Do you try to evolve, or just accept who you are

Lights out Alice!

What an inspirational quote from Community, Season 1, episode 25. I find it funny and also exhilarating that sit-coms and movies have taught me more about life and doing the right thing than real life actually has. Out there in the real world, it is always about self interest and fulfilling one's owns needs, even at the expense of another. Doesn't matter if the world is a zero sum game, you are supposed to treat it like one anyways. 

Update 29.01.23:

Talking to people is just exhausting for me. Even more so if they are stressed because for one reason or another, I take it personally and absorb all that negativity in me, mostly because I care. This means that I feel really tired after a conversation, a conversation that in some cases helps (or at least I hope so, but I don't think it is the case) put a person in somewhat of a better frame of mind. I need time to recover from any and all conversations and human interactions and this means that I end up wasting my day and to-do list for others, and they don't even care. They just take it for granted and assume that it is "normal". To be fair, bringing my angle into every conversation is a pretty shitty, selfish and narcissistic thing to do but I really hope that I am allowed to start thinking of myself when it starts affecting me and getting to my head. I don't know if the other person is able to understand my need for a break to recover and would provide the necessary time and space or would think of it is as "running away" or getting scared easily. Regardless, I know that if I need the space to think or the time to get shit in my life sorted, I will get it done...or at least I hope so Alice!

I am not sure if I will be in one piece after MBA Alice because the last few months have taken a toll on me. This is bad. I am not able to gauge how bad, but it is worse in the sense that currently I am not able to take the time to recover and it is just building up day by day.

Been a while

 Lights out Alice!

I know it has been a while, life took over and decided to fill my schedule to the brim. Oh what an irony, isn't it? I like being busy but when I am choc-a-block busy I am miserable. I want to do things, but within my comfort zone or just one foot out of it. I get immediately flustered by new things that I do not know the ins and outs of. I seek control and fair understanding of anything that I am going into, hence would not be comfortable  I am a walking contradiction I guess. The days I have no human interaction, I generally go out and seek a bit of it but when I actually interact, I find that I am just wasting my time. 

Why has MBA taught me to be okay with mediocrity? To be okay with not maintaining a routine? A rigour that gets things done, day in and day out, whatever be the circumstance. Why is it that people spend so much time over frivolous things and not enough on things that actually matter, on things that will actually make a difference in the long term? In the right people? In gathering the right surroundings around them? In thinking the right set of things that will propel and inspire better thoughts? Why is it so difficult for me to work on improving myself? To be better? To put in the time without thinking of a return on investment on a daily basis. Just work. Go all in!

Sorry Alice, that I haven't been around much, but hopefully will be back when life has destined me to come back to you.

Back in that place again

Lights out Alice!

The first time I realized I had a tendency to go to that dark place, it was not a very disturbing feeling because I had already seen it go around like a flu in my family. Slowly and over a period of time, when I looked closely, I even found indicators of the same in the world all around me. People, pretending, walking with a mask, while being dead/lost/sad inside. 

I was there for a long time, and eventually worked my way back to some semblance of a happy place. A place where I became comfortable with my sadness, eventually even growing into this co-dependency of sorts wherein I embraced being a "depressionista". 

While I have not logged in the sequence of events that led me to today, but I think I am back in that dark alley. The world becomes a heavy place, waking up is a chore, opening my eyes becomes an exercise with the constant feeling of being tired all the time.

It's bad Alice, because the tools that I have in my belt to keep the sadness at bay are not working. I am constantly overthinking, which is tiring me out and am unable to focus at the tasks at hand. I don't know if it will get better or I just get used to it.

Lights out Alice!

A dilemma

Update: Originally drafted on 4th December 2022

Lights out Alice!

I am well and truly drowning in emotions right now and there is no point fighting or denying it anymore. I am not sure if I staunchly resisted it in the first place, regardless of my claims, or whether this is a recurring cycle which will wane in a couple of months ending with me burning another bridge and hurting more people as well as feeding the negative loop against displaying emotions in the first place.

Loneliness hurts, no doubt, but this feeling of limbo, in uncertainty, in quicksand of emotions, in a melted ice cream of my ability to concentrate, is even worse. I take a decision, a stand of sorts, a plan of action on how I am going to control my emotions and not get carried away and end up hurting people or making it awkward. This is then thrown in the bin and I revisit it within the next 5 minutes. I do the analysis all over again and reach another conclusion, which can be the same or can be different from the previous one. Ironically, this indecision is not even the worst part of it. 

Here we are again...

Originally drafted on 18th December 2022:

Why you can't find someone to share your burden with?

- Is there a market for this even?

- Are the search parameters correct?

- Is there a proper SOP for conducting the analysis? What are the fail-safes put in place to prevent emotion taking over the process?

- How to ensure that the biases that arise because of being head over heels, plus wanting to impress does not lead to skewed analysis?

- How to pace yourself and not over conclude small steps which can be interpreted both ways, otherwise these ignorant small gestures of zero affection and meaning can lead to big disasters. 

Ah...this was inevitable

Originally drafted on 20th December 2022

Lights out Alice! Although you never judged me that way, because you are far too good for that, but this was a question that was inevitable given the way I conduct myself and also it isn't easy for me to show.

"I don't think you have a romantic side or if you can make people happy" - The obvious reaction would be to be hurt by the statement. Yes, I was, but only for a bit because my rationality took over and agreed with this. This is actually the perception. I am okay with that because that is the branding I am trying to create. I am not trying to appeal to ones that only see the short term side of things. Real life, according to what I have been through or seen is filled with things that are more than short term chemistry, romance or even lust.

Counter point to this: But this is important and sets the tone for the relationship.

My point: Does it though? Is the everyday sharing of tasks and me preparing someone a scrumptious breakfast not something in that direction? Can't romance be classy? Can't people be more than basic attraction? Shouldn't doing the little things add up to a big ball of care for that person? 

Isn't it better to show the side you can sustain versus something that is a temporary ball of fire? Life is more than just a few weeks of heightened activities. There are a lot of downs and crappy outcomes that we have to bear. Shouldn't the test be who you would want to go through it all? Isn't everything easier when the times are easy so shouldn't the plan be for when it gets tough who you would want to stand by you and be there?

For me, being actually interested in the other person's growth far more important than the basic short term fun that can be had. 

Is it wrong to be the biggest cheerleader and support for your partner's success? Isn't that R-word enough? Yes, I don't like showing emotions or using the L word, but that does not reduce my emotions or the gravity of it.

Counter point: Obviously, I like...

Updated on 4th Jan: I stopped there on 20th Dec, the original date when I had written down those thoughts. Lot of stuff went down and now this phase is over and I am in a bad place. Not sure if I will come back to this, but I really hope to come back and journal it all.