Update: Originally drafted on 4th December 2022
Lights out Alice!
I am well and truly drowning in emotions right now and there is no point fighting or denying it anymore. I am not sure if I staunchly resisted it in the first place, regardless of my claims, or whether this is a recurring cycle which will wane in a couple of months ending with me burning another bridge and hurting more people as well as feeding the negative loop against displaying emotions in the first place.
Loneliness hurts, no doubt, but this feeling of limbo, in uncertainty, in quicksand of emotions, in a melted ice cream of my ability to concentrate, is even worse. I take a decision, a stand of sorts, a plan of action on how I am going to control my emotions and not get carried away and end up hurting people or making it awkward. This is then thrown in the bin and I revisit it within the next 5 minutes. I do the analysis all over again and reach another conclusion, which can be the same or can be different from the previous one. Ironically, this indecision is not even the worst part of it.
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