Hello Alice!
Just wanted to pen down some thoughts to put life and my over-reaction to it into perspective. I claim to be in the moment kind of guy, but what I really am is anxiety-ridden to the point where I can barely enjoy anything without getting the feeling that I am slipping and falling behind. These last two months of laid back and easy vacation has been pretty nerve-wracking as it makes me question if I actually will amount to anything in life and disregard whatever little I might have achieved. There is sanity in contentment and currently I am anything but content regarding my situation. This is a bad loop that only fuels impulsive action, lack of commitment to long term growth work, aimless mindless binging and time wasting and increased anxiety all while ensuring I do not actually enjoy the moment. Riddled with fear, paranoia, meaningless existence, dread of being a nobody, takes over. In desperation, I force conversations that end up pushing people away. Just my head doing its normal daily stupid things.
I also realized that I have a perpetual need to prove myself. To be competitive. To know more because I feel that if I keep trying, I can eventually succeed. While this relentless attitude helps in getting things done, what I am starting to realize is that it is dog chasing its tail situation where I will never be content and will keep chasing a goal that will always keep running away.
Next bad trait is my inability to take feedback and take a chill pill. I take everything to heart and way to seriously and immediately let it get to my ego. I am becoming petty and vindictive, something that is toxic and ends or badly damages a lot of relationships. I am okay in relationships where people are asking me for something, but am uncomfortable and borderline sabotaging in balanced ones or even ones in which I am the benefactor.
Another toxic trait is my need to seek out sadness and pity. I really like blaming my past or my situation for how I constantly but subtly in an advanced manner seek out pity aka attention, but it is my bad habit and I should own it, more than that, stop it. I have become a needless exaggerator, a person who wants to be the victim or the David in every situation and become the underdog and the hero of every story. I might claim I don't need people, but my actions and reactions in a group are on the contrary and definitely attention seeking.
I need to get better at controlling my stupid brain that victimizes and sabotages every good thing and spirals out of control when everything is normal looking for a way to become the underdog. This brain only functions normally when stressed and under the gun with deadlines or work. In essence, the tune in my brain is only designed for optimal performance at WOT (wide open throttle) whereas I need to work towards making it more balanced and delivering decent performance all throughout the rev range.
Lights out Alice! Hope I put SOPs in place to become better!
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