The truth of life

Lights out Alice!

So much of our life is spend living in an illusion. Of wealth. Of happiness. Of growth. Of career.

We rarely focus on the things that matter or the real things. People are withering. People are lonely. People are sad. They are crying. We ignore these on the pretense that it is just how life is and we are supposed to go on. But tell me, I am sitting here in a separate room, watching the people I care the most about in severe emotional pain and having nothing to look forward in their life. They are miserable and they are barely able to hide it. And I am supposed to just forget all this in front of me and pretend that everything is fine?

My board members are getting old. Retirement is not suiting one and not having any kids at home is affecting the other. Most days are boring, some are downright miserable. Kids don't have time or patience when they call and all they end up doing is talking superficially while trying to hide their pain and turmoil of a dreary everyday existence. One of them is usually the one that keeps their calm when there is no third person in the house which is no easy feat. To bottle all the criticism, mostly vitriol, born out of rage that the other person had no contribution in creating, day in and day out requires a lot of patience. But everyone breaks. People like this who bottle a lot, when they break, they break spectacularly. There is fireworks and everything in their way in that particular moment is fair game.

My job requires me to live far away from them. Their right upbringing has given me the opportunity to stand on my two legs and earn. They made me who I am and not they are the ones who have been left behind. I still hear sobs of wailing in the other room. This has nothing to do with the outburst that occurred less than half an hour ago. It is just a culmination of emotions, mostly circling around the fact that their kid will go away in a few days and it will be just them again, with nothing in their lives to pass the time. Retirement, I tell you, is the real disease here. Not having something specific to do everyday leads to the situation where people have too much time and nothing to direct their attention to. No grandkids, no kids to send to school or office, no office. Nothing to get them out of bed. Slowly and surely, routines start withering, motivation starts wavering. You take that one extra hour to get up from bed, initially telling yourself that you are doing it out of the freedom that lack of responsibility offers. Later you realize that you have just been lying to yourself. The reality is that you no longer have the drive, the motivation to do anything since the issues that used to press for your attention previously are no longer there and a habit that was built over the past two decades now no longer drives your life. You are lost, but more importantly, you are now old and unwilling to start from scratch all over again to develop new habits, patterns or friends.

A vagabond life indeed

Lights out Alice!

As a kid growing up, there was a part of that believed that a job involving travel to different places all year round would be the coolest thing. Well, years on, I am currently living this life and my dear past me, remember that little part of you that was yelling from far back that this would suck. Guess what, he was sort of right. Let me elaborate, but before that let me recap my 2023:

Jan - Feb - Gurgaon with travel to my sister's place and back; don't forget long distance cycling, especially to the remote hill outside of Gurgaon near Faridabad without informing anyone that was dangerous as hell and I had zero cellphone service.

Feb - May - Kolkata with a trip to Gurgaon for Convocation. Pretty difficult to adapt from a million miles an hour pace that is MBA to the waiting game that is the lull before joining a job. Add to this a turbulent personal headspace with my inability to keep my calm and not get angry and lose my cool. Add to this a job offer that took up a lot of time in preparation and abruptly vanished.

June - July - Mumbai - Grant Road with evening travel to Vashi. Pretty much the hotel stay with the sweetest view ever. Surrounded by skyscrapers, Krishna Palace Hotel has pretty much the most stonking views of the luxury life in Mumbai. There was a certain calm that I felt having a room with a view of the ocean, the entire south Mumbai landscape as well as the night sky littered with stars.

August - Mumbai - Gurgaon - Sikkim/ Rangpo - Gangtok - Kolkata - Rangpo and then Mumbai- The factory visit was pretty spectacular in terms of the view it provided and entirely polar opposite in terms of the work level satisfaction. The job sucked pretty bad, but since my board of directors kept reminding me that this is supposed to be a training exercise and pointless by definition.

September - Mumbai and Navi Mumbai - Finding a place and furnishing it exercise- Andheri - The year long search for a suitable place was going horribly wrong before a stroke of luck and poetic turn of events where I walked into the broker's shop I joked about last year during internship as the one that would help me find a place. How funny it is that I ended up finding a place to stay in the same locality as my internship period. What's even luckier is that the place is stonkingly clean, the society pretty decent and location pretty much a stone's throw away from the bus stop and the airport. 

October - IB Stint - In 10 days - Nasik - Aurangabad - Pune - Vishakhapatnam - Chennai - Pondicherry - Back to Mumbai

- Also met a person that was special to me who ended up saying goodbye even though her eyes didn't want to. I don't think I will be getting over her anytime soon and damn dude, who could have thunk it that a person of her league would ever be interested in a shitter like me. She ended it, but she left me broken in a million pieces. I don't resent it, but it definitely hurts.

November - Domain Stint - In 10 days again - Ahmednagar - Jalna - Beed - Mumbai - Varansi - Gorakhpur - Azamgarh - Jaunpur - Varanasi - Mirzapur - Varansi Dev diwali - Mumbai

That was pretty crazy, so much so that in between I did need to recharge and slow down but I did get through it. Sadly, my bosses didn't think that the survey exercise, which was pointless in the first place was done to the required extent.

December - Survey part 2 - In 4 days - Mumbai - Ahmednagar - Beed - Solapur - Back to Mumbai

Mumbai to Kolkata and Back

December - Visiting Home - Kolkata and back - Not before messing up my flight and having to pay an exorbitant amount last minute for the mess up. Plus having little to no patience when it comes to my home situation. Forgetting that there is a reality that I had to live with for a while and nuking a situation doesn't get anything done. In the end, people cannot be forced to listen to what I would consider facts, just because I am uncomfortable in dealing with different people and their beliefs.

That's a lot of travel Alice although I can guarantee that I have not reached anywhere in life or made any real progress!

State of affairs, connected with a movie

 Lights out Alice!

Movie that I really connected with because I was going through: Elemental

"Embrace the light while it burns, because it won't last forever"

Why did this movie move me so much when it is essentially just another feel good romantic animation with a happy ending? Pretty much the run of the mill plot, but the execution is what made it stand out. The way different elements (I know, bad pun) had their environment moulded according to their needs, wherein it all made sense and even though on first take it would be confusing, on further analysis, made me go ah-ha.

Also there is a personal context that should account for an additional 30% increase in likeness.

• Recently heartbroken (see for ref: M.S. edition).
• Circumstances were pretty similar to the movie plot, except that we did not have a happy ending. We were two people who were worlds apart in their upbringing, but two souls who connected when they met. 
• Currently reading Creativity Inc., by Ed Catmull, who was the founder of Pixar and this book is pretty much exactly my type of reading; personal anecdotes with hindsight analysis on what can be attributed to good, bad, wrong, right and the downright lucky. 

The longing for belonging

Lights out Alice!

Now before you going harping about how the title is grammatically incorrect, I know it is, but it was done so that it rhymes.

Coming back, let's re-establish some baselines before we begin the brain-drudgery for today.

I am an ADHD. I am an introvert who has never been in a relationship and has been rejected six straight times to which I conclude that I probably don't know healthy habits and end up caring too much and holding on for too long, which shows up as clingy or desperate. I am also weird, but that's just innate me because I don't care about a lot of worldly things and just care about a few specific things which I devote energy to. I also have a lot of energy, coupled with ADHD, leads to hyperfixation and jumping from one task to another with too much enthusiasm and zero completion rate.

Now comes the actual point for today:

Travelling makes you forget. Forget through the paradigm of newness. New places, new scenery. For a curious analytical overthinker like me who needs every detail, it keeps me engaged.

But when there is a moment of stillness, which is always unsettling, where the constant cacophony that is my brain, quietens down, is when you realize that you are all alone in life and there are few people you can share your innermost thoughts with. I am grateful for the people I have in my life, my stakeholders namely, but over time you realize that they cannot be asked to substitute for the other set of people that I lack in life. That deep down, all of us just wanted to be understood. That even though I would like to show that I don't care, deep down, I just want that one person to care. To just walk up to me and tell me that they see me down and would like to know what caused it. To just be by my side and occupy the same space, not always needing to speak to be heard, just being there.

Funny thing, MS pointed out that the last person she expected to be a hopeless romantic would be me and on the outset, given the hard exterior and aloof nature that I put out for the outer world, it would track. But the reality is that we are all pretending, me more than most. I have been hurt far too often and am far too introverted to wear my real emotions on my sleeve so I project it through my idiosyncrasies and general weirdness.

At some point, it stops hurting that much and you start taking every small win as they come for what they are. At some point, you stop and take stock of how lucky you are to be in the position you are, that even though there might be miles to go and you might be here on the shoulders of the support extended to you by others, you are still here. I know that nothing I will do will ever amount to anything tangible. That most likely I will end up being just another corporate slave, that I was never academically significant to make any contribution. But what I cannot live with is not trying. I will try like hell. Be grateful of what I have like hell and hope to hell that something comes along and even if it doesn't, smile for the journey I have had.

Thank you Alice!

My musings: Bus to Ahmednagar Edition

Lights out Alice!

The only part of my job that I like is the travel involved. Travelling is good because it ensures that I do not have time to sit with my thoughts although I am currently writing about the thoughts that transpired when I was waiting for the bus. However, when in motion, procrastination and negativity does have a backhand and I am slightly more productive and able to write and think on things that I want to. The following paragraph is a small stream from the constant deluge that goes on in my head.

I resonate with being the underdog. Having been hurt quite a few times, which is still less than the pain I see around me, I am able to take one glimpse and see the burden or the pain that they carry in their eyes.

Standing in the bus stop, waiting for a bus to take me to Ahmednagar, I saw a guy sitting and staring off into the distance. One look and anyone could tell that he is going through a lot. His sunk eyes, surrounded by a sea of blackmarks, trying to make sense of it all while teleporting him into a place that has nothing to do with his physical location.

Looking at him and then thinking about my privileged life, I realized that I am lucky and that even though I would like to call myself strong or someone who has gone through a lot, the reality is that it has been a while since I have actually been the underdog or have had to fight.

I would like to, but I don't think I can justifiably call myself one among them while sitting in my ivory tower. I haven't been a fighter in a long time and that did hurt me.

I have realised, mostly because people have pointed this out, not because I felt it so (and I disagree with this because this is the only way I know), that I am a very sensitive person. What I don't get is how am I supposed to be okay with the pain I see all around me and go on in my merry way and enjoy life. But this is also symptomatic of a people pleaser and maybe all my life all I have known is how to live for others and not for myself.

It's over: MS Edition

Lights out Alice!

I guess it had been coming for a while. My recent posts must have indicated an urge to text that person that would have meant disrespecting that space that the person requested and had terminated everything two months ago.

I think I felt some sort of loyalty that I would be breaking if I moved on, something similar to what RS felt in my case. I was pretty annoyed by that and I guess by texting (way to bury the lead I know) MS today, I pulled off the something similar and it evoked a similar reaction.

I asked to meet. Her response was tepid. When pushed why, she claimed I would try to bring up the past again and that I had no right to do that after essentially maintaining zero contact for two months. I did justify it by saying that it wasn't the case, but as a true overthinker, I definitely second guessed myself and ended up thinking that deep down maybe I wanted that. 

However, if I truly ask myself that question, the only thing that comes up is the fact that I wanted to get closure. I had been hanging on to a thought, a thought that she would come back or want something and that if I moved on too early, there would never be a chance. But this was taking a toll on me and I was slipping everyday. Deep down, when I pressed for a meeting, I think I wanted a one final answer of whether I should stay or leave. However, it turned ugly and it leaves the other person with a poor reflection of me. To be fair, even I would cringe on my cringe worthy actions. But hey-ho, I just wanted to let go and this was the only way I knew how even though I know for a fact that there might have been better or healthier ways out there where the other person does not lose respect for you.

I would never want to rub anyone the wrong way (at least deliberately) or leave a bitter taste in their mouth, especially the people I want to impress, but I guess this is the fourth time I have done this. I still haven't ascertained why and how I formed this toxic habit of ending things in an ugly manner, but sadly that has become my default and my conditioning.

Oh ADHD, the things that thou dost make me do!

 - But it would also be shifting blame and responsibility, because ADHD did not make me get hung up on her...it was just me and my bad decision making coupled with not being taught the right way to form or get out of relationships on account of never properly making friends, let alone being in a relationship.

In this present moment though, there is a high, a cathartic relief of being free, of not having to carry a burden, of not dragging the anxiety fueled by waiting patiently for a person who will never come back. This won't last, I know that. The pain might come back and I WILL do stupid things that I will regret later. I will make mistakes. Will probably repeat a few red flag patterns that I have shown in SB and MS editions.

I definitely have a lot to figure out about life and especially drawing the line in relationships. I hold on too tight and I let go too late. I should not have texted MS after 2 months, because it would obviously lead to her having a bitter aftertaste of ever talking to me, but I also knew that if I didn't do it, I would be stuck thinking and waiting for a day that would never come. 

I needed to normalize and humanize her and the situation, to tell myself that there is nothing left, that she is never coming back. 

That it did not matter that I thought it was true, it ended. 

That for the first time in my life, the other person also felt something, however fickle, it still ended.

That I tried giving my best, probably put in too much and scared her off, it ended.

Did I go overboard by showing too much affection at the start and putting too much effort...probably, that's what MS told. But do I think I would change my ways for the next time a person comes around...not, really no since I have a pretty bad memory and I tend to repeat my mistakes.

I guess I am just not good at relationships....that's how the cookie crumbles I guess...

I forgot I was an ADHD-er

Lights out Alice!

It's funny how I keep looping in the past, not letting go of MS in my head and in the process unravelling myself and years of progress. Then I also remember that I am an ADHD-er. I was already walking a thin line of productivity and getting shit done, which is now broken.

My discipline, my ability to be productive, my focus and daily progress. All gone. Kaput. Starting from scratch is the only thing that is left. Frankly, it isn't a bad thing since this time I can work on building a better mental model, but given how I am and my track record, I will probably make elaborate plans but then end up slipping back to old habits leading to a poor execution. 

Shit man, I am such a shitter...because I just dream of big things, make big plans but execute less than 1% of it. I am just another sweet talker, but the only person being fooled by this is me.

Further, I am still hurting. I am still not over her. I keep reminding myself that she was way above my league. She deserved better. She deserved anything that is not me. She told no and I am supposed to respect that and stay away. But God it hurts. It hurts like hell. It continues hurting non stop because my overthinking brain extrapolates all the previous experiences and makes it such that I am barely hanging on under the weight of all my issues, most of which stem from my head. The paralyzing part occurs because my brain is in hyperdrive and still longing for MS which means it doesn't stop hurting day or night.

Now, obviously I will question everything. Is this longing stemming from the fact that I am alone or was it real? Was there a real soul connection? Did it break me apart. Yes, but I don't trust myself anymore to be objective. 

It just hurts Alice and I keep wanting to go back but I know she deserves better and hence I shouldn't!

I just keep wanting to text that person

Lights out Alice!

It is easier to talk about space than actually giving it. I keep wanting to text M.S. Ask if it was that easy to move on. Find any reason to hate so that I can tell my brain and my heart to move on. Not a good practice and all it would achieve is hurt the person's progress, if required, in getting over this incident (harsh word, I know).

I am hurting. I keep wanting to not feel lonely. I keep wanting company. I keep wanting anybody to come fill the void that has been made more apparent now that there is no academic purpose in my life and I am in a new city with zero responsibilities.

Life comes in waves. A good person is able to deal with both with utmost grace. Not rejoicing too much when joy comes around and also does not let bad times affect them enough to change their course of action. 

I don't know if it was the compounding effect of all the rejects, but this one took a toll on me. There would also be a percentage contribution from the choice to stop going back to the online platform, because I felt tired and did not have the energy to want to go through the drudgery all over again.

The right way is to take a break from all this. To get back to the basics, build good habits, take care of ourselves and utilize the time on self growth goals rather than superficial engagement and shallow outings. I have done it numerous times before but this time it has been quite a bit tougher than the previous ones. I do not know how long this will last or if it ever will, but I do know that I need to do better and see through this.

Hope I can find the strength to not do anything foolish and work on healing myself Alice!