What does it mean to Travel? (Indore edition)

Lights out Alice!

Being constantly on the move comes with an obvious downside. When you have to stand still, it becomes nearly unbearable. Having travelled a lot in the past quarter as part of my job, the biggest takeaway I had was that throughout the stretch of intense travel, it mostly felt hollow with specs of good memories in between. 

For example, there wasn't a standout portion of the journey to Indore, just the same old airport transfer to the hotel at midnight, a run of the mill high class hotel with fancy furniture and excess pillows, the view outside the window was below expectations and the schedule hectic. 

The visit to Chappan gali where there was a lot of street food was ruined by the fact that I wasn't in the right head or stomach space and the fried food didn't appeal to me anyways. 

The job that I was there for made it worse since I had no active role to play, just a standby observer at best, which added to my frustration. Moreover, the entire occasion seemed superficial, which, to be fair, is the nature of sales. But when compounded with other factors, it was becoming a bit too much for me to stomach.

Coming to the point: What I wanted to talk about when I thought of writing this blog is that I had recently gotten into an argument with SB about what it means to travel. She is currently touring USA and was excitedly recounting how the place is awesome and it has made all the difference to her recently spate of tough months she has been going through. I definitely understand and feel for her and mostly acknowledge that I should not have been the killjoy I was in the moment. I replied and argued that It wasn't the location that made the difference but the people she was sharing it with. This came from the personal observation that I had made because the different fancy locations that I have travelled solo gave me a different (mostly less, sometimes more) experience from when I have travelled with good company/people I care about versus when travelling with company I couldn't care less about.

Which also ties up pretty well with my Indore point. I didn't like the state of mind I was in, I didn't like the circumstances, but the fact that it was a place I had never visited before piqued my curiosity and ensured that I was busy soaking it all in. I liked the general atmosphere, the copious amounts of religious places, mostly because I finally got to visit the place that holds a lot of good memories for the rest of my family who had been here around a decade ago and I couldn't join them back then. More to my point, the city was nice because I had already formed a rose tinted image of it in my head because of the memories that my parents and sister had in this place. While crossing a place that I could recount from the many occasions my mother would have mentioned it, I was filled with joy and couldn't wait to call and tell them all about it. 

A simple memory or a connection making an innocuous temple or a street engraved as a marvellous experience. It is all in my head I guess.

Lights out Alice!

Musings from a Web series

A gentleman in Moscow 

From the opening episode, minute thirty:

It is the business of time to change, Mr. Halecki,

and for gentlemen to change with them...

Oh what lines with deep meaning! I always felt that there was a certain class that everyone resonates with and I was no exception. Elegance and high society etiquettes does draw me in with its personality

Noting down my broad thoughts:

• I am drawn to things with class, something that separates
• However, the divide that being a noble or person with any stature implicitly demands is something that does not sit well with me. In the end, we are all people, (not all are humans or humane) and hence I do not see the point of demanding respect just because one is more fortunate or gifted than another. Not sure that I even identify with communism or the term per se, because I inherently also understand the realities of society and how greed and power is enmeshed with the very core of being for most and is not easy to detach from them. 
• Hence, therein lies a conflict, a conflict of identity and more so the hypocrisy that follows. I want the best of both worlds, while being inherently superior, I want to also be seen as an equal and would always side with the underdog. I am pretty ashamed that I would want the easy way out and hence try to also tell myself that it is okay to have a principle and ideology, but it should not be hypocritical and self-serving. Yes, people want more and that is how society works, but I neither have to stoop so low nor raise myself through tactics to the point they have to look up to address me.
• In the end, we are all going to wither and die. More than death, the fear is that of being forgotten or useless to society, to the point wherein I have to be reduced to a mere spectator as the world toils towards greatness. I know I am not smart or good at anything and haven't really achieved much, but the thought that everyday I have the power to change and do something about it is what keeps me going. If that knowledge was taken away from me, I don't know if I would be able to get up in the morning or go to sleep at night. 
• It then begs the question whether I am infusing my identity with my work and whether that is even a good thing. I do not have an answer for this with enough certainty as I am still deliberating and collecting evidence on this front. For now, temporary findings do state that it is not a wise decision to reduce my being to my work and not have a holistic contribution. A lot was done for me, a lot of things went my way and I have been downright lucky to have met the people I have met and the opportunities that were presented to me. But work in a corporate life has no start, no end and for all the clamouring of our bosses or the collective goal, there is very little point to it all, except to make money. 
• Very little these days goes towards making things better. Most companies, their products, their services and even their workforce is designed or aimed at making the rich and fortunate richer and even more well off. For example, an agri-tech startup might sound like a person interested in making things better for our farmers, but in reality it is more of a concerted attempt at bridging the digital and technological gap in our value chain which can then be harvested for profits.
• In the last year that I have been part of the corporate workforce, I have been clamouring on how work has given me little to no satisfaction, no purpose and no greater meaning that I can get behind. I then go-on to question myself and my stance on this by countering and asking myself what I really think I want to do. I scamper for an answer I truly believe in. I don't think I have the cajones or the brain power required to usher in a new reality. I don't think I have the appetite to be a leader of the people, mostly because I detest against the perils of drinking from the chalice of power and am scared of leading other people on an incorrect path. To be fair, to be a leader you have to be able to live with the fact that you will make mistakes, mistakes that can have great consequences on the lives of the people you lead. 

Never being good enough

Lights out Alice!

I know I am repeating myself here, mainly because I can't shake off the feeling as well. It is true, I will never be good enough. The reason for this will not be the fact that I wasn't talented enough, which I am not, or I did not have enough resources, I do, but the simple fact that I am not doing enough. I am not working hard enough in proportion to the resources that have been put behind me, the amount of good luck that has come my way and the number of awesome people and parents that have guided me and supported me in my whims and fancies.

No, I am not trying to JUST show gratitude, but also jotting down  a bit of a harsh reality. I haven't done enough, I still haven't shaken off my bad habits and I haven't worked my butt off enough to even come in the same stratosphere of consideration of the awesome people I have had the good fortune of meeting every step of the way. Be it the relentless focus and tenacity coupled with brain power of Raj or the sheer combination of excellent physical ability and mental prowess of Anurag, who came from a smaller city to a new and intimidating atmosphere of our school but was unshaken in his resolve to reach his dream. He aced the boards and then also cleared the armed forces officers' exam, all while holding down various posts in school, something that would have definitely wasted his time more often than not. Sheer respect and admiration for the guy for keeping his eyes on the prize. Next in college, I was definitely inspired by Prashant, simply for his simplicity while being extremely talented and countless others in my class, who, despite lacking interest in Mechanical, would be just so damn good at it. I would always be in awe of their ability to just simply understand (or mug up) things which would be difficult for me to grasp, only exacerbated by my inability to focus.

Then came the people I met through Baja and Enduro Student India. The talent at display just left me awe-struck. Starting from that simple primer session on Nuts and Bolt to the sheer level of brilliance that was radiating from IITB team members. Mahek, Mudit and the rest of the team just looked like people from an anime and just displayed immense intelligence to the point that they had an aura around them. I was just happy to be in their midst and hopefully grow into something better.

Alas, all I ever did was manage a barely okay level. I haven't been able to shake off my bad habits and have barely improved on my weaknesses, especially when all these people have found new ways and avenues to grow and reach the next level.

I am pissed off at myself for slacking off and not being good enough. But that's the difference between them and me. They take action and grow, I just write words on a paper (digital) and never follow it up with anything concrete.

I am sorry that you have to listen to me Alice!

There is no flow state, just the constant strife to get there

Lights out Alice!

The moment is almost ominous, and the signs that lead to the actual ominous sign are just as dangerous. The moment we think that we are getting it somewhat together is always a moment that I know is the sign of the beginning of an end. How much does this mindset of mine contribute towards creating such a downfall, that is yet to be determined, but it does make a significant sub-conscious contribution, not different to a novice driver veering towards the obstacle on the road instead of away from it.

More to the point, there has never been a flow state, just the constant struggle to get there and the moment you think you are doing better than you have been for a while, things start unravelling.

The most frustrating part of all this is that I feel like an outsider while things are falling apart. Witnessing my brain actively concoct situations that would ensure that I do anything but the thing that I am supposed to do in that moment.

It takes me back to something that SR had mentioned off-hand during one of our late night conversations..."You are doing great because you are able to hold onto a job...". Here I am, almost six months down the line, on the verge of changing jobs, disappointed at myself for not being able to stick it out here. This has now shot up to become my top fear as I am scared that my ADHD habits coupled with my inability to just fake survive anything for the sake of a job will again lead me to become impatient and make the situation so untenable that I will be left with no other option.

I question every move I make. Some normies try to label it as overthinking. I prefer to call it "covering my bases" or "holding myself up to the same level of scrutiny". The latest round of "scrutiny" begs the question whether I did all I could to rectify the situation that had festered itself at my current job. I counter this by claiming that it was never a long term fit. The counter to this counter comes with the statement that I did not get the "Data Science" job that I could have. Although, other than the title, I have no clue what that would entail or even what this current job entails. I guess I have to stick it out, regardless of how good or boring it is. Sadly, I am not sure I have what it takes and that I have too much restlessness in me to survive a unsatisfactory corporate career. Historically, be it MSIL, LTCEL, SSEP and now CIPLA, I have gotten bored everywhere and what's worse is that when I am bored, I end up ruffling more feathers and getting on the bad side of people around me by being irksome.

I have time to work on my long term, to figure out how to get better, but NO, my brain would rather vile away time because it just does not work without any pressure or deadline. It keeps throwing up "lack of a concrete purpose or pain" error. I have to complete a course that would ensure that I am starting off the next job on a good stead. Instead, my brain would rather sabotage me first and then work overtime at the last moment that which it could have done without panicking from the beginning.

The shitty thing is that I am cognitively and acutely aware of all this and yet I do not take steps to correct it or do the thing that I am supposed to do. It is worse than trying to herd ants. I keep thinking of people who have been able to perform in life when they needed to and get themselves to sit down and work towards a goal, regardless of external pressures.

I guess that's why I will never be good enough Alice!

My meeting with Sir Paul: 2023 Edition

Lights out Alice!

Tuesdays with Morrie was an inspirational book for me. Sir Paul was an inspirational teacher who moulded me into who I am by instilling in me the values and the ability to learn that showed me the way in life. I owe a lot to him and decided to pay him a visit in Kochi on my way back from Gurgaon after finishing my masters. The plan was to have a whirlwind trip wherein I would land on an afternoon, spend the evening and the next day and catch a flight back to Kolkata the next night. I planned on just having a conversation with him without putting any pressure of expectation on either side.

It was definitely a bit awkward as well, not just because of the fact that I am an introvert but also that after all these years we would not have a lot to talk about, or so I thought. Given the overthinker I am, I definitely thought of a multitude of scenarios and conversation starters in an effort to not run of out of content and also allow him to be able to relate and talk freely.

Evening walk around the oldage home

Making me feel at ease by carrying the bulk of the conversation

Dinner with family - son was awkward and everyone else other than sir was not able to comprehend WHY

Next morning, again, sir was pretty chill and hindsight does beg me to question whether it was just me creating that awkwardness in my head

Interaction with ma'am...ma'am being angry at sir - sir wanting me to skip touchy subjects through eye gestures - ma'am creche - hearing her out

Sir made tea, I had lunch - homely meal

He took me to a supermarket. I listened and enjoyed while he showed me around. I don't know whether he was just being a gracious host, but I was just happy to be in his midst and seeing him engaging himself in his retirement.

P.S: Pretty narcissitic of me to think that a conversation like this is charity on my end..not everything is done from my pov

It's actually my mistake : Retrospective SB Edition

Lights out Alice!

Ref: when it ended with SB...that late night last call

She was right yesterday. These are the broad strokes points that I am way off base:

• I am too caught up in my emotions that I have become selfish to the point wherein all I want is the positive outcome without considering if the other person would be happy with it or not
• I am dismissing all "points of dissimilarity" as something I can work on and improve. I am pushing my agenda too hard and being inconsiderate of the other person. HOW THE HELL CAN I FORGET THAT. She is also a human being. Why am I not taking her into account when forming this equation? How can I be so blatantly stupid to think that I am the only one that matters here? How can I be so IDIOTICALLY foolish to think that it is only MY problem...THAT was definitely insulting the other person in the equation
• If the other person is clearly indicating to close the book, why am I bloody forcing my opinion and not taking the NO for an answer. Why am I still looking for hope when there isn't any? 
• 
  

Running on excuses or running out of excuses?

 Lights out Alice!

Oh, it is my pattern. Oh, it is just how I am. I want to be better, but I keep falling back into bad habit loops and negative patterns.

That's just the talk I have with myself on most days about why I deviated from the plan I had made for myself. Social media these days is awash with symptoms of ADHD and why ADHD is a major issue and how neurodivergent people are different and it is harder for them to function normally.

To begin with, I feel vindicated, that I am not alone in this feeling, that there are others out there that find executing daily tasks and maintaining a routine more difficult than solving differential equations. 

However, I am immediately sceptical about knowing this information. I know I am ADHD and I have been one for a while and I know my behavioural patterns (not doing what I am supposed to be doing and writing this blog is one of those). I am just not sure how everyone out there suddenly seems to be ADHD as well, especially because the symptoms and behavioural traits of an ADHD are eerily indistinguishable from a person who is plain PROCRASTINATING and NOT GETTING SHIT DONE. This is exactly where it goes wrong and I do not appreciate the flood of information out there on ADHDers because I know my brain. It will take this as validation of how it is "more difficult" for me to stay on course than "normal people" and begin being even more useless. My procrastinating levels will go through the roof and I will be unable to defend myself from the pushback that it is "so tough being an ADHD" everyday. 

GET ON WITH IT. Yes, you. Regardless of being ADHD or not. Moreso if you are an ADHD because you know that you cannot even give an inch to that primal brain of yours lest your productivity levels immediately bottom out to zero. All that progress in getting yourself to get out of bad habits, adapting good ones, doing the things that have been on the pending list for decades, immediately lost. The struggle is real, because just wallowing about the struggle is another way you are giving your stupid brain an opportunity to focus on anything but the thing it is supposed to be focusing on.

P.S: This kind of internal debate is pretty common for me and what goes on in my head every other minute, which is why I know what I am, regardless of social media diagnosis and I also know what I need to do to protect myself from information overload to ensure that I am functioning within acceptable levels, however I can, because in the end, nobody is coming to save me or give me a longer leash just because my operating parameters are different.

It's all cool Alice!