Lights out Alice!
A focal theme in most of my pointless blogs circles around me thinking clearly or clearly struggling to do so which causes a lot of frustration. I really do not like when I am unable to visualize a topic completely, which generally means I am unable to understand it completely or have not had enough time to think through it in my head, despite there being first hand spoken description given by people about it. My brain just flat out rejects anything that it has not come to by itself. It likes live in a delusional mirage that all the conclusion or insights that it (my brain) gains from any piece of information is original and unrivalled work that nobody else could have gotten to, even though it might be the most obvious answer out there or ten people around me would have told the exact same thing.
Regardless of this sad modulus operandi, this is how my brain likes to go about doing work and hence this is how I have to go about anything. However, the frustration mounts when I do not get time to sit by myself with a topic and think through everything in my head first or separately. I am not able to constructively contribute in a meeting if I have not prepared. I do not get the logic of working in a group and figuring out/ brainstorming creative ideas while in a meeting. Not saying it is not the right way, since for some people it is the best way to get their creative juices flowing and get the best out of them. I just need a slight step added to this beforehand. If I have had time to sit with my brain and go through the information beforehand, I am not cranky, not anxious, not antsy, not impatient and off-hand with people. If I have done my homework, I am at peace with myself and my situation and am able to give extra leeway to anything that goes awry. Now imagine a situation wherein I have spent a few hours doing nothing, have no clarity on what I actually need to do and have just being given contrasting instructions from my manager/ boss. I would be furious, snappy, argumentative, snobby and borderline rude.
What I have found to be effective is to have some time alone before I start my day or work to go through what I have to do. Create some semblance of a structure or a plan. Post that, first go in and get some of my personal work done. Once I am happy with my status is when I can start thinking of following up or getting into group work. However, therein lies a key flaw. As you grow, the job is less and less about doing your own work and more about managing other people and their work, which does not strike my fancy at all. Being the hall monitor always feels like a sellout job to me. I do not see the point even though this is currently where my life is headed. What is funny is that the society actually pays people more to monitor other people who are creatively gifted and underpays the geniuses and the smart folks who come up with creative solutions.
Isn't the compensation pyramid upside down? Why are the people who manage the creative people paid more? Why are the people who ACTUALLY do the ground work, or work in the fields valued like cash crops and why are dum dums like me sitting in an ivory tower with no understanding of the acumen it takes to drive change paid more?
Why isn't physical labour valued? Why is a farmer considered less important than a person concocting shit for a marketing campaign? Maybe I am looking at the wrong scale or way of measurement since on a financial level farmers might be lower but contentment CAN be greater, although there is no hard and fast guarantee on this.
I just need to be better and actually meaningfully contribute to society Alice!
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