Prompt based short story

Parrhesia – The Creative Writing Event

Round 1

Written from the perspective of the Husband

“…She held the smoke in for a moment before blowing it back through flaring nostrils.”

I don’t know what got over me in the very next exhale. A tsunami of emotions, which I didn’t know I had, took over and all I could do was be an observer as the words came out of my mouth, “It’s all your fault. You did this. You betrayed us. You betrayed our child.”

Silence. The world started playing in slow motion. The cigarette involuntarily fell from her stretched hand outside the car. Her face changed from an expression of shock to utter disgust before finally settling on relief. I pulled over. I turned to face her only to see that tears were flowing down her cheeks.

Did it finally happen? Was I human? Were the betrayals and night long fighting behind us?

Rationality kicked in. “No, it can’t be,” I shouted. I couldn’t have turned into the one thing I was fighting against every night since Harry was born. The night that divided us forever till this moment. The night that drove me towards Sarah, the only person who understood what I was going through.

But after the wave of emotions came a sea of calm. It was ethereal. I couldn’t describe it. I was feeling every emotion while feeling nothing. I had been numb before but now it felt like an extra corporeal experience which left me as a gatekeeper while emotions ran past like buffaloes through a ranch gate.

All I wanted to do was hug my wife. It’s not like I had never done it before. But I had never felt this feeling before.

Looking back, it all started the night Harry was born. To be fair, this issue did exist right when my wife got pregnant, but as couples expecting a baby do, we buried it in the back. We were both droids. We had been sent to observe the human race closely and report back. That’s it. We were on a mission. The connect was unexpected. We were not programmed to have emotions. We were not programmed to have any feelings.

But something changed the longer we stayed with the human race. Kathy and I grew closer. What started as a debrief session to catalogue how humans took their decisions and went about utilizing the available resources judiciously turned into a session of cataloguing our feelings, if we ever had them and how we would react. What started out as a chore turned into an unmissable event, highlight of our day and a longing for the rest of the time. We didn’t realise it at the time, but we were slowly turning into humans.

The secret was out when Kathy got pregnant. It wasn’t supposed to happen. We were only testing out the range of emotions that humans went through in an intimate relationship. We didn’t know it was even possible. But when the news broke, only one of us was elated and cried and the other stood there, stoic and motionless, processing how he would have to report back to headquarters about this incident. He decided against it. Headquarters did not need to know that one of the two droids, sent to observe human kind would end up becoming human. It would be my responsibility to shield Kathy. But there was an innate sadness in me that I myself could never be human.

Feeling emotions, or lack of thereof...

 Lights out Alice!

Heading into second year of college, with the pandemic probably over, classes are all set to resume physically. That might be a good thing on some fronts and for some people, but for a person who misses his parents a lot, it is not great. Having classes online had a set advantage of allowing me to live within my comfort zone, to push within my comfort zone and to learn without reproach or judgement. I could do whatever I wanted outside of working hours without listening to judgement from other people. As I have highlighted before, I do not know why, but I somehow end up feeling uneasy and unable to be me and do whatever I want when there are people around me. I always have my guard up, always pretending at some level. I don't know who I try to please, but when there are people around me, I am unable to do the things that are most important, to concentrate and to think of new ideas and better execution strategies.

But more than that, I would miss my parents dearly, especially my mom. Now that Papa has retired, I feel like he has lost that shine, that quirk in his step and has gotten considerable weaker due to non engagement. My mom on the other hand, is such a sensitive soul that it hurts her considerably to see her children so far away. Further more, this problem is compounded by the fact that when I am outstation, I am a terrible person to talk to given my disinclination towards small talk. I want to engage with them further but find no points to talk about and it hurts more than it helps. 

When I see my mom sad about the fact that I will be moving away, I don't  know if I am supposed to be filled with remorse. I don't think at that time I was able to feel at all. I tried looking inside and listening to myself but I couldn't hear a thing. No emotions at all. I don't know if that is a good thing or a really bad one. I know I am sad, but I don't know if I feel sad or if I am just blocking all emotions. What irks me the most is that the situation is worse off for my parents than it is for me since I am heading off towards something new, something engaging while leaving a gaping hole and unfillable void in the lives of my parents.

I probably am being dramatic, but damn life hurts like hell. Why do we have to leave the ones we love behind? I know good times cannot last forever but can't I trade in some of the very good to counter for the very bad? I also know that over time this gaping hole will close and a pothole will remain in place of a crater, a small reminder of a large change. I hope that they are happy, for however long they can and I hope I am less of an ass to myself and to the people around me. I hope that I can be patient when it comes to them, to take time to listen to them, to take time to call them up and ask them about their day, to be with them 100% when I am with them and to really be a better ward everyday.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold but I hope that I do not add to my parent's despair and I don't turn into the ass who does not call or does not have the time for his parents because he is too busy chasing xyz. Remember SKT, there is nothing more important in your life than family. NOTHING.

Don't forget the people that made you whoever/whatever you are today. They made you. You are nothing. Papa, Mummy, Ritu are the ones that are responsible for any and every success you have had till date. You are nothing without them and all you need is them.

Hope I don't stray off course Alice!

Am I lonely or do I want to be?

I like being alone - in my mind palace- with my inner voice and thoughts - why is this though? - do I feel like the need to act or be anything but myself in front of others? To pretend to be better than what I really am?
-people tell you to socialize - to mingle - why is this a necessity? - is there something wrong with me if I do my best thinking alone? - can I still be a team player?

- what is the societal pressure to conform? Why can't we chart our own way, make our own mistakes and learn the hard way - yes, we wouldn't get anywhere as a society if everyone keeps spinning the metaphorical wheel but someone who wants to do it should be able to do it anyways

- Can I be more structured with my thoughts? Process them faster, better and use frameworks that are more inclusive in nature? Can I push and challenge my understanding and broaden my views? Can I become conscious of my framework to the point I can figure out the weaknesses in it and improve upon the same - can I maintain a calm demeanour and take decisions after a thorough analysis of pros and cons? Can I not lose my cool at the slightest inconvenience? Can I be more patient with my parents, interact with them a little more and help them feel better? I don't know how I can help my sis but I want to be there for her! Can I stay in touch with other important people like mama, naniji, maaji? Can I regularly touch base with the important few friends?

-Can I have the patience to keep an open mind and step back and give everything a fresh look even though I might be invested in it?

- In the future, can I take better decisions? Say no when I need to and not give into peer pressure into doing things I am not interested in and wasting my time away - I don't need to waste time in interacting with people when I can be working on improving my basic knowledge - why can't I be more of a doer and less of a talker?

- Why can I still not switch easily between outside work and sitting still and learning stuff? Why do I need to drown the noise with procrastination every time I come from outside or interact with people?

- Why can I still not study by myself for long hours (well...not even 45 mins at a time) even after all these years? Why am I only stimulated and brimming with ideas when in a class and want to study everything but as soon as I sit to revise, poof...no ideas, nothing

- Why can I not commit to any field - to a line of work? - to a long termer? Why do I feel the need to dive deeper into every cool thing and hence end up not getting anywhere?

-

All I ever wanted to do...

Lights out Alice!

It would have been fairly obvious from my blogs from 2016 that I have a soft spot for mathematics. I wasn't very good at it, but I always was a big fan of the subject. It only follows that ISI remains the one institute I would always dream of getting into. Not just that, but having met a few students and profs (and being taught by some of them as well) from the institute, I always wondered if I would be anywhere near their level of thinking, brain power and sheer intelligence. ISI was, is and probably will always remain hallowed ground revered by me with zero real hope of getting to the level where I can be a part of that institute.

It's not to say I have given up. I probably won't and will keep trying to improve myself day upon day to get anywhere close to these stalwarts but it probably will never come to pass. But I will still keep trying. I will get there one day and be deserving of the ground I would stand upon. My shortcomings remain the fact that I procrastinate a lot and that I talk and ideate more than I actually do stuff, and now that I am typing it out, I don't really know. I don't know if I can get over this duo of deadly bad habits and if I will ever work long enough and hard enough to be deserving of that level. 

Two things that are omnipresent among students of esteemed institutions (basically the best minds in the country) such as ISI (other than their high level of innate talent and intelligence) which is their hard work and dedication. Yes, they have a level of innate talent that helps them understand processes and theorems faster but it does not come easy, contrary to what people might think. They can compute at a very high level, which also means that they have to work at a very high level and dive deeper, further and for much longer than us normies. Nobody gets to the level that these people operate at on talent alone. If they get there, they cannot sustain it or be able to teach to the world new things or contribute to their field. The burden that only the mentally gifted have to carry is the burden of being stimulated. They can easily understand most things around them and would find academic learning at usual levels BORING. Their peers would make for poor conversations as they cannot fathom the depths that they operate at and teachers would struggle to acknowledge their talent or the level that these kids can operate at. All of the above factors would lead to a state of mind that nothing really is stimulating them to push harder, to learn more or to excel and contribute to society in a meaningful way. They might end up not working towards their goals and lose their way. Although, life has a funny way of knocking people back into the path they really belong to and sooner or later, everyone gets their calling. Sadly, for a few people, it comes at a great personal loss. A loss that they cannot get over or a void that they cannot fill. They use their ability as a numbing agent to dull their senses and as a way to forget about their pain. As long as they channel it correctly, although it won't be sustainable, they won't fall off the wagon. But if these people are exposed to bad measures to cope with the pain, they can fall into the wrong crowd and head down a dark alley. Hopefully, life again knocks them back into place in one piece.

I hope I actually start working more than talking Alice!

Just a quick sit rep

 Lights out Alice!

Just a quick update on my summer internship at C in M. Yesterday was the last day. According to the HR, my presentation was 6th in rank, just quite not enough to make it to the top 5. Although I never thought I wanted to be in the Top 5, the competitive side of me was very disappointed in not getting through. Apparently I was passionate about the project and that pervaded in everything that I did, which shone through. Apparently I had practical ideas and the way I went about my project was good.

I keep using apparently because these are just words, words that might just be flattery, might just be false praise, might just be an skewed view of the situation. So I will never know if it is true or if it actually means anything. After all, it wasn't good enough to be in the top 5. Most of all, I don't want it to get to my head even though me writing about my praises and repeating them to my family already tells me that deep down inside I am craving these and lapping them up and it has actually already gotten to my head. Oh what a shitter I am!

I cannot sing enough praises of my mentor Rachita, not because she was my mentor, but because she was an absolutely amazing human being and team leader for the past two months. Safe to say that I learned more on the human aspects of working in a team and behaviour towards others than I learned about marketing. Regardless of how many back to back meetings she just came out of, she always had a smile on her face and was always ready to give her time and attention to anybody's problem, be it a lowly intern even. All this with a permanent smile on her face, a buzz in her step and a cheery disposition that most people won't get even after a good night's sleep.

Alice, I really hope I can become better at being a human, interacting with others and push myself to do better in everything I want to do and keep myself away from everything that is useless and a waste of time!

Am I actually detail oriented or is it just another one of my fantasies?

 Lights out Alice!

To be fair, I rarely take cognizance of how people describe me since more often than not they only see a part of me, my work and are fairly oblivious to how it came about that way. But recently, a few people mentioned my work as detailed oriented. I took notice, well, because inwardly I would really be proud of being called detailed oriented and wanted that tag. This leads to the first problem. I picked up on "detail oriented" mainly because I wanted that praise, not that it applied to me more than other hollow praises that people give randomly to colleagues without any real thought. Secondly, what have I actually done in life to really deserve that tag even if I wanted to? All I do is procrastinate, make castles in the air and never get down and do the grunt work and build a foundation. I leap from one exciting thing to another all while knowing very well that real success only comes from the grunt work. The discipline. The boring stuff. The part where you reject applying something till you master the theory to be able to actually understand the nuances of practical implementation. 

Next question, why do I so desperately seek the tag of "detail oriented" and what does it entail? Also, like all platitudes, it is actually doing nothing more than stroking my ego, something that I really need to stop working towards since it is a sure shot way of destruction through short-lived glory. Everyday I am scared that it would be the day that I stop actually working hard towards my goals and start counting my sheep (read empty hollow accolades or platitudes colleagues or bosses mention in passing that has no actual implication in real life). MBA does this to you (upon rereading, it is sad to see I am putting my mistakes on an course). You seek the thrill of competition and thrive on the adulation of others. You want to compete. You want to show how your solution is better and faster than your colleagues, how you can outsmart them, how you can outthink them and build it leaner. Read the sentences again and note how selfish they become. In a rat race, creativity killing, boss-sucking-up corporate culture, ever action is very self centered. Every action is for your benefit or for the benefit of your department/ boss. Even in the rare cases there is company-wide pull to further a cause, don't forget it is generally on an exponentially growing the profit cause and not for societal good. Then again, you may ask that companies exist for-profit in general and expecting them to be charities is flawed logic. To that, I would counter that companies can go towards profit, but sustainability, go towards growth, but judiciously and not by over-extending themselves to look good in front of shareholders, something that leads to short term glitz but long term gloom.

So in conclusion, I just want to perceived as detailed oriented and meticulous while giving every aspect of the task its due diligence. It is not the case. I am sloppy. I don't like checking my work immediately after completion because I am too caught up in my writing or am too drained to actually look at it impartially. A lot of the times I miss things that are staring me in the face and most of all I am too hesitant and procrastinating in taking decisions that I never actually go through with things when I have time and then struggle to catch up.

I don't know how I will ever catch up to my bad habits Alice, if I ever do...I hope that I will someday be more than just naïve hope and imaginary potential!

About a TV series I recently watched

 Lights out Alice!

As mentioned previously I have a serious problem with binging on OTT platforms on random content just to drown out the noise in my head and procrastinate on whatever it is I am supposed to work on. This is a big issue, especially because there is zero point of me wasting my life behind some random content when I could do countless other things but I still do it. I do it because it is a bad habit but it is a bad habit that has taken a hold of me and I am unable to control myself. I subconsciously chose sabotaging myself when I have the time and then loathing myself when I run out of it. Yes, I think this is the case with most others but I don't really care for two reasons. First, I am not other people and second I don't care what the rest of the world does with their time, it is rest of the world's problem. I know that if I really want to more than just words, which I currently am, I need to be DOING shit and not just talking big shit. Plans amount to nothing if there is no action. Regret over wasting time on binge watching mindless shit to numb the noise in your head doesn't make you better.

Add to this the fact that I am a thrill junkie and a needy guy. Those terms are not meant to be used in their usual sense in my case though. I like the thrill of finding new stuff or doing things my way, exploring and treading new waters without previous baggage to worry about (yes, note the choice of the word, "baggage") and the thrill it brings. I like cutting it close on a deadline and going to useless lengths to prove pointless points and meaningless conclusions. I like deep diving on subjects others would just gloss over and also thinking of every case scenario that others would loathe going into, which would be wise of them since most of my case scenarios are based on incorrect assumptions that rarely come to life. Also, as the last few lines would indicate, I just love going off on tangents. Coming to the needy portion, I think another problem that adds on to my previous post on my inability to open up about myself is the fact that I only feel okay in meeting up with people when there is something I can help them with or at least I think I can help them with. Do I feel like I need to have some sort of upper hand at every conversation? Some need to always be the bigger guy at everything? I really hope that subconsciously I am not trying to do this because this would be very sad indeed.

Ah my tangent-ing ability, how thy moveth me from my point to some stranger's, in so much as I now not know what was mine to begin with or if it was always meant to slip away...

Coming back, I wanted to talk about Lincoln Lawyer and then connect it with Netflix using over 70000 attributes to determine which kind of audience with resonate or be interested in this content. This got me curious as to what can be these data pointers and how would I fare on them? What's the quantifier? What's the qualifier? How is the priority assigned? Who overlooks over the quantifiers and attributes and how correlation of 70000 attributes is done by the Netflix team. Even though it might be obvious to use AI/ ML or whatever buzz word that is doing the rounds these days, I am more interested in actually understanding how it works!

Sleep tight Alice!

Mistakes, old and new

Lights out Alice!

No Alice, it is not my usual bull crap/rant on how I procrastinate but a deeper look into why I think I have skeletons in my closet (read mind) that would require an expert examination. This stems from the fact that I think for all intents and purposes I have issues in opening up to people or talking about anything personal. I don't know why (but I kinda do) I have this inner mindset that somehow if people know more about me, I would lose that pretend allure and charm that I can command by being secretive (even though I am a blabber mouth) and people would not like me. 

Next I want to list out the fact that I claim that I don't want attention, but isn't going out of my way to ensure that I am away from the limelight another form of attention seeking behaviour? Isn't that me looking for an indirect way to get attention of people? The pity kind. The remember me in your wishes kind. The kind that thinks he can come and go and be revered forever. Might have something to do with the hundreds of misfit and loner protagonist crime shows I keep binging on.

That sounds messed up and I think it gets worse. Since my altercation with my high school chemistry teacher (in high school) and the harassment by my classmates surrounding that, I have always felt like everything I did was in an effort to try and grab attention. To counteract that I always shun attention. Now, I counter that counter thinking by claiming that this is in fact an effort to raise my attention seeking behaviour to the next level by not trying to get attention overtly but covertly, not flattery but admiration. Pretty messed up, especially when both versions are being cropped up by the same brain and you don't know what is true or which version to believe. What's worse is that since the reality isn't clear, corrective action is not clear as well.

Alice, even the best castles needed a host of slaves to keep up appearances, similar to what my mind is, a place that is marvellous from the outside but torturous for some of its inhabitants and miserable for the rest.

This stemmed from an incident that occurred on 6th June, 2022 post my final review (which went well) around 5 pm. He went into depths that I was not comfortable revealing and in the process felt very uncomfortable and stuffy. I don't blame him and frankly these were questions that would be normal for close friends to discuss between them but since I never really open up to anyone, I felt like I was choking, unable to breathe, like every sentence I went further into the discussion, I was somehow letting go of my character, somehow I was dying inside. Pretty weird considering I could have refused to answer or lie about it. I don't know why I did not refuse to answer because maybe deep down I wanted to see how deep do people go in asking about darkest secrets but also I knew I would not be able to bring myself around to lie about a question posed to me. I can beat around the bush for a few seconds but that stalling technique is weaker than a dam made of twigs. Somehow, it all seems worse than it would really have been. Probably this is also compounded by the fact that I internally believe that my answers are shameful and not proud of what they represent or what it entails. Probably the way I lead my life is neither "cool", which I absolutely loathe, nor "righteous", something I pretend to aspire towards but my actions otherwise betray.

Yes, I am overthinking it. But you know what I have come to realize? Overthinking is one of my greatest assets if I can channel it better. I can think of scenarios in my head and run through optimisations...wouldn't that be the coolest thing ever if I can someday in the future get to a place where I am able to learn new things and think for a living!

Ahh Alice, to be young (let's pretend for a moment I am) and have those dreamy eyes...real world betrays me frequently but I can't really stop dreaming...I want to be in a position where I am DOING things, not a cog in the Corporate Hamster wheel

Lights out Alice!

I am but another person, but I am enough

Is it possible for one human to make a lasting impact Alice? Is it ludicrous to even consider the possibility that down the line what I do can positively change the situation for the downtrodden, the underrepresented and the unwanted? 

“I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.” - Edwin Osgood Grover

The concern isn't really about what can or cannot be done, it is more around whether I have the willpower to stand through my conviction in tough times? Do I believe in anything strongly enough to stand by it even when the rest of the world is opposing me? Do I believe in my ideas strongly enough to stand by it even when nobody agrees with me? When the world around me is crumbling down? When my staunchest supporters become the loudest detractors?

To be honest, that scares me big time. To not be able to stand strong at the time of opposition is something that makes me reconsider even beginning to make a change, trying to make a stand. Fear of failure should not be a deterrent as it is only natural to go through ups and downs but I fear loss of conviction and self belief because I know for a fact that if I lose my conviction, the entire world around me will fall apart.

I hope I can find that cause that I can stand by, in good times and bad. Truthfully, no such thing exists in the world and I hope that pretty soon, I can come to terms with the uncertainty that is life and start rolling the dice, leaving the comfort of a steady dead-end corporate world to make a difference. But once again, I am scared of thinking of the very real possibility wherein I lose the vigour and motivation mid-way. It has happened before and mostly the trend seems to be of the fact that I am only interested in things that aren't available to me and once they become easily available, I lose steam. I am unable to take it to new heights. I can only be the underdog but I cannot maintain a lead or lead they way to new horizons. I get sloppy.

Ah Alice, what a real pickle it is to be full of ideas but none of the conviction required!

It is never for the lack of time, it is always about commitment and procrastination

 Lights out Alice!

I have come to conclude (possibly incorrectly) that I am more of a doer than a presenter. Sadly, my skills reflect the fact that I am more of a bullshitter than an actual doer. I may want to do things, but apparently I am good at pffaffing about things. I procrastinate to the nth degree and to the last of moments and then cobble together a second grade concoction and then sit down and ruminate about what could have been. This is aided by the fact that I will spend inordinate amount of time thinking about a plan, theorising and visualising case scenarios which could and couldn't happen, accounting for solutions for each of them and what I would do to account for that setback, all the while not actually getting anything done. What a waste I am!

I am good at visualising things, figuring out case scenarios, finding solutions to most situations and understanding how to get things done. Actually getting up and getting them done, well...that's a different ball game altogether! I think this has been my biggest letdowns, the fact that the energy brought to the table at the time of conception is at least a thousand times greater than the energy shown at the time of getting down to the brass tacks and executing stuff. I need to work on this.

Hopefully I can improve myself over time Alice and keep my head straight!

P.S: I am also very good at pushing people away and then brooding in the fact that I have no one around me...what a joke!

Do I have to go through this every time?

 Lights out Alice!

I am back, once again with my usual cribbing on my procrastinating abilities. So many ideas, so little time, yet I find the time to waste all of my time away. What a pathetic little shitter I am. Which begs the question, how dare I even trust myself to step away from the securities of a corporate life and jump into the deep end with my own venture. Not to forget the fact that I am a commitment-phobe aka scared of committing to something. I am only interested and enthusiastic about bringing new ideas and developments to the table even though reality is different and getting any product to the market requires a lot of commitment, grunt work, grinding, perseverance and pushing even when it is no longer fun. I am far to addicted to the rush that a new idea development gives me.

This is a scary realisation. Notwithstanding the mess of my personal life that I stand to make and the troubles that I stand to put my parents and sister through, I do not want to be in a situation where I am taking my team for a ride. I am too much of a seat-of-my-pants guy to be able to fake enthusiasm when I no longer believe in something. Either it is 100% in and pure commitment or I just won't do it at all and find a hundred ways of avoiding it. This blog is a case in point because currently I am supposed to work on my final presentation. Instead of doing that, I have been doing most of everything else.

I don't want to go through this period of procrastination every time but it seems like I am stuck in this rut where in I cannot force myself to pull out of this bad habit. Procrastination is now my single biggest issue and it is exactly a problem that feeds to my second biggest issue of being a scatterbrain and not being able to focus on one thing. 

I am currently at the juncture where I have to choose between a PPO from summer internship or sit for finals, something that is weighing up a lot on me because I am trying to decide between imagined scenarios. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring or if I will ever be good enough but I do really hope that I make something of myself and build something on my own and not just end up as just another corporate slave.

But it is a long shot and pipe dreams like these rarely work out. The glitz and glam of the MBA world is in stark contrast of the dog-eat-dog, brutal and dirty world of not being a corporate bigshot company and everyday survival is pretty rough. Suit and tie does not help you in the sun and does not help you when you have to go talk to potential customers in the afternoon heat in a remote city. 

I really hope I do not forget:

• Decisions made while sitting at the comfort of  an air conditioned office will never amount to the strategies that need to be implemented at 40 degrees Celsius afternoon sun. 
• Humility in the good times and perseverance in the bad. No blaming anybody else. Have accountability for your actions. 
• Remember it is all about your attitude! I don't you will ever meet a better person that Rachita Jain in terms of how she conducts herself and her positive attitude. She listens to people intently even though she has a million things go on herself, she always makes time to touch base with every one, never loses her cool and is friendly to everyone all the time. I don't think I can ever get to that level but I really thank my lucky stars that I got to meet someone who is at that level of awesomeness!
• Same goes for Devdutt Sir and Arijit Sir. Their experience, their wisdom and even then they actually listen to a nobody intern like me. Holy crap! Never before have I ever felt this level of inclusion in a team and working with them has been the freshest breath of air that I could ever take. Wow! I don't think my stars will align this way ever again and I really don't have any expectations because this was the crescendo, but I am happy that I got to experience this peak!
• Always be humble man...listen to people
• Stop talking...actually listen to people
• Give people time
• Like Devdutt, like acts of encouragement go a long way to pump up your team...a nudge here, a good job there, these go a long way. I really have learnt a lot from them...the trio was pretty cool!

I seriously pray Alice that I don't mess it up, that I actually work little by little towards my goals and one day I actually take that leap and create something that I would be proud of and something that does not hurt the people most important to me.

All I can do is hope Alice, because the future is untold and tomorrow is yet to be. I hope I can get through the bad with just as much appreciation as I am currently enjoying the good. I hope that I can take care of the people that are most important to me.

Pray for me Alice and Lights out!