I might forget you but I won't forget how I felt and now I fear I can't go back to who I was

Lights out Alice!

I know she has moved on, although there wasn't anything from her side to begin with anyways. I really hope that even I can move on after a point in time. But deep down, I know that I probably won't ever forget the feeling. In case I do, I hope I come back to read this and see that at this point in time, in this moment, it felt true. Regardless of the issues, the shenanigans, my incompetence and every other problem out there. She made me grin from ear to ear. I still wait for her texts, casual as they maybe; it still holds a special importance for me. I wait for that text like a ritual. It has the power to make or break my day. When I go back to those memories, it is a moment wherein I do feel like it would all be okay. I had a rough couple of days till today and all I felt in these trying times was that I was not strong enough to see through it. That I was not able to control my emotions. That I was letting my anger and frustration get the best of me and letting it rule over my rational judgement. Considering the same situation, but when I was with her, meant that I had the irrational and undying belief that I will make it through. That I will fight whatever comes my way and see it through. I will keep standing.

Now let's listen to the devil's advocate inside my head: All this also leads to the question that I am being too obsessive and am just doing this because I don't want to be alone in life. This might just be me holding on to imaginary situations that never existed in the first place.

Continuing from the first para: Now, I am broken in multiple places and multiple pieces. I don't have the courage to go on, the will to fight and sometimes my overthinking on the situation gets so bad that I don't want to continue. The worst part is when I misplace my anger, frustration or doomsday reaction at something that was totally solvable with a breath and a calm mind. This just adds to my frustration. Then the realization that I let somebody and an imaginary scenario make me weaker brings me to a boil. All this leads to the crescendo that is existential crisis and panic: What if I am never the same person again? What if I am needlessly angry and back in that terrible place again? What if I forget how to be kind and selflessly there for people? What if I am mistreating the very people that helped me get here so far?

*Curls up to cry in a corner

Hope I make it Alice, but more importantly, even if I don't, hope I minimize my mistakes in hurting people!