Lights out Alice!
No Alice, it is not my usual bull crap/rant on how I procrastinate but a deeper look into why I think I have skeletons in my closet (read mind) that would require an expert examination. This stems from the fact that I think for all intents and purposes I have issues in opening up to people or talking about anything personal. I don't know why (but I kinda do) I have this inner mindset that somehow if people know more about me, I would lose that pretend allure and charm that I can command by being secretive (even though I am a blabber mouth) and people would not like me.
Next I want to list out the fact that I claim that I don't want attention, but isn't going out of my way to ensure that I am away from the limelight another form of attention seeking behaviour? Isn't that me looking for an indirect way to get attention of people? The pity kind. The remember me in your wishes kind. The kind that thinks he can come and go and be revered forever. Might have something to do with the hundreds of misfit and loner protagonist crime shows I keep binging on.
That sounds messed up and I think it gets worse. Since my altercation with my high school chemistry teacher (in high school) and the harassment by my classmates surrounding that, I have always felt like everything I did was in an effort to try and grab attention. To counteract that I always shun attention. Now, I counter that counter thinking by claiming that this is in fact an effort to raise my attention seeking behaviour to the next level by not trying to get attention overtly but covertly, not flattery but admiration. Pretty messed up, especially when both versions are being cropped up by the same brain and you don't know what is true or which version to believe. What's worse is that since the reality isn't clear, corrective action is not clear as well.
Alice, even the best castles needed a host of slaves to keep up appearances, similar to what my mind is, a place that is marvellous from the outside but torturous for some of its inhabitants and miserable for the rest.
This stemmed from an incident that occurred on 6th June, 2022 post my final review (which went well) around 5 pm. He went into depths that I was not comfortable revealing and in the process felt very uncomfortable and stuffy. I don't blame him and frankly these were questions that would be normal for close friends to discuss between them but since I never really open up to anyone, I felt like I was choking, unable to breathe, like every sentence I went further into the discussion, I was somehow letting go of my character, somehow I was dying inside. Pretty weird considering I could have refused to answer or lie about it. I don't know why I did not refuse to answer because maybe deep down I wanted to see how deep do people go in asking about darkest secrets but also I knew I would not be able to bring myself around to lie about a question posed to me. I can beat around the bush for a few seconds but that stalling technique is weaker than a dam made of twigs. Somehow, it all seems worse than it would really have been. Probably this is also compounded by the fact that I internally believe that my answers are shameful and not proud of what they represent or what it entails. Probably the way I lead my life is neither "cool", which I absolutely loathe, nor "righteous", something I pretend to aspire towards but my actions otherwise betray.
Yes, I am overthinking it. But you know what I have come to realize? Overthinking is one of my greatest assets if I can channel it better. I can think of scenarios in my head and run through optimisations...wouldn't that be the coolest thing ever if I can someday in the future get to a place where I am able to learn new things and think for a living!
Ahh Alice, to be young (let's pretend for a moment I am) and have those dreamy eyes...real world betrays me frequently but I can't really stop dreaming...I want to be in a position where I am DOING things, not a cog in the Corporate Hamster wheel
Lights out Alice!
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