Just a reminder that I suck

Lights out Alice!

It's been a while since I wrote something here. But it's the same drone. I suck, mostly because I just don't like showing too much emotion, even when it is warranted. I am too worried that I was not able to handle myself in the best way when things went wrong previously and hence I do not deserve to enjoy the moment, for if I enjoy it, then I will not be able to complain when pain comes around the next time around and I would have deserved it. Is it that or just the fact that I have had to many previous bad experiences immediately after a good thing to make me conditioned in a pavlovian manner that if I actually feel happy then when the sadness comes next, which it usually does, immediately, it will be warranted. 

I haven't been in the best of states lately given the limbo in deciding between staying back in Kol or joining in Mumbai. The state of not having a concrete goal or something to work towards is just pissing me off. I am procrastinating and it is driving me crazy. I need to get myself sorted and get back on track as this is not going to work.

Lights out Alice!

The best videos and articles I have come across in this week

Lights out Alice!

Mechanical and Automobile engineering will always be pretty close to my heart and hence whenever I come across cool technical articles or videos, I am taken to my happy place. Here are a few of the best readings and videos I have come across in the last few days:

• Marshall Pruett on what Indycar teams do to re-sticker the cars after a parts change: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pMYtZGWTGo
• TL;DR : Awesome video highlighting as to how Team Penske keeps a binder containing sticker dots from different parts of the cars in current livery to ensure that whenever a bolt or part is replaced, the aero is not disturbed

• Marshall Pruett on what engine warmup procedures look like in the Indycar paddock: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wworyc4j_PI
• TL;DR : Warm-up procedures on a racecar are what geeks like me drool over. The complexity of the different sub-systems working together while the need to ensure that proper sequence is followed is what OCD dreams are made of. To top it off, warm-up revs are pretty sweet to hear as well

• The RedBull powertrain inside scoop: https://www.racecar-engineering.com/articles/f1/red-bull-powertrains-rbpth001/

• How China is strategically ensuring control over the EV industry: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2023/05/16/business/china-ev-battery.html 

• What does it feel like to drive a Le Mans Hypercar: https://www.roadandtrack.com/car-culture/a43727196/driving-glickenhaus-le-mans-hypercar/

Afternoon musings 17.05.23

Hello Alice!

Just wanted to pen down some thoughts to put life and my over-reaction to it into perspective. I claim to be in the moment kind of guy, but what I really am is anxiety-ridden to the point where I can barely enjoy anything without getting the feeling that I am slipping and falling behind. These last two months of laid back and easy vacation has been pretty nerve-wracking as it makes me question if I actually will amount to anything in life and disregard whatever little I might have achieved. There is sanity in contentment and currently I am anything but content regarding my situation. This is a bad loop that only fuels impulsive action, lack of commitment to long term growth work, aimless mindless binging and time wasting and increased anxiety all while ensuring I do not actually enjoy the moment. Riddled with fear, paranoia, meaningless existence, dread of being a nobody, takes over. In desperation, I force conversations that end up pushing people away. Just my head doing its normal daily stupid things.

I also realized that I have a perpetual need to prove myself. To be competitive. To know more because I feel that if I keep trying, I can eventually succeed. While this relentless attitude helps in getting things done, what I am starting to realize is that it is dog chasing its tail situation where I will never be content and will keep chasing a goal that will always keep running away.

Next bad trait is my inability to take feedback and take a chill pill. I take everything to heart and way to seriously and immediately let it get to my ego. I am becoming petty and vindictive, something that is toxic and ends or badly damages a lot of relationships. I am okay in relationships where people are asking me for something, but am uncomfortable and borderline sabotaging in balanced ones or even ones in which I am the benefactor. 

Another toxic trait is my need to seek out sadness and pity. I really like blaming my past or my situation for how I constantly but subtly in an advanced manner seek out pity aka attention, but it is my bad habit and I should own it, more than that, stop it. I have become a needless exaggerator, a person who wants to be the victim or the David in every situation and become the underdog and the hero of every story. I might claim I don't need people, but my actions and reactions in a group are on the contrary and definitely attention seeking.

I need to get better at controlling my stupid brain that victimizes and sabotages every good thing and spirals out of control when everything is normal looking for a way to become the underdog. This brain only functions normally when stressed and under the gun with deadlines or work. In essence, the tune in my brain is only designed for optimal performance at WOT (wide open throttle) whereas I need to work towards making it more balanced and delivering decent performance all throughout the rev range.

Lights out Alice! Hope I put SOPs in place to become better!

I might forget you but I won't forget how I felt and now I fear I can't go back to who I was

Lights out Alice!

I know she has moved on, although there wasn't anything from her side to begin with anyways. I really hope that even I can move on after a point in time. But deep down, I know that I probably won't ever forget the feeling. In case I do, I hope I come back to read this and see that at this point in time, in this moment, it felt true. Regardless of the issues, the shenanigans, my incompetence and every other problem out there. She made me grin from ear to ear. I still wait for her texts, casual as they maybe; it still holds a special importance for me. I wait for that text like a ritual. It has the power to make or break my day. When I go back to those memories, it is a moment wherein I do feel like it would all be okay. I had a rough couple of days till today and all I felt in these trying times was that I was not strong enough to see through it. That I was not able to control my emotions. That I was letting my anger and frustration get the best of me and letting it rule over my rational judgement. Considering the same situation, but when I was with her, meant that I had the irrational and undying belief that I will make it through. That I will fight whatever comes my way and see it through. I will keep standing.

Now let's listen to the devil's advocate inside my head: All this also leads to the question that I am being too obsessive and am just doing this because I don't want to be alone in life. This might just be me holding on to imaginary situations that never existed in the first place.

Continuing from the first para: Now, I am broken in multiple places and multiple pieces. I don't have the courage to go on, the will to fight and sometimes my overthinking on the situation gets so bad that I don't want to continue. The worst part is when I misplace my anger, frustration or doomsday reaction at something that was totally solvable with a breath and a calm mind. This just adds to my frustration. Then the realization that I let somebody and an imaginary scenario make me weaker brings me to a boil. All this leads to the crescendo that is existential crisis and panic: What if I am never the same person again? What if I am needlessly angry and back in that terrible place again? What if I forget how to be kind and selflessly there for people? What if I am mistreating the very people that helped me get here so far?

*Curls up to cry in a corner

Hope I make it Alice, but more importantly, even if I don't, hope I minimize my mistakes in hurting people!

The sustainable competitive advantage that I hope to develop

Lights out Alice!

Just a reminder post to myself that there are no absolutes in life. What we might feel is wrong today would make sense tomorrow. What we might think we are too good for today might just be the very reason we are brought down to our knees tomorrow. 

Hence, instead of being rigid in our understanding and absolute in our perspective or prospective explanation, we need to ensure that we put an asterix symbol in everything we believe or do, the symbol signifying that it was the conclusion that was reached at that particular point in time using available information and understanding capabilities, none of which are fixed or absolute.

What should be the approach then? It should be one of open mindedness and the ability to accept that our point of view can very well be wrong. That the conclusions that we made at that previous point in time were incorrect. That we took a very narrow approach to understanding the situation and the lens through which we were looking through had the incorrect focus, thereby distorting our focus. 

Furthermore, the biggest thing that we can do is always ASK QUESTIONS. Ask them regardless: Why do I think I am right? What arguments is being presented as to why I should be wrong? What is the new data being presented? What did I overlook? What am I not considering? Where is the other person coming from? What is the mindset that is leading them to come to this conclusion?

I really hope that in the end I should never stop asking questions or even questioning myself on everything. The biggest advantage I can have at any point in time is the humility to eat my pride and go back and recheck my questions and answers.

Lights out Alice!

About a few people I met in college

 Lights out Alice!

about_a_few_people_I_know = {

  "Partha": "A nerd with body of a jock and heart of gold. Crazy good at a lot of things, be it singing, partying, studying, thinking, doing or even being there for people. Over optimizes for his own good but will most definitely figure out his place in the world.", 

  "Tavish": "Too mature for his age, which is also a burden for him to carry. Needs to understand that figuring out one's place in the world is not important, it is more important live in the moment while charting one's path.",

  "Sneha": "Caught between leaving everyone behind to reach greatness and turning back and stopping to let people catch up and not make them feel bad. It's okay to achieve greatness and the good ones will always find their way back to you.", 

  "Titiksha": "Crazy and eccentric is what she wants you to see about her, caring and contemplating is what she is inside. With the number of careful experiments she is running about how to be human, she is going to figure the equation pretty soon",

  "Biswal": "I hope he finds his way soon. Hope he is not becoming his worst enemy. Don't worry though, he has got his work sorted. He will always come through",

  "Sumant": "Fighter. Selfless surviour with a heart to serve and care for others before himself. Will give the last morself to others even though they might not have his interest at heart."

}

#Creating a list of all the names I have written about in the dictionary

names = list(about_a_few_people_I_know.keys())

print("Welcome inside an atom of thought inside 227's head. It's pretty dark in here so let's not go shedding light in places beyond what is already lit. \nTo find out what my thoughts are about a few people I had the privilege to observe closely, choose a name from the options below\n")

print(names)

choice = input ()

print("A snapshot of my thoughts about this person is: \n")

print(about_a_few_people_I_know[choice])

Motivation has dwindled

Lights out Alice!

Given the recent horrendous run of events, one of which ended up in me breaking my phone in a fit of rage, it was only logical that I would lose motivation to do anything productive with my time. To be fair, my productivity was down the drain before this and my procrastinating ability was through the roof. The torrid sequence of bad choices that led to intense and vocal arguments, all leading up to me losing my cool was just the icing on the cake.

While my sheer inability to control my emotions isn't new, the sheer lack of patience that I have for anything less than logical (which is the last thing people use when arguing) is baffling. I was never the most patient person definitely, but I wasn't this bad. I wouldn't get consumed by rage this early in a discussion where people are using illogical arguments. I thought my ability to process myself through logic would allow me to give others a bigger rope in a discussion for using subjective and incorrect opinion over objective understanding of the situation. But I think I am carrying the fog of going through a bad situation in the last two months of MBA along with the incorrect notion of what zero supervision and the freedom to make your own decision without regard for others brings about. This means that I am misdirecting my pain and anger, leading to incorrect analysis of situation, gross over-reaction and uncalled anger over people that did not cause it in the first place. I am pretty anxious all the time, unable to calm myself down and the lack of a concrete goal or to-do during this holiday seems to be adding accelerant to the rapidly burning fire in my head.