Am I lonely or do I want to be?

I like being alone - in my mind palace- with my inner voice and thoughts - why is this though? - do I feel like the need to act or be anything but myself in front of others? To pretend to be better than what I really am?
-people tell you to socialize - to mingle - why is this a necessity? - is there something wrong with me if I do my best thinking alone? - can I still be a team player?

- what is the societal pressure to conform? Why can't we chart our own way, make our own mistakes and learn the hard way - yes, we wouldn't get anywhere as a society if everyone keeps spinning the metaphorical wheel but someone who wants to do it should be able to do it anyways

- Can I be more structured with my thoughts? Process them faster, better and use frameworks that are more inclusive in nature? Can I push and challenge my understanding and broaden my views? Can I become conscious of my framework to the point I can figure out the weaknesses in it and improve upon the same - can I maintain a calm demeanour and take decisions after a thorough analysis of pros and cons? Can I not lose my cool at the slightest inconvenience? Can I be more patient with my parents, interact with them a little more and help them feel better? I don't know how I can help my sis but I want to be there for her! Can I stay in touch with other important people like mama, naniji, maaji? Can I regularly touch base with the important few friends?

-Can I have the patience to keep an open mind and step back and give everything a fresh look even though I might be invested in it?

- In the future, can I take better decisions? Say no when I need to and not give into peer pressure into doing things I am not interested in and wasting my time away - I don't need to waste time in interacting with people when I can be working on improving my basic knowledge - why can't I be more of a doer and less of a talker?

- Why can I still not switch easily between outside work and sitting still and learning stuff? Why do I need to drown the noise with procrastination every time I come from outside or interact with people?

- Why can I still not study by myself for long hours (well...not even 45 mins at a time) even after all these years? Why am I only stimulated and brimming with ideas when in a class and want to study everything but as soon as I sit to revise, poof...no ideas, nothing

- Why can I not commit to any field - to a line of work? - to a long termer? Why do I feel the need to dive deeper into every cool thing and hence end up not getting anywhere?

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