Lights out Alice!
Heading into second year of college, with the pandemic probably over, classes are all set to resume physically. That might be a good thing on some fronts and for some people, but for a person who misses his parents a lot, it is not great. Having classes online had a set advantage of allowing me to live within my comfort zone, to push within my comfort zone and to learn without reproach or judgement. I could do whatever I wanted outside of working hours without listening to judgement from other people. As I have highlighted before, I do not know why, but I somehow end up feeling uneasy and unable to be me and do whatever I want when there are people around me. I always have my guard up, always pretending at some level. I don't know who I try to please, but when there are people around me, I am unable to do the things that are most important, to concentrate and to think of new ideas and better execution strategies.
But more than that, I would miss my parents dearly, especially my mom. Now that Papa has retired, I feel like he has lost that shine, that quirk in his step and has gotten considerable weaker due to non engagement. My mom on the other hand, is such a sensitive soul that it hurts her considerably to see her children so far away. Further more, this problem is compounded by the fact that when I am outstation, I am a terrible person to talk to given my disinclination towards small talk. I want to engage with them further but find no points to talk about and it hurts more than it helps.
When I see my mom sad about the fact that I will be moving away, I don't know if I am supposed to be filled with remorse. I don't think at that time I was able to feel at all. I tried looking inside and listening to myself but I couldn't hear a thing. No emotions at all. I don't know if that is a good thing or a really bad one. I know I am sad, but I don't know if I feel sad or if I am just blocking all emotions. What irks me the most is that the situation is worse off for my parents than it is for me since I am heading off towards something new, something engaging while leaving a gaping hole and unfillable void in the lives of my parents.
I probably am being dramatic, but damn life hurts like hell. Why do we have to leave the ones we love behind? I know good times cannot last forever but can't I trade in some of the very good to counter for the very bad? I also know that over time this gaping hole will close and a pothole will remain in place of a crater, a small reminder of a large change. I hope that they are happy, for however long they can and I hope I am less of an ass to myself and to the people around me. I hope that I can be patient when it comes to them, to take time to listen to them, to take time to call them up and ask them about their day, to be with them 100% when I am with them and to really be a better ward everyday.
I don't know what tomorrow will hold but I hope that I do not add to my parent's despair and I don't turn into the ass who does not call or does not have the time for his parents because he is too busy chasing xyz. Remember SKT, there is nothing more important in your life than family. NOTHING.
Don't forget the people that made you whoever/whatever you are today. They made you. You are nothing. Papa, Mummy, Ritu are the ones that are responsible for any and every success you have had till date. You are nothing without them and all you need is them.
Hope I don't stray off course Alice!
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