I guess I am a liar

I was thinking of going on a bicycle ride and pushing long distances. Not the kinda thing one would immediately think of doing in this Delhi heat but immediately my justification came to me that it would make for a great story. 

I keep forgetting my principles. I know that if something is done for the sake of telling others, one might as well not do it. This generation of social media has taken over us to the point wherein if one does not shout out every detail of their world to the world it does not exist (one that does not care, might I add).

I am just being a liar and a storyteller in that case right? Doing it for somebody else or to brag or to sound cool just negates the very point of doing it. I had adhered to the principle previously. 

On the contrary, isn't it okay if I am trying to be the person that I consider cool? To do the things that would inspire me and not just be cool in the conventional sense of the word? Am I pretending if I am genuinely excited by these things?

What is it about being Vulnerable?

I can take a joke. Or I thought I did...I can roast and be roasted back...or I thought I did.

In most cases, I am never really pertubed by what people say about me or my quirks. 

However, these past few months when I was swooing over a person, every roast that they made felt like it was the end of the world. It made me question my worth, my existence and shattered me in a million pieces and scattered my mind in a million directions. 

Why did I get hurt by this? Why is that person saying such mean things to me? Why are they being so mean? If they are roasting me do they think I am important or do they feel to the same extent that I do about them?

I have made this mistake before with SB and extroverts in general, where little attention, which for extroverts is not a big deal, makes me feel too many things, mostly unwarranted and definitely unreciprocated.

I can and have been running all the permutations in my head, trying to catch signs of where there was any affection shown and where I wasn't wrong in my assumption. The truth is, I was wrong.

The shitty part is that I didn't mean to break their trust, but I did. I know they will be more guarded than ever and I apologize to the overlords out there for causing this.

What I also have realized is that I am pretty bad at this. I am wired for overthinking and overassuming whereas people do not operate at that level and it scares them off. I am and will forever be NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I am not sorry about liking somebody but I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to keep it to myself because they were not at the same page.

On the flip side though, I would also like to question if I am allowed to feel bad about myself? If I am, then I would like to add if I could have been let down better? Could their have been some grace show instead of making me feel like the shittiest piece of shitter on this planet who only had an ulterior motive all this time? 

Obviously I can have feelings for a person, emotions are generally not in our control, but if I was being bratty about it or giving my emotional baggage to someone else to handle then I would be wrong. However, I just confessed my feelings while also being understanding enough to say that I know they don't feel the same and I am there to figure out how how to best deal with it. 

I didn't ask them to deal with me but I am getting upset that they didn't care enough to actually think about how I may be feeling? Goes on to show their side in a way. It could simply be that they might be overwhelmed and not know how to deal with it. Or that I spoke too much and they thought I had figured it out all by myself and it is pointless to try and explain.

I do talk too much. I don't have shit figured out. I am just as much of a mess as the next person, if not more. I am broken. I need a purpose that drives me and a creative outlet that occupies me. I need to sort my shit out first and then worry about who I let in. I made a mistake in letting people in. I should not have...

Thoughts when I am spiralling

There is rejection and then there is whatever happened to me or keeps happening to me (this is now the second time it has happened)

In this RC chapter, I have to call out one of my key behavioural patterns that I have figured out. When I am expecting reciprocation (mind you, it is all in my head, and I had no real data to back it up) I have ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT patterns This was bad. I was unable to regulate my emotions properly and my moods did depend on the other person and their behaviour at that point, which obviously they weren't trying to be deliberate about. I am flagging this as pretty bad because it would have definitely muddied my data and ability to read the situation. This reeks of desperation. Time and space will most likely tell me that it was un-wise of me to be so naive.

Although, I would also like to counter it by saying that I knew the consequences and I knew it was a long shot and even a no shot, but I chose to take it. Courage or desperation? I will never know!

All I know is that my actions have hurt a person that I really cared about because I betrayed their trust and ended up losing a friend in the process. The devil's advocate in me does ask if I could ever just be friends with her because I saw her differently and I would like to say no, but I also have SB data and currently whatever happens, I know for a fact that I am not going back there.

I know I have to pay up for the hurt I have caused and I am ready to do that, but for the life of me, if I could find a way to make it better or repair the hurt I have caused, I would do it. I want to stand up and take charge but I have little control over how it goes. I have to pull back and wait for the other person because the ball is in their court and unless they allow me, I have lost all the rights to initiate a conversation. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I don't know how to solve this. A safe space is what everyone deserves and I don't know how to help create one anymore.

Shit. I really went and outdid it this time. Should have kept my mouth shut. But I still don't believe that I should have kept it shut. I still believe in telling it. Those 30 seconds...were they courageous or stupid?

Musings of the day

Musings:

You know what I will accept? The fact that it wasn't enough for the sigmoid function to give the output as 1. But don't you stand there and tell me that it was a flat 0. It sounds desperate and it probably is, but how can I be so wrong all the time? How can my parameters for evaluation and assessment be so far off that it has always been misunderstood or misconstrued?

I know curation of a personality that will perfectly fit with the expectation of the other person is a normal and expected trait of an ADHD but was it really all that it was? Did I fail to see through this pretense? Not even a glimmer of lapse on this front? Or it could very well be that I only saw the portions that would fit in line with my expectations.

What I still don't get is people's expectation of similarity. No, obviously two different humans cannot have the same point of view or have all their interests align. Even if it did, is it even the right metric for evaluation? Wouldn't I want the other person to hold themselves to a standard that I would aspire towards? Wouldn't  I want the other person to have the potential for growth and ability to have open-mindedness over sharing the same interests. Actually, now that I write it, both do matter, but surely they can't be such detractors in case of a mismatch?

I can't guarantee the future, but how does one show that one is willing to see it through? Through thick and thin? The hard part, to stay and figure it out? I don't know what other ways can I prove my diligence and the very fact that I am thinking of projecting it makes me feel like a fraud who is faking it. These things are ingrained in a person's psyche and in the end it is a matter of reading people and trusting them.

WHY ARE WE SO AFRAID OF TRUST? Why are we so afraid of taking a decision and living through the consequences?

I made the mistake again: The RC Chapter

It happened again. I went and made another mistake. I fell for somebody who clearly wasn't into me. Just because they were kind and extroverted, I took it incorrectly. I mistook a nice human being for one that would be interested in me.
It wasn't that the signs weren't there. All the signs were clear as daylight. No, not the ones that would point towards her being into me, but the other way around. Signs that clearly stated that I was nothing more than just a friend. The constant jabs, the clear stories on the past where introverts have mistook her, the fact that she wasn't interested in most men because they didn't understand her background and many more.

Well, I would like to give some grand explanation as to why my data analysis pointed towards interest from her end, but to be fair, it would be BS and just me trying to find data to fit my narrative.

Also, I would like to apologize to the higher powers out here for setting out on this path. I would like to apologize for causing trouble and making a person think twice about being nice to anybody else in the future. I did not want to reinforce that men are stupid (NO, I never crossed any lines...EVER!) but having feelings when clearly the other side was not interested was stupid on my end.

I would also like to argue on my behalf and remind that emotions are generally not in control of humans. Humans have historically done stupid things and I would like to continue that trend. I am not ashamed that I fell for the person but ashamed that I saw the data and yet wasn't strong enough to overcome my emotions with rationality.

For the past few weeks before the eventual confrontation about the matter, I was pretty wound up. I was overthinking, anxious all the time, letting small things get to me. I was spiralling out of control.

Today, once this discussion was over, once she clarified that there was nothing, not even a single percent of interest from her side and that call ended, I am surprisingly at peace. I have been here before. I have made mistakes before. This I hope I can handle. I have been rejected multiple times before, this is not new. Obviously, my background, my height issue, my personality in general is going to be the deal breaker .

A simple question can be posed, what was that about her that I liked? Simple really.
I fell for the intellectual connection. The banter, the ability to speak without talking, to exchange a look and get what the other meant, even understand the unspoken insult that was hurled by one person to another. We fought (playfully). Like cats and dogs. All the time. Argued. Annoyed the hell out of each other. Yet, after two minutes we would be back to talking terms and in another two minutes we would go back to annoying each other. Rinse and repeat. Maybe to extroverts or other people it isn't a big deal. For me, however, this level of intellectual connection is rare. We thought similarly. We reacted the same way and dealt with things the same way. I didn't have to think about she would react, I would just trust her. I know this was pretty one-sided and assumed by me, but I thought this was a big and rare deal.

Maybe (I know) I think too much. I give too much weightage to emotional connection. Not many people do, not even the one I thought would do in this case. I was wrong. I have been wrong before and in the matters of the heart, I am mostly wrong all the time.

I liked the fact that she was forgiving and let my mistakes go. I could be real with her and she would accepting of the same. I cannot go as far as claiming if she was being real with me, although I would like to hope that I created enough of a safe space for her or anybody to talk to me without being guarded.

I am sorry that I complicated it. I do not know how to actually convey how sorry I am that I caused somebody else mental or emotional pain.

Sometimes doubts do creep into my mind given the fact that we would still each other at work whether I am making the other person uncomfortable. Again, let me re-iterate that I did not do anything untoward or crossed a line, just admitted to having a crush. That's it.

During the discussion, there was a part where I said, "I called out my feelings because I wasn't strong enough to deal with it myself." I don't believe in this statement. I believe in the fact that I felt something about it strongly enough to call it out, however, I also need to be mature enough to accept that it wasn't reciprocated. I really need to figure out if I can improve the process. I would like to assume that it takes some guts to call out what you believe in and handle the fallout maturely, but I can be wrong.

Is it a sign of weakness to be vulnerable? To admit to doing things incorrectly and asking for help? I don't know a lot of things and I am supposed to pretend that I know what am I doing?
I used to think there was merit in feigned intelligence and knowledge but now I no longer believe in it. I believe it is okay to look like a fool to the world. I don't get why we are so worked up over protecting an image of a perfect person who has no flaws. It took me a long time to wear my weirdness on my sleeve. I now push who am in terms of my weird interests first and then the rest. I am still the same person, or try to be at least. I don't have malice but I don't think people think of the same of me. I can't control that part and I don't want to be misunderstood, but I would rather have my conscience be clean over words.

How was I wrong in all of this?

I felt insulted. It wasn't the first time. It is always hidden inside jokes. The subtle. The ones which were snide and ugly on the inside but corporate enough to be harmless looking on the outside.

I called it out. I made it known that I did not appreciate it. The mistake I made was not being staunch enough about it. I was apologetic about it. This was used to my advantage. This was used to pin it back on me. The conclusion that was derived from the discussion was that it was my incorrect assumption and overthinking.

Ya right, bro! I don't have enough of a spine to call it out. But I am not stupid enough to actually believe the manipulation, don't worry. I know what I said. I don't think  I put it incorrectly and with passage of time, I don't regret what I did, just that I didn't stand up enough for myself.

The best poem I have read in a while

 I am Google Maps and I am in therapy by @viplavwrites

"So... how are you feeling today?" 
the therapist asks, 
pen hovering over paper like it's waiting for me to crash again.

"I don't know,"
I say.
"I guess I'm lost. 
Ironic, I know. 
Or just burnt out from always knowing the way."
She nods.
I tell her about the pressure.
How I have to sound confident 
even when I know the road is flooded.
How I reign in my seething rage 
and keep rerouting 
for the ones who don't listen anyway.
How they blame me 
for the traffic, the potholes, the wrong turns.

I tell her
about the couple who broke up 
mid-commute.
I had to keep giving directions 
pretending like nothing happened 
while she cried in the passenger seat 
and he pretended like nothing was wrong.
I tell her about the time
I took someone to a 'Ring shop near me' 
and to the nearest pawn shop shortly after.

I can't find the courage to tell her 
about the guy who missed someone's last breath 
because he trusted my quickest route.
It still haunts me-
The loud smacks on the steering wheel 
and the silence that followed 
while I rambled on, 'your destination is on the left' 
like an insensitive prick.

I feel the weight of lies they tell.
About reaching in 5 
when we are still an hour away.
About heavy traffic
when it's blue all the way.
About knowing shortcuts
when they don't.
About being at the pickup point
when they aren't.

But not all days are bad.
I like it when they share
Live Locations with a loved one at midnight.
I like telling them their loved one is home.
I enjoy being ignored
when they take the longer route
after a date.
I love revisiting cafes, book stores and theatres 
almost ritualistically.

I tell her
I can't remember the last time someone
actually 'reached' a destination.
Everyone's in a rush 
to leave where they are.
No one knows where they're going (clearly).
Sometimes, I wish 
they'd just stay 
somewhere. 
Anywhere.

She writes something down.
Then says, 
"You're not broken. 
You're just exhausted 
from carrying too many people 
who can't carry themselves."
She may be right.
But I don't want to quit.
I just want someone to say
"We have arrived."
And mean it.

Waiting...

Waiting...

But for what?

For those three seconds of euphoria that will help justify every pain that you had to go through?

What happens after those three seconds?
What thoughts and realities strike us?
What responsibilities bound us and remind us of the chain that is tied to our ankles?

Are we ever going to be free?
What really is freedom?
If you bring about anarchy, will you be free or just ignorant of the needs of others?

When you are free, are you letting people down or shrugging off your responsibilities?

Written ages ago and  found while rummaging through my old laptop

I am and will forever remain "NOT GOOD ENOUGH"

You know what struck me today after losing another person that I hoped (but did I?) would turn out to be important...I always look to understand a person (obviously I am not without faults) and the other person always looks to match a checklist.

Sadly, I never quite stack up to their wishlist, quite literally and metaphorically. This is now the third time I wasn't tall enough for them. It is not like I can do something about it. I can understand why nobody would ever want a compromise like me.

I can understand why nobody would ever in their right mind choose me...I am short (since it has been previously used by people), I am weird, my head is a mess and I have a way of functioning that is frowned upon by society, mainly because it doesn't fit in a box.

I know it is all coming from a place of hurt and contrary to what I am writing, deep inside, all I would like anyone to show is even a fraction of care and affection that I show these people who either trivialise it or reject it outright. I long to be cared for the way I care. I long to feel like somebody would actually care for me, check in with me and hold space for me.

When I finished my undergrad, I had the simple excuse that I never tried, but now that I have finished masters, worked for a couple of years and been rejected from all avenues possible and nearly 30 it is a clear sign that I am unwanted and not worthy. Why would anyone bother over baggage that was rejected by everyone else? I wouldn't blame them...It just hurts.

I even think back to SB. I am in the position she was back then. I did show unconditional care back then and was still not good enough. 

Am I not worthy of something conditional even? A morsel? A trinket? Something? Anything? Anyone? Am I that bad a person? 

I guess if the data points to it, then it must be true.

Staring into the abyss and screaming into the void

Back at that dark place

Things have been pretty bad mentally these last few weeks and the shitty part is that I tell myself that I am not allowed to feel this given the insanely privileged position I am in. The weight of it all has been getting to me. People pleasing is draining me out. I am in a very bad headspace and the grind is slowly and surely withering me away.

The same thought whirling around and around: I am not worthy. Nobody could ever want me. I am just a burden. People tolerate me and it has never been the case that I have actively been chosen for what I am...they just happen to be compromising in the rare event that they decide to bother having me.

I am guessing that the heightened insecurity is because the avenues have closed down (online) and that last bit of hope has died. To gnaw at that scab, having a socially extroverted friend is draining and a constant reminder of all my insecurities: I am short, I am ugly, going bald, I am a failure, nobody likes me, I am annoying, I am narcissistic and make everything about me. It is not just a particular thing that is said, although a lot is said about me, but the fact that it is now a proven pattern and has even historical data to back it, going back over a decade.

To be fair, RC was never going to happen and it is my mistake to take attention for anything beyond. Am I that desperate? Should I want this less from another person? Do I not respect myself even 0.1% for me to not accept this morsel? Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I people please to the point where I am bending over backward, unwarrantedly, to the point I am setting expectations of reciprocation that the other person never agreed to or was even aware of? This is definitely my issue. I need to course correct. I need to recharge my soul.

It has been bad before and is bad now, but that doesn't mean that I cannot survive. Over time hopefully it gets better. My head stops being my enemy, but even if it doesn't, I hope I can get used to this feeling and learn to adapt.

Not all of us get what we want. At every juncture, I have never got the things I was originally aiming for. Most of the time eventually, I have been helped by a superior power to get to the place I needed to be. This sucks but I don't think I deserve anything more and am pretty lucky to even have gotten here.