It's getting pretty bad now

Lights out Alice!

I don't know if the 2016-2018 period was similar to this, mainly because I have very poor recollection of events and how they went down, but this is getting pretty bad now.

I am in a pretty bad headspace. 

• The D word seems to be the overarching theme 
• But Anxiety is the one that is calling the shots right now
• Anxiety is being heightened by the lack of a clear purpose post college,
• Add to that a job that I barely tolerate and is not at all satisfying
• The lack of clear guidelines on what I am supposed to do at my job, the uncertainty
• The fear of failing to do a good job, which ends up with me putting too much pressure on myself
• The lack of mental stimulation from any engaging topic to keep me occupied

All of this leads to a very dark hole which I seem to be crawling further and further into. Given how it is now winter, most of the time I feel like my head is about to burst, with heat being emanated from my head in a manner that is similar to a hot stove in a cold winter's morning. I am always overwhelmed, feeling like my head is about to burst.

I know that I cannot reach out to anyone about this and I can't tell my family about how bad it has gotten. I think I need help. But I am far too afraid. I am afraid to be a burden on anyone. I should be able to deal with all this change, this rejection, this loneliness, this pain of being away from everyone I held close as it is part of growing up. I cannot give in.

But it is getting harder Alice. Days are getting tougher, nights mostly overwhelming. I am bursting at the seams in my head and all the work that was done previously in putting in checks and measures that would keep my demons at bay have now failed. The demons are here and they have taken up accommodation in my head. The dominos may not be far from toppling. 

When you are in the thick of it, it is hard to see a way out. That is how I feel right now even though the rational part of me knows it will get better. It is pretty hard to see it that way right now. Harder even to get up to do basic chores. Harder still to implement good basic habits.

It is all falling apart. I am isolating. I feel lonely. I don't think I can talk to anyone about it even though it is exactly the advice I gave to everyone when they were facing their demons. My head is a mess. Anxiety is throwing imagined scenarios continuously and rational side of me is fighting hard to keep it at bay but is failing to do so. I am slipping. Correction, I have fallen, it has gotten bad.

It is pretty difficult to get out of the rut

Lights out Alice!

We complicate when we do not understand clearly. Just like most things in life, we would like to believe that the way mastery is reached in any subject is the complicated combination of luck, resources, talent and effort. Fair, it is a combination of all those, but if you really break it down, we know that there is only piece of that puzzle that is under our control and hence the one piece that really matters. 

Effort. We can control how much effort we put in, which is a direct outcome of how badly we want it which is in turn fuelled by what our end goal is and how much priority are we willing to put on it.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

If I never work on changing my procrastination or overcoming being in a rut with no real progress day in and day out, I will never be anything more than I am today. Moreover, I will be stagnating and decay will set in and soon I will be obsolete and outdated. Yes, this mindset might have been fueled by anxiety that is reigning supreme over me right now, but I do not disagree with it because it is reminding me that an important part of daily life is putting in the time for gradual changes through learning.

I suck Alice because I still haven't been able to break my bad habit loop and am still procrastinating like crazy!

The good part of my job

Lights out Alice!

I have been pretty loud about the fact that my current job and especially the sector that it is in is something that I am totally not interested in. I am doing it because of responsibilities and also the niggling feeling that in reality most corporate jobs are soul sucking and debilitating in some way or the other. Since I haven't had a ground breaking idea yet, notwithstanding the lack of capital, and also the simple fact that I am not intelligent enough to pursue pure research, I am left with sticking it out in corporate.

The travelling part of the job I like. Currently I am on my way from Azamgarh to Varanasi in UP. Obviously I have to mention the added disclaimer that I am travelling in style (private cab) and not in public transport which takes away the stress of maintaining time and also survive overcrowding.

Overlooking a field of wheat, on the highway, sun setting on the horizon is my version of a pretty evening. 

The secret although mandatory ingredient is that I have mostly covered what I needed to do. Plus in my head, as long as I am doing something, I am justifying my worth, without which the guilt of not giving my best eats away at me and leaves me with debilitating anxiety.

Coming back to the pretty view at hand. Vast open tracts of cultivated land. Highlights of yellow in a sea of green. Traffic filled highways. Cows and people flouting norms blatantly allows for the drive to be anything but straight forward, which at least keeps it from getting mundane. 

Currently, I don't know if the confounding variable is the fact that I have covered my goal for the day and also that I am on the move which is also in effect being on the job that is contributing to the feeling of satisfaction or the scenery. Nature, preferably rolling nature, provides for a blissful and anxiety reducing experience, something that soothes

A bit of inspiration

Lights out Alice!

I have been starved. Starved of inspiration of late. Starved of good ideas, good people, good management skills and among everything else, starved of intelligence. Intelligent people are inspirational. You want to do better. You want to go ahead and give your best for them. You want to put in that bit of energy more and give one more crack at it. 

I still remember the "nuts and bolts for beginners" workshop conducted on a chilly evening outside the venue in Jamshedpur way back in 2014 in my first year of college as well as first year of participating in Formula or Baja Student events. It was not complexity that has stuck with me all these years. It was the simplicity of the message, conveyed succinctly and in a manner that the audience can remember as heuristics. No, it did not cover all the theorems or formulas. Yes, it could be classified as just as broad overview presentation that anybody could narrate. But therein lies the difference. Very few can take difficult to visualize scenarios in complex engineering situations and explain it in a manner that makes everyone immediately create a mental picture. What made it truly amazing was that people did not just stop at grasping a complex concept in a simple manner, the workshop made them ASK WHY. It made people who did not know how a certain type of bolt functioned or how forces were distributed to go on to ask why the distribution was designed in a certain manner and how it would be more suitable for it to go an work in a specific situation better.

I don't think I could ever convey the beauty of this transition aptly enough. In five minutes, disinterested or at least disengaged audience was transported to a realm where they started devising scenarios and questioning each other on what would be a better solution to a hypothetical problem presented on screen. This is what presenters dream of. This is what zenith of teaching and understanding the audience looks like. But more importantly, this is what a great teacher does. 

When I sometimes ponder whether a phd is the right decision for me, given the obligation in most part to turn into a teacher, this is what scares me. I have zero interest in being a mediocre, slide reading, question dodging teacher. What scares me is what if I become one? What if the realities of life or complacency soaks into me to the extent where I no longer care if I am doing my best. It is my true nightmare.

I already see complacency seeping into a lot of my life. I have been slacking and the simple litmus test of it is to check if I am thinking of taking a break or the next thing to strike off my to-do list. If I am procrastinating, I will try to think of ways of getting off a task, a surefire way of failing and complacency. If I a doing and am enjoying the task of getting things done, well, even then I need to do a second step check whether I am doing the things I am supposed to be doing or whether I am procrastinating on doing the things I am supposed to do by doing other important but not urgent things.

Anyhoo, this was inspired by the video of Neal Mohan going back to his Alma Mater, Stanford where he explained his processes and how he goes about this work. Inspirational and definitely filled me with gusto.

Link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwHn-O_GeSg

Lights out Alice!

Keep going I guess

Lights out Alice!

Quitting has been on the top of mind recall these days. Exacerbated by all the background shenanigans, most of which I detailed in my last post.

When I start staring off into the distance and thinking, which is quite often these days, I just think it wouldn't be much different if I just quit. Stopped trying. No fear of failure or retribution if I up and quit in the first place. I would like to lie in that situation and make myself believe that it doesn't matter anyways and that nobody will be affected, at least not for long, or not more than usual.

But then when I reach this stage, I also ask why. Why not just do it. Why not see it through if failure is all but guaranteed? Why not make the best of whatever this situation is or not? Why not let it flow and not worry about extracting the most out of everyday? Why not take it slow, have patience and let life show you the way? 

I know these sound cliched, but they do make sense. Hopefully I have the patience to stick it out

I am in a bad place again

Lights out Alice!

I am in bad shape, my head is in a bad place, I am procrastinating a lot, I am riddled with crippling anxiety in any situation, I have been making poor decisions, I have been isolating (a touch more than normal) and then letting resentment and emotions build up to the point that I am unable to behave rationally or in the manner that is expected of me in any situation that decides to be anything more than trivial.

I am in a bad shape. I am getting pretty anxious these days and combined with a lot of unnecessary overthinking and scenario devising means that I am already mentally exhausted by the time the situation actually presents itself. It is crippling. It is heightening the doubts in my head, lead to poor decision making and preventing me from working towards improvement and just leading to a fast downward spiral, which just adds to the overthinking and crippling anxiety the next time around.

If I had to do a self assessment to map which factors were contributing how much to this state, I would assign a majority value to the MS situation. It really broke me, but it wasn't just her, it was the combined effect of the entire scenario that had accumulated from effectively September 2022 culminating in a pretty heartbreaking end to MS in October 2023 which left me in tatters about the entire situation. In this regard, I am a pretty low state, effectively questioning myself on every front, every factor and whether I even know what I want out of this or do I even know how to go about it in the first place.

The next major contributor, and this would be neck and neck with MS situation, is the fact that I am lost in life because I do not have a major goal to work towards. I do not know what is the next mountain that I want to climb. I do not know what my measure of success looks like. I do not know how I want to grow even though I do know that I want to grow on my own terms. For the first time in life, there is no another exam, another preparation or another structure that can act as a crutch or a saving grace to show the way. I really think that pursuing a post grad degree was in some ways just pushing off doing the hard thing of figuring out what I wanted out of my life down the line. Any educational institute does the awesome job of making you feel limitless on what you can do with your life and I was intoxicated with that power. Another thing that an educational institute does is give you a clear pathway that requires little to no thinking of what you actually WANT out of life. These are the subjects, these are the chapters, this is the stream, this is the exam, perform well and you will feel like you have achieved something even though it might not be the case.

Another sub factor is that I am procrastinating heavily in is actually sitting and trying to figure out my long term goals, aspirations, plans A to D and how I would like to grow. What would be my success metrics and how would I go about working on them. I have effectively been procrastinating on it since March, which makes it around 8 months of putting away something that is VERY IMPORTANT at this stage. Life will throw unknowns and realities which I have to deal with, but it is important to have an overarching northern star and bite-sized goals and a plan to get there so that I can assess deviation at each step. I like tracking my progress and even though I subconsciously work towards sabotaging it, I do tend to catch the slide, eventually, HOPEFULLY.

Although I am not labelling it as the major factor, I do think the next one is the one that is exacerbating most of the issues right now. I am not used to this. I am not used to not having to be in an all out battle. I am not used to having the odds stacked against me. I am not used to not drowning. In every situation, my body is comfortable fighting against the odds, since it takes away the pressure off winning in some ways and also the pressure of expectations. But more so, for me, when the situation is all hands on deck, I can put on my blinders and just focus on getting things done. A partial zen can be reached where I am not procrastinating and am able to just get things done. This is the calm that operating at near capacity of the brain in a particular situation allows me to perform at. When I am overwhelmed with tasks and things keep going wrong, then I can prioritize, optimise and not feel like I am missing out. When I am only at say 50% capacity utilisation, I do not know what to do with the remaining 50% of my capacity and instead of finding tasks to fill that gap or just resting (ha ha, highly unlikely), I end up paralyzed because I spend too much time planning and there are too many optimal options and I don't know which one to let go and so I sit there wasting time and end up doing nothing which makes it even worse because it plays in my head and adds to my shitty headspace. I am pretty sure when I will look back, this will end up being the biggest factor and the one that I would definitely need to correct over the course of time if I ever do not want to be back in this place again. However, I also know that I am not good at learning from my mistakes and I will probably waste all my progress again. 

I do not know how to build onto past progress. I get too overwhelmed that I am not at the bottom/ underdog with nothing to lose and that I can actually build on a base and just end up sabotaging myself. It is like I only know how to function in situations where I am the underdog. 

The next is being impatient and not working on my basics. To be fair, it builds on the problem presented by the fact that I do not know how to operate when the odds are overwhelmingly stacked against me. I do not know how to build on something.

The cherry on top is being forgetful. I am so impatient and fickle minded that I don't stick to a plan. I get too easily distracted. I do not put in the work and just want to get to where I want to be without the journey. No, it is not that I do not know that I need to put in the work or that I have to go through it, it is just that I am so fickle minded and ADHD in my behaviour that I make plans in my notebook, get exhausted, take a break, forget to actually work on the plans, let a couple of days pass thinking I have a good plan in place but not actually work the said plans, panic at my lackadaisical approach over the past couple of days, think that I actually do not have a plan, forget that I did have a plan, go about creating a plan in the next few days, be happy that I have things somewhat figured out, go on a break and not work on the said plan. Repeat. Ad infinitum.

Just my thoughts

Lights out Alice!

First part: 1st Nov, 2023

Loyalty is what I believe in. Although it is an assumption because there hasn't been enough tests to validate it and hence every design seems nice till the load actually sets in.

I don't know her side, because I cannot text her, but is it that easy to get over someone you claim to like? I am here, wallowing in pain, withering slowly into the dark place, procrastinating on everything, slipping on work, forgetting my goals and just letting everything go to hell in a hand basket. What's worse is that as soon as it starts getting a bit better, my brain goes into overdrive, starts finding ways to re-read those old texts, look at those old photos and memories and find a way to hear her old voice messages again. My brain is not ready to let go and keeps finding ways to go back to missing her, hoping against hope that one day she will come back, even though the rational side of me knows that she is not coming back.

But I am tired. My brain is tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to show people that I am worthy of someone, anyone's love and affection. I might be broken, might be weird, might be boring, but am I that bad and undeserving that I strike out with everyone?

On some days, I let my frustration boil over me. I let it grow and grow inside, the shit head of mine stewing bad thoughts till it boils over and I misplace my frustration on people that actually care about me and are part of my life. I should know better, but man, I keep making those silly mistakes. Today, I pushed a topic with my parents that I should have dropped. They hinted that I was pushing their buttons but somehow I wanted to force the issue. I don't know why but in that moment I made the decision that by bringing up a touchy issue I can best resolve it. There have been a gazillion previous instance where I have tried the same approach and never in any of those times has it worked. Yet, I don't seem to learn.

Why would it matter I ask myself when I think of writing. It is not like I am the only one with a story to tell. It is not like I am the only one who feels things or is going through something. It is not even the case where I am able to express the mundane in an alluring manner which is a sign of a good writer. Another characteristic of a great is their ability to convey a lot through very little. I am the opposite. I am verbose and go into multiple tangents and irrelevant details.

Continuing with the theme of going on tangents, how can so many songs exist? How can so many songs talking about heartbreak, conveying the artist's journey through one, their emotional turmoil, their upheaval, be so similar to appeal to the masses yet distinct enough that it hits differently and you want to listen to each of them?

Update: 7.11.23:

It has been a few days. A lot might have changed yet not a lot did for me. The same pain, the same routine. The world went through its motions, albeit with lack of emotion, in its daily humdrum, the chug and churn of a routine, which is in no city more exaggerated and evident than Mumbai. People wake up, get on a transport, be it a metro or a train or a bus, which is overcrowded and packed like sardines, in a road network or a rail network that is bursting at the seams, dressed in an attire that takes away what little character and soul they might have left to reach a job that is non engaging and dulls the brain through constant negative feedback from bosses on work not being done to their liking or in a manner that they have envisioned through their micromanagement. Although it is a city that houses most "stars" (bollywood) or "celebrities", all I see is a surprising dearth of originality. Everyone seems to be going to a corporate job or coming back from one, when a corporate job by definition is routine and non-original. However, I will also go on to contradict myself because I am a part of that system and hence limited in my world view, for I have never travelled the local trains when the humdrum and the office rush has ended. When the night owls and the to-be writers, dreamers and the lovestruck or love crushed people get on the train to be carried, some far away from their pain, some closer to their hopes and dreams.

I keep looking back, I keep revisiting the entire project stint when we worked together or the Pondi trip. I keep thinking that all along I knew it would end or I would be alone or that she would never reciprocate the feeling. I knew that it never ends well for me and the other person is not to blame because they would be taking a decision that is right for them as per their understanding. But is it wrong to want to be in love? To be hopelessly hopeful? To be eternally optimistic? I keep using the same point in my mental debates to justify this deviation from practicality: Life is going to be tough either which ways anyways, why not have someone you would be willing to go through hell for when you are going through it?

Don't worry Alice, I am an overthinker and hence at all points in time and at every turn I will question everything. I have questioned the fact that since I am still not over her yet, hence I might be looking at every equation through a rosy lens. I have even questioned the fact that since my ability to "fight through anything" has not been challenged yet, I have no solid ground to make claims about being able to see it through. I have a well documented history of starting most things with too much gusto and losing steam mid-way; can I afford to do that with another human being? No! I have even questioned the fact that is it the reality of me not making that long term connection with anyone which has led me to be so easily attached and hung up on MS? Since I have never been in a long term (or any term for that matter) relationship, I don't know what is the difference between desperation, actual love or wanting to not be lonely. To be fair, I don't have the answers to all of this. By default, I would assign myself to be at fault and desperation to be the cause, but deep down, I would really like to be wrong.

Grateful for your patient ear Alice!

Was it that easy to let me go?

Lights out Alice!

Was it that easy to let me go?

That you never had to look back and go.

Oh what could have been if I would let this grow...

I am back with another monologue on how I am heartbroken, reeling in pain over another failed attempt. I know it is getting boring, redundant and downright pitiful, but hey, that's who I am I guess, the overfeeler and the overthinker. And you know what, I am okay with that tag. I am okay being the person who goes overboard, who does too much, who cares too much, who is available too much and who is straight in their expression. At least this way I am true to myself. Or at least that's the lie I tell myself.

I still fail to see how people bring worldly issues as dealbreakers, because issues are going to be there wherever I go and whatever I do and to me connecting on a deeper soul level is all that should ever matter. Alas, the other person didn't feel the same which I can respect, although it meant that even though there were two people who saw the world in each other's eyes, they had to say goodbye. 

I still remember the moment when I had gone to drop her off near the metro station for the last time in our project stint that we were working together on. Me, being my usual quiet self on the outside but filled with raging thoughts shouting at me and hurting deeply on the inside. I don't know why, but in these situations my emotions are veiled to the point I take all possible measures to ensure that the other person is not able to correctly gauge what I am feeling, at max they will be able to read that I am not in my normal state. To further ensure this, I walked a few steps ahead, because I could also justify it with normal people logic that the roads aren't wide enough for two people to walk side by side. Truth to be told, I just wanted to avoid seeing her face and reading her emotions, because I knew she was hurting as well and I didn't want to know how bad it was for her.

A segue, obviously, because I go off on tangents. I keep revisiting everything, because I am an overthinker, and I keep thinking how difficult it must have also been for her. On my end, it is actually a bit easier on one level and tougher on another. Easier, because she was way way beyond my level (have you looked at her smile!). Tougher, because it was the first time the other person reciprocated the feeling on some level (not enough, for them to want to stay though). To be fair, I do not have enough data on how she operates to understanding the magnitude of pain, but I can definitely understand if the book was closed before the pondi trip ensued and if she was still going through internal turmoil throughout the trip, how much of a mental struggle and battle she must have had to fight to stick to her guts and take the decision she felt would be right for her in the long term. I know she will never read this, but it must have taken a lot of strength to stand your ground and kudos to MS for that (not trying to imply anything about me, just to be clear!). What I am trying to say, is that it is not easy to stay rational in an emotionally charged situation.

Coming back to the original story of seeing her off for the last time.

When we reached the auto stand and after a few rejections by the auto driver, when the last one agreed to go to her destination, I could feel the emotions welling up for me, can't assume anything on her end. But when she got into the auto and it was about to drive off,  she looked back  and that was all the indication I needed to know that she felt it too. I could see the emotion in her eyes, those big dreamy eyes, eyes that have seen so much, eyes that long to be loved and just take care of everyone around her.  Her eyes told me that she was accepting that this would be the last time we would meet in an elaborate manner and they decided to capture everything possible in that moment. Her eyes saw that this was the closure of something she would have continued with had the circumstances been different (again, please don't think that I am trying to tell in any way I was it...I still believe she could and should do way better than a shitter like me). Her eyes, that were trying their very best from shouting any emotion, but I could hear their cry from far away.

I hate goodbyes simply because there have been too many. I grow attached too quickly, but I make very few friends and when they leave, it hurts for a while. Hence, as I grew up, I decided to create barriers that would only let select few in. While this might be a good strategy in the initial stages, if someone crosses those barriers and then leaves, it hurts quite a bit more and for quite a bit longer.

I stood there, watching her leave. Not just for home, but effectively from my life. Even though she had told she would reconsider US, I knew for a fact that she would be rational and not choose us. I knew this was the end. My mind was bleeding, shouting, writhing, reeling in pain and my body was preparing for the pain that was about to kick in. I kept my mask on the outside. I did not react. Normally, I would just be able to turn around and leave. Normally, I would be able to go numb and switch off my emotions. Normally, I would need a few days before it would hit me. But this time, I stood there watching. Watching as what could have been went away. Now for the umpteen time but the only one with the other person also having some feelings. 

I have probably seen the entire spectrum now. One sided and ended, one sided and exploited, one sided and other one hurting, one sided and no emotion on my end, both sided and still ended.

It ends. Oh how I would not have liked this one to...but it did and I hope she finds all the happiness she deserves in life, even though I may no longer be a part of it. It was true from my end, although I question this paradigm and I have not reached a suitable conclusion if the parameters I used to establish whether it was true or not on my end were objective enough.

I still miss her Alice, but it has been a month and now it hurts a little bit less than it used to. I keep wanting to text her, but a little less than I used to. I check pictures and memories that we shared, but less often than I used to. On some level, I knew that time would decrease the pain and to be fair, I don't I wanted it to. I believed that if I was still in pain, she would come back and it would all go back to the way it was again. I know it cannot and day by day my hopes keep lowering. However, there will always be a baseline hope, a level below which it will never go down, because it will be the day when it will no longer hurt that much, but I will keep a place for her, just in case if she ever returns.