the next future/ epoch. We actually never take the time to live in the moment. To stand and stare at the beauty around us. To stand and acknowledge with gratefulness all that we have received in life. To thank heavens for helping us survive in this world till that moment relatively unscathed. I know I am lucky and blessed for having such doting parents and sister (basically another parent), to people that accept me for who I am and to the master above for giving me the gumption to come this far while making the journey easy along the way.  

The peace that comfort of home brings is something that I never thought would affect me that much. It is just the quietness of everything around me right now that is helping ease the anxiety of everything else around me. Suddenly, I feel that everything will be alright. That somehow, I will make it as long as I have the three most important people around me and they are happy. It is sad that I am being that emotionally attached, which almost always ends poorly, but that is just who I am and the way I am wired and hence it would be foolish for me to think otherwise. I will choose to enjoy this moment of peace and calm, something that has been NON-EXISTENT in the past three months of college life, and I will choose to be happy about it. I will not focus on the fleetingness of the moment, but focus on the beauty in that particular snapshot. Damn, I never thought I suffered that severely from anxiety around people but given the state of calm I currently am in, here sitting on my chair at home versus the state I was in my hostel room, there is an entire light year gap between them.

If I have come to understand the issue, next step rightfully would be to work towards a solution for the same. However, I don't know if I actually want to work towards a solution or try and get around the problem because I am far too attached to my old school way of functioning. I am far to attached to not giving two cents to things that are irrelevant and just pure gossip. I don't want to get sucked into mundane talks and want to keep focusing on working everyday to get better, to challenge myself and learn to recognize my nuances better and be grateful for everyday.

To my future self, I know it will be hard again once you are back in hostel, but I hope you learn to work around it and remember what you are here for and why you want to push everyday.

Don't forget:

• You have to get somewhere that is a place that makes a difference; to you, to other people's lives
• You NEED TO STOP GETTING COMPLACENT
• You need to PUSH yourself everyday
• Remember your end goals, don't let stupid things distract you
• Always be grateful for the important people you have in life currently, they will not be there forever
• IMPORTANT People FIRST, ALWAYS; Work can wait

Hopefully I get better at controlling my anxiety Alice!

Missing Durga Puja or missing familiarity?

 Lights out Alice!

On one of my tangential thought streams that necessarily occur during study sessions, It hit me that this Durga Puja would be one of the first ones that I would have missed because of being away in an hostel. I don't know what it is about the caged life of a hostel, otherwise called as "campus life" that makes me feel trapped, disconnected from reality and unable to feel alive. I am currently in Gurgaon but in my two months here, I have rarely felt Gurgaon in a way that I have connected with other cities in shorter span of time. I am unable to put a finger on it but I am definitely missing familiarity and comfort of home. Durga Puja was a yearly celebration of this comfort and familiarity and not having the ability to walk to the nearest pandal and just soak in the atmosphere is something that wells me up. Moreover, not watching my parents immerse themselves in the occasion as well as be occupied with different aspects of the festivities in an otherwise docile schedule, moves me to the point that I am questioning if all that we do to rise in life and society on a personal level is even worth it given the cost that it comes at. The cost being that my parents are living a life that is void of joy on most part, filled with boredom and devoid of energy. They put up a brave face and pretend to be happy but they can feel their life force wither inside them. They feel the passage of time like a high density fluid hit them everyday and going through it getting even more arduous.

I really hope Alice that I can find ways to bring them joy in their lives and just be in a position where I am there for them, not through gifts and world stupidities, but just there, present, in their lives and share real joy with them. Alice, I seriously miss my parents. I didn't know that I would miss them this much or that it would affect me this much, but hostel life has had some real impact on me. I adored them before, but now I value them even more.

I hope I can turn this around Alice! 

Am I sliding back into bad habits?

I get pissed off at the fact that I get pissed off so easily. Why am I so perturbed all the time? What am I trying to get at? What is the real and underlying root cause that is leading to such impulsive anger? Is it justified that I am venting that anger that is ultimately directed at myself to my parents. I am sorry that they have to tolerate my shenanigans but markedly angry at myself for again not talking to them in a better manner. Why did I have to tell them to be a bit more real with me? Why did I lose my cool over insignificant trivialities? Am I sliding back to my old bad habit of being the "Angry Young (not applicable anymore) man" who is always pissed at the world? I really hope not

When it gets overwhelming

 Lights out Alice!

As usual, when work hits, it hits all at once. Simultaneously. Parallel running and concurrently ending deadlines.

Therefore, Brain = Fried, head = ache, work efficiency = 0, progress = paralysis, anxiety on an increasing polynomial function.

Breath starts feeling shallower. World starts closing up. You can feel the room get stuffier, your breath faster but the ability to grasp oxygen with each breath reducing with each breath you take. It is as if with every breath the amount of oxygen that you can take in decreases and hence you have to balance between taking it faster versus making it last longer. An optimisation problem with one end, breathlessness panic.

This is how yesterday was for me with 4 project deadlines simultaneously coming up as well as deadlines for CAIML course which requires extensive work also falling in the same week. Everything demanding attention at the same time is a surefire recipe for getting nothing done at all and this leads to even more anxiety and spiralling. You try to make plans, grand of course, of how you will allocate just the right amount of time to get each of them done and how you are going to knock each of the projects out the park. Nothing like that. Actually, when the number of projects exceeds what is feasible, which is one a day, every two days, my efficiency goes down drastically and whatever I could easily cover on a normal day, I cover even less than that. I like my deadlines just slightly out of reach, or made to be out of reach artificially, not just pure impossible.

Next, this situation is made even worse because of me overeating, both in general and having sweets which I am supposed to stay away from given my borderline diabetic situation. But being under stress (read bored) and having sweet available at my fingertips ensures that I give into the craving and exceed my calorie quota for the day which ends up feeding into my regret.

How the hell do I get away from this Alice?

Thoughts after morning run on 2nd September 2022

Lights out Alice!

The urge to give up comes oh so often in every run signifying that even though not 16 hours would have passed from the last run, I have already gotten complacent. I have already gotten used to sitting in an AC compartment and being disconnected from the outside world. How will I ever be able to take good decisions in the real world if I am living in a bungalow isolated from society. Is this why kings had representation from diverse kind in the court? But weren't they all royals or elites? Was anyone in touch with the working class? Is this how the gap between the rich and the poor came about?
If I go into this air conditioned society, will I be able to do anything meaningful, ever? Will I ever be able to contribute to the wellbeing of the society and work for the middle and lower class?

Currently all I am is a sweet talker and I am yet to walk the talk. I hate the fact that once I start opening up, I start revealing personal and intimate details about myself and my feelings, something that everyone else is able to hide or mask pretty well. I wear my thoughts on my sleeve and generally am too quick to react to a situation without actually taking the time to respond.

I frequently forget that I have things that I have already started and need to see to completion and then go on to take on extra new work. New things at the beginning always excite me but the important bit, the middle bit, the bit where I have to hunker down and keep beavering through sheer discipline and will power, especially when no one's watching, is something I lack. I give up as soon as it stops being exciting and start looking for new projects while leaving the previous one incomplete. Oh what an idiot I am Alice!

It is a beautiful day out there today Alice. The sky is blue littered with cotton candy like clouds (or are those cotton candies that take the shape of a cloud), broken and scattered but in enough numbers to look continuous. Discrete but continuous, just the topic I was reading last night. I really like how there are different shades of green in leaves and how early rays of the sun bring out a whole another level of glow in them. I love the scattered silence in the morning, broken often by chirping birds, barking of squirrels and the droning of trucks alongside the highway that runs parallel to the campus. Oh, why forget the constant humming or droning of AC cabinets that are omnipresent in all buildings. Mornings are so pleasant that you even get to the point of asking why would anyone need air conditioning but the same is answered as soon as afternoon rolls around, although for me personally, I would still not want an AC. It makes me lazy, complacent and forget the simple fact that there are people in this world that are just not in a better place because they weren't as lucky as I was. I would hate myself if I would ever forget that it is what my parents and my sister and the important people all around me have done for me that has gotten me where ever I might be in life or get to and that I am nothing special. I have actually done nothing meaningful in life. I have never made an actual difference. Most of the time, I live a self serving life and I never take the time to thank the people who got me here. I, by myself, am a nobody. My parents and my sister made me. I really am one lucky person. I hope I don't forget this.


Mornings are so peaceful and effective in terms of getting things done. Then humans (including me) ruin it by treading on it. Why does the morning clarity fade as the day progresses? Why can't I maintain my efficiency throughout the day?

But in the other hand, to really appreciate the beauty of mornings, I guess I have to go through the drudgery of the rest of the day. This brings me to another thought. Why outside consultants are required. I firmly believe on most days that consulting is the biggest scam and a field created by pfaffers (I am a pfaffer as well). However, being involved in anything for far too long generally ruins our sight. We are not able to see the forest for the trees and everything is green. An outside but balanced and reasonable perspective in this stage can really be elightening and give a fresh perspective to the internal team as long as the internal team is willing to accept the feedback with open arms and not try to knock on it at every turn.

Oh how do I cope better Alice?

Pain is the point

Lights out Alice!

I have lived a rather cosy life and faced little adversity, especially compared to the hell that my parents have gone through. Both of them had to go through several stressful periods, some stretches of pure hell that I even shudder to imagine the quantum of pain they had to bear.

This feeling is there because I have gotten complacent. I have started taking things for granted and have forgotten that life can turn turtle anytime. A grim reminder of the same was given to me when I read a post that Chirag, an old classmate of mine from school was hospitalised and needed blood urgently. Life is fickle and it is shameful to see that I am living it or planning it in a manner that I will never see a downward trend and foolishly consider what is a small pebble in a joyous stretch of time to be a big deal and conclude that I have gone through pain (I haven't). People all around me are going through real hard times like my cousin elder brother not getting paid in his job for months without notice and here I am, worrying about insignificant trivialities and mindless expenditures.  What a pathetic creature do you have to be to be worrying about whether I should be spending a small fortune to stay in the heart of Mumbai or opt for a larger and spacious home outside the city in Navi Mumbai. Thoughts such as these should be spit upon and the person who thinks these should be outcasted and I am ashamed that such a thought even crossed my mind and for being that person.

I am weak. I have zero real world and/or adversity experience. I have zero idea how to live on a meagre budget. I have always been cared upon by my parents and been spoiled. They have calmly met my every whims and fancies without flinching and safeguarded me from realities of life while imparting life lessons on how to treat people better. I won't even dare to think that I am ready for the world. I am not. Nature and God are scoffing at my impudence. I can only be grateful for the wonderful people that I got lucky to have as parents and siblings and can only apologise for not being a better son and brother. 

Hell, I can't even run a measly 5km distance even though I have been doing the distance for over 2 years now. I still think that completing a mere 5km run is a big task where in all totality, given how long I have been doing it, I should not even register it as a task. Sadly, in the last few months I have become extremely vain and I have no one else to blame for this except myself even though my thoughts are looking for externalities and to find any excuse to not own up to my mistake.

What an piece of shit idiot I am Alice!