Oh deary me, not again!

Lights out Alice!

I look at the pattern and the words I have spoken each time I have gotten my heart broken and it makes me feel like a fraud. I repeat the same things, feel in similar ways and all I end up doing is begging them to stay. Is that bad? Is it my fault? Do I make it that suffocating?

I was looking back at the chats I had written to myself, which I generally do when I am deliberating what I need to write to a person, and it made me feel like I have a set pattern and behavioral traits. What scared me was how they all ended the same, with me begging them to give me a chance to show how I could be the right fit. This scares me because it begs the question whether I even know what I want out of a relationship or a partner or am I that desperate that I would go for anything, which would then turn out to be unsustainable in the long run or a bad situation for the other person because they might take it that they are not getting the treatment they deserve.

Going back to the SB days, I remember writing this after coming out of a long CAIML analytics weekend session. I remember being busy, enjoying drowning myself in work because it would give my overactive brain a useful outlet.

Smile, because you have made those same mistakes before.

Smile, at the pieces that lie broken on the crimson floor.

Smile, as they walk out through the broken door.

Smile, because you have seen it all before.

Smile, as it all ends and it goes back to the way it was before.

Smile, because nothing is ever going to be the same anymore.

Thank you Alice and my board of directors for being there for me!

Why can't I choose to focus on the good?

Lights out Alice!

It ended. It was always going to. The writing on the wall, the inevitability was there right from the very beginning, more so for me since I have been broken far too many times and have deeper issues.

I have been brooding and reeling for a while now. It hurts, not just because of MS, but of my overall situation in general. Also, because brooding and neglecting other parts of my life is the easy way out. My brain is lapping up the opportunity to just blame every one of my problems on this situation even though in reality they are separate disjointed things.

I keep forgetting that my restlessness, my inability to focus at the task at hand and my inability to finish what I start has always been there with me, my one true companion, the real issues that I need to constant deal with but I always neglect.

Amidst all the pathless walks that I keep undertaking to distract myself, 95% of my time is filled with negative thoughts and finding ways to blame myself and try to fit scenarios on how I could have behaved differently to get a better outcome. 

But right now, for a change, I think I will force myself to think of the good things. The moments I shared, were beautiful, etched forever in my mind for the peace that I felt in them while knowing through every passing second that I might never feel like that again.

Driving for hours with her, the slight panic but putting up a brave face search for our hotel at 2 am, might just have been mundane moments, but with her by my side, it was a different and a new feeling for me. Having company is not a common occurrence for me, unlike going on driving trips, having undertaken multiple solo trips to places out of curiosity or boredom. This company was special for the simple fact that I liked her, but I also couldn't bring myself around to confess the same. My internal debate told me it would not be wise to mar the trip with this topic and hence decided to enjoy the trip without any added pressure or expectation.

I enjoy driving. I enjoy being on the road. This trip was a notch above though. The Chennai Pondi route was a road in exemplary state coupled with being pretty safe and scenic. To add to the mesmerizing beauty of the sea on one side and rolling green landscape on the other, the company inside the car had already taken my breath away. Not just by her sheer beauty, but also through how disarming she could be. She could just make me want to put down my barriers and want to talk to her. Tell her everything. Hold her tight. Fight against anything that might ail her. Become her safe space. But since I couldn't enunciate any of this, I settled for enjoying the road while stealing glimpses of her smile and her face, hoping to permanently tattoo it in my memory.

I woke up early, hoping to watch the waves crash as the sun rose from ostel the next morning, for we both could barely sleep even though we only reached the hotel at around 3 am. What was surprising was that she could not sleep a wink as well. It was only later that she confessed that thoughts about us were keeping her awake as well. She had the utterly tough job of walking away from what she thought was good for her. No, I am not trying to say I was good. NO. On the contrary, she deserved way better and I still think I was way below what she deserved. But what I meant that it is never easy to have the ability to think rationally in every situation and it takes nerves of steel to stand firm in every situation, which she did, gracefully at that. She could embrace being in the moment, while never letting the moment sway her. Well, shit, because even though I received the raw side of the deal because of this, this ability to hold steady and stay rational just elevated her in my books. 

Another moment that just will stay with me forever was the experience of bunk beds, something that I have only seen in the movies. Ostel had pretty well maintained bunk beds and the experience was pretty awesome. Other than having to share it with strangers obviously. 

The heartfelt discussion we had while lying in our bunk beds like kids was a moment of carefree bliss that I don't think anyone ever gets to share. Past, future, the good, bad, relevant, pointless, it didn't matter, because we were sharing a bit of ourselves with each other. The conversation had elevated beyond the point of discussion, and it was as close to old couples winding down after a long day of work than as one could get. I guess that was the point of it, from both our ends. We were subtly trying to judge each other on what it would be like when the exuberance fades away. When the veil has subsided, when there is no excitement to learn about a person, when it is just you and them, and when it is no longer new and exciting. This is where it starts to hurt. Sitting here, a few weeks post the event, I can't remember what we were discussing. Which is why it hurts. It didn't matter. I wasn't trying to stay in the conversation. I was just enjoying the conversation, without any need to pretend or sub-consciously trying to keep the flow going. We worked. The conversation clicked. There was no need for any dressing or extra effort on my end to make it work, a thing that I generally have to do with others. I don't know how it was for her on her end, but this is why it still hurts. I connected with another human. Maybe it is normal for people to connect with other humans and not lead to anything, but for an introverted socially awkward person like me, it is extremely difficult to reach this and be able to walk away like nothing happened.

Sitting on the attic and discussing start up ideas, her laughing at my lame jokes and then posing for a impromptu photoshoot. The smile on her face, the radiant glow...

An indelible mark, a scarry reminder

Lights out Alice!

For some people, it is never about how long they stay in your life, you know they are going to leave a scar once they leave. More often than not, they leave sooner than you would like them to. But the inevitability of their exit from your life seems like a constant, like the setting of a sun, even when it is hiding behind the clouds and you cannot see it, you know it is going to get dark soon.

With people like these, who touch you so deeply, you know, as soon as they enter into your life, in the famous words of Taylor Swift, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in...". Add to this the fact that I would like to believe that I am perceptive on some level and can call out how things are going to play out while they are unfolding and things go from zero to hell pretty quickly. No, I am not delusional or overestimating my abilities. I am just another overthinker with a shit brain who thinks of all the potentially bad scenarios in every situation, cannot take any positive and prepares for anything going right by sabotaging it in the different ways he hypothesizes in his head they are going to go wrong.

Not all scars are bad though. Some you want to go back and see again, just to remind yourself of what you went through. 

The smile. The gentle brush back of hair locks. The blushing that was accompanied by a forward head tilt. The genuine laugh at the lamest of my jokes. The caressing touch of her hands as she would endearingly shoo me away for pulling my usual shenanigans. The peace of being in the moment with her. Obviously I do not have any part of my future figured out whatsoever. But in that moment I tell you, I would fight tooth and nail, to my last breath to make it work, to make her stay.

It wasn't to be. She had to go away. I sit here welling up at the thought of what I lost. Not the friendship, no. I knew I liked her too much to ever be able to be just friends and I would have withdrawn regardless. I lost what could have been. O, how I could see for a moment in her eyes, her caring, loving dreamy, but also humongous (no, I am not that lost in my thought, I can still crack PJs) eyes, that she felt the same.

At first, or actually, throughout, I always questioned what she saw in a shitter like me. She was better than me in every respect and could have guys lining up across the alley who would be head and shoulders above me, both literally and in terms of acumen. In my head, I have always been used to having unrequited feelings for people, most of which I keep to myself because I see the other person doesn't see it on the same level and then let it pass. What was different about this was that I could see the signs, I could see how there was some form of liking for me. It baffled me, still does, that someone would actually like me on any level, and I all ended up doing was trying to find situations that would prove to my head that it was all in my head and I was imagining it. 

My usual SOP post things ending, because they all end, sooner rather than later, is to figure out if it was just a in-the-middle-of-the-moment-thing (infatuation) or was it ever true. Did I just get caught up in the emotion of it all, or did I have sustainable lasting reasons for the same?  

Was I just searching for anyone to be with and not able to see the flags or the long term part of it, or was it that I was able to take a look at the rational facts and understand the practicality of it all. To that end, the facts were simple. We were poles apart in terms of both beliefs and lifestyle preferences. But I always put up the counter, which I still believe in (which also makes me question whether I am still able to objectively able to assess it or not), that it was a gap that could be bridged over time. No, it would not be easy, but it wouldn't be particularly hard if the core equation, which is whether two people like each other or not, is aligned. Again, I don't have the future figured out and I cannot guarantee a tomorrow, but it was exactly this very understanding that gave me the confidence to turn around and say, if nothing is a given anyways, why can't I place my bet on this? Why can't I fight for what I believe in and give it a try and as long as you are there by my side, all I can promise is trying to make it better? It might not be a bed of roses everyday, but I will try to keep you isolated from as much as I can. Isn't that what grown-ups in real life do? Isn't figuring it out and working on it the very essence of what growing up is about? My engineering education always taught me that equations only work in a controlled setting and in real life there will always be parameters beyond our control. All that means is that there is no point trying to make anything fit a mould. Look at a situation ad-hoc, examine its merits, take into account the variables you can see, adjust for those you cannot and them for some that might show up later.

You make it work. It is not about the perfect person. It is about finding the one you would want to go through the everyday mundane with and making it work.

You know what sucks Alice? This wasn't enough to make her stay...she went away too...

In the end, they all left...

I wish you would have stayed, I would have fought...for us

Sit Rep: 22.10.23 edition

Lights out Alice!

I had the weekend free, which meant that I had too much time on my hands. I have been pretty vocal in my mental board meetings these past few weeks, nay months, about how I was not getting enough time to work on the things that I wanted to and hence attributed that to my increased restlessness and feeling lost and without a purpose in life. Turns out, it wasn't about the amount of time (actually I knew that deep down as well). It was just about DOING IT. 

I wasn't executing to the level I needed to. I was slipping because I was focusing more on the talk than the action. Action requires one to shut up and do, I was focused more on the PR than the actual work, the dirty, mucky, grinding hard work.

I have forgotten how to just sit and concentrate for any duration. One might think that implies several hours or so. NO. It is so bad that I can't even concentrate for 15 minutes. I always had poor ability to sit and focus. Even on my best days, I could barely do 30 minutes in one sitting and only on rare occasions could I touch 1 hour. 

I get stuck in a rut. A rut of wanting to execute so badly that I put off other things, but I am also too restless to actually sit down and do the work because of the habit that has been built on procrastination. All this does is achieve absolutely nothing all day, not even resting properly or working one bit. To top it all off, my headspace goes to shit as well. 

Additional factors that seem to be contributing to increased restlessness and procrastination:

• M.S and how the overall effect of that beyond her is playing in my head.
• Being alone in a new city and more importantly being away from home during Durga Puja
• Having gotten used to slacking off for the past six months. My head has gotten used to talking about the work more than doing it and feels like just complaining is enough and not taking action to change anything about the situation.
• Increased procrastination because I have been getting by with little to no effort in the past six months
• SERIOUS LACK OF DIRECTION AND PURPOSE in life. Probably a case of post college blues. Life has changed from directed, focused, filled-to-the-brim-with-work to barely enough work, boredom, loneliness and no immediate goal. I don't have anything specific that I need to reach in the next two years...no major growth, just survival. I don't think that's the right approach and it is the surest way to decay, but right now I have lost my path and purpose. 

I am not that motivated by traditional factors that most others would be, but that is an excuse because I haven't dived deep enough to figure out what I actually want out of life. Not just that, I am also procrastinating on figuring it out. In my head, I can procrastinate because I am thinking about it hence I can log it under making an effort, but since I am not actually sitting down and figuring it out, I don't have a goal to work on, I don't work on anything which means that I can officially slack off while thinking I am always slogging. I AM NOT. I haven't put in the right amount of work in a LONG TIME now.

I really need to get my shit together. I really need to start rebuilding, because I don't see it but I am below zero and have crossed over to the negative side. The fog of daily routine has taken over and I am not able to see how close to the precipice of the mountain of complacency I am.

Lights out Alice!

P.S: This blog was effectively me procrastinating against the actual work by first jotting down my headspace. Oh how deep the tumour of complacency and laziness has spread in me!

A look back at the past: SB Edition; 29th Dec, 2022

Lights out Alice!

Given the recent turn of events with M.S and me reeling over the pain of another failed attempt, this time due to real life constraints (although I still believe they are parameters and not constraints), I was looking back at my notes to see when I have recorded my innumerable lines of thoughts that I have every passing second.

This is an excerpt from 29th Dec, 2022 when I was reeling over SB and it was probably my first steps in understanding how this works. With the benefit of hindsight, obviously there were a lot of things wrong with me and my understanding and especially not really knowing what I wanted out of this other than companionship. Fast forward to today and M.S, I can safely say that I have not really learned as much as I should have and committed made the same mistake of doing too much too soon and scaring the other person away. Although, this one gave it a much deeper thought and was more considerate. I would be stupid if I would compare and ever say one person was better or worse than another. It were different points in time, different people, different circumstances. SB never had anything. M.S did but knew her realities. MS was the bigger person. The only constant in these equations was me and to that effect, I should have grown and been more mature and not push the agenda more than once (I only pushed it twice), which I think I failed on.

Anyhoo, the thought note from 29th Dec:

Shit. There is no hope left I guess.

Sometimes it is not reciprocated and there is only that much you can do when someone does not feel the same way about you.

Can you really make anyone love you? Make them feel the same way about you the way you look at them? Make them see the same future that you see in your eyes when your eyes spot their smile. Yes, the real one and not the one that they plaster on their face for the world.

Shit, I really thought she would come round to my view point.

But that look that I saw in their eyes when they talked about the one they feel about left me with very little hope. I basically heard the same emotions that I had, just that she had those emotions for a third person, not me.

Damn dude. It hurts. Sucks because she was a great listener and people reader. But I guess my simplistic world view doesn't fit her requirements.

I wanna cry, but cannot. I wanna run away but cannot. I have to be strong. To be her friend of sorts because she needs one right now. Which hurts so bad.

The pattern repeats itself: M.S Edition

Lights out Alice!

Well, here we are. Again. Writing about the same thing. Again. I did too much, too soon and scared the other person away. This is the seventh time overall and fourth really hurtful one. On the trot. Never been able to get the other person to stay. They all seem to run away. Obviously, if it is the seventh time, I am doing something wrong. Oddly enough, but consistent with who I am, I haven't changed my approach and what's more, I wear my approach even more loud with each pass. 

What went wrong with this one? Before we begin with that, let's lay some groundwork to establish why this one would hurt the most till date.

M.S SHARED THE FEELING! Holy crap yo! Till date, the others had to be goaded into seeing my worth and then they would run away seeing my brand and how much effort I would put in (too much too soon). SB never had anything for me and I was so desperate and naive that I would still put in massive time and effort behind her while knowing it would never be reciprocated, at all.

SRao never intended to continue, but for some reason engaged for long enough for me to get attached and then broke it off suddenly, which did hurt for a bit. HArora actually started off on a different scale, with different headspaces and approaches which meant that we were on different pages and the writing was apparent on the wall by the second meeting. Regardless, I did listen and HArora did share for a while before deciding to move on. Another instance of being used and thrown away like Linc Ocean gel.

M.S actually had feelings before me but realized that our circumstances and environment will never allow for us to be together and in which case it was better for her for kill those feelings than let it grow. However, what she did not account for is me having the same and actually going up and confessing the same. We were working on a project at the time and hence I did wait for the project to be over so that there would be no muddling of work. However, by that time, she had cleared her stance and was sure that there was no point of going into anything with me since there would be no future together.

My timeline of failures till now:

{Duration-Codename-Situation}

• 3 years P My end, my imagination
• Not significant  ST, NN  My end, my imagination
• 5 years NOTHING AT ALL, LIKE ZILCH
• 2 months KP My end, me being exploited
• 4 months SB My end, tough time on her end
• 2 weeks VT Not interested
• 3 weeks SR Not interested, chatted, ended abruptly
• 3 weeks HA Different tangent, chatter, ended
• 2 weeks RS Interested, I wasn't
• Not significant IT, Doc, ISH They were looking for something else
• 1 week MS SHE WAS! I was! Circumstances weren't

10 years of this. 10 long years and nothing till now. Nobody stayed. Nobody gave me a shot.

To conclude, I am pretty old now and haven't been in any kind of long or short or any-for-that-matter relationship. I don't think that's a good thing. Further, it will always beg the question going forward whether I would be just desperately seeking company or checking against compatibility and other long term sustainable criterias. At this point, I am questioning if I even have any criteria other than just wanting the other person to stay and hear me out.

Am I that bad? Do I suck that much? Am I that weird?

Lights out Alice!

A walk back in time: Vizag edition

On most days and most occasions, when I do not have the time or the opportunity, I will be overflowing with topics and ideas I want to write about and just like every other procrastinator out there, when the time is there, there is abundance of excuses and dearth of concrete action. Sometimes, however, there is a way around this. It is usually around the time when I have procrastinated for far too long and pent-up frustration over large periods of inaction leads to a burst of hyper-activity, in which a lot of things are taken up simultaneously, lot of creative ideas flow through at once and rarely do but a few things get completed. 

I am currently in Vizag, a city which brings back a mixed bag of emotions for me. It might have been one of the very few occasions that my entire paternal side of the family was there together. However, in my family's context, it has a ominous meaning more often than not that there is a serious illness or death in the family. I lost my grandfather here, around eleven years ago. I still remember the day vividly. I still remember him being declared brain dead and looking at his comatose body breathing through the help of ventilators. I still remember looking at the heart rate monitor and other vitals and seeing them drop. I remember being explained about oxygen saturation percentage and how it could be directly correlated to the functioning of the brain.

I remember us waiting for the hospital to release the body. All of us in the waiting room, some crying, some wailing, us kids stunned but largely aloof. I remember looking into my dad's eyes and seeing the pain. Pain that he was trying hard to keep behind the tower of responsibilities that he had to undertake to ensure that the entire family and the support structure did not come crumbling down. I look back at this moment specifically because I then scoff at my non-issues issues that I fret over in my current state. I am disgusted at myself these days because I have very little real world responsibilities. I can hear my parents and their pain or their loneliness on most days through the phone, but can do very little about it. I am such a coward that I do not even engage properly when I get the slightest hint of them having a tough time, because I am not sure I can stay strong. The part that I am worried about is not that I will break down but that I generally try to force rationality in times like these, which is exactly the wrong thing to do. People want solace and comfort, not rationale and logic, which even though I know inside, I will try to shove and then get impatient and lose my cool. All this does is escalate the situation from what would have been a 4/10 to a 8/10 just because I could not handle myself.

I remember sitting in the hearse, by his side, towards his feet, towards the back end of the vehicle, looking outside throughout the journey from the hospital to the burning ghat. I was sad, but I wasn't as well. It was a new feeling for me and all that I was thinking throughout was how I would miss him, what would my father have to go through, the hell that my grandmother would have to face from now onwards and how things will never be the same again. 

Flash of the lights from passing traffic. Sun had set beyond the mountains but there was another half an hour of fading light left. Suddenly I am transported back to our home in Kolkata. I am back reliving one of the many almost ritualistic afternoons when my grandfather would come over from the hall to sit with us and have a cup of tea. What I vividly remember was how he sat. Always at the corner of the bed, always just taking the minimum amount of space that a human of his size would need as well as his age and the inflexibility that comes with it. He was wise, no doubt and had a habit of exacting perfection from everything that went around him. More than perfection, there was a certain way things were supposed to be done and he ensured that people around him knew what the way was. Yes, it felt a bit dictatorial and imposing at the time, but the best way to soften feelings about anything is to let a lot of time pass. Today, I just look at it as a pecularity and can just gloss over the pain and suffering that it let to, especially for my mom. Although, he really cared and was always on the lookout for my mom's best interest. He was a simple person and he knew what he wanted in life. I respected the hell out of him and his oddities made him endearing in retrospect and frustrating in the moment.

Patience or lack of thereof

Lights out Alice!

Something that I have mentioned time and again that I need to cultivate and that I deeply lack is patience. I have seen it time and again that Patience is miraculous but requires a lot of, well, patience. Regret is mostly there in my life to throw the same phrase again and again, "If only I had held on/ been a bit more patient/ tried a little bit harder..."

Not just in anything I do, but in my approach as well. I am impatient in that I make plans but do not put in the effort that is required to execute the plans. Get impatient. Start thinking that I am not doing enough. Forget about the original plan. Start from scratch. Spend too much time making plans again. Realize mid-way that I had made the same plans before. Lose steam and repeat cycle.

The few times that I see things were the times in which I did get what I was planning to achieve, if not more. Not saying that my expectations have to be met every time and that I need to win all the time, because that's exactly the impatient approach. I can take my time, I can wait to see how it unfolds and I NEED to put in the effort. 

Takeaways (aka to myself: listen here, you shit):

• Execute
• You can't do everything
• Give it time
• Put in the effort
• Define your own metrics
• Set in stone your goals and what is driving you, not related to anybody else
• What do you want out of life?

The last one is very important. I can run, I can run faster or burn myself out anytime...but for what? What's the cause? Why is it important to me? Why am I pursuing this? Do I like the process or just want the outcome because I need to be okay with the process as well

WHAT'S MY WHY?

WHAT'S DRIVING ME?

WHAT ARE MY GOALS?

WHAT ARE MY METRICS?

Movie review: Whiplash

Lights out Alice!

Why hide it...I do watch movies, regardless of how cool and geeky I would like to pretend I am and how beneath me it would all be for me to watch sappy things like movies.

Good will hunting, Dead poets society, Perks of being the wallflower (all time fav), Hugo, Jojo rabbit, The school of rock are some of my top tier favourites. I am pretty sure I am only remembering a small sub-segment of what all I like but definitely something that inspires me to do better or talks about an passion or pursuit of excellence is something I would definitely give it a try. My understanding of my type would be that I try to search for meaning and excellence in these movies as well as something that would either reflect how I am or how I would like to become. Further, values and levelling up through inspiration and perspiration is right up my wheelhouse.

The list: The blind side, The pursuit of Happyness, Shawshank Redemption, Death Race, Gridiron gang, The Upside...

Not to say that I did not like Rush Hour (all 3), Harry Potter franchise or even Batman (especially The Dark Night rises).

Pattern that emerges - protagonist that is a bit socially awkward or suffers from major trauma, pain or tough times, emerges through grit and perseverance.

Onto the task at hand, Whiplash. How did I come about it? Simple really, needed something to inspire me because I have been feeling a little bit lost lately. Oh, not to discount the fact that I am a big fan of drums but for the life of me cannot understand music or hold a beat consistently but also that I didn't give it a proper try.

• The intensity. I loved the intensity, the cut throat competition and the raw need to become better regardless of the fact that these people are the best of the very best already with enough raw talent
• Hated the cussing. Hated the emotional abuse. I guess that was kind of the point but damn this was pretty bad and borderline triggering
• What I hated even more than the cussing was the ending. To me, the pursuit of greatness should not mean that you go back to what was abusing you just to reach the zenith. Yes, greatness comes at a price, but at the price the protagonist had to pay, it really begs the question if it is worth the high and where is the line that you draw. Sure, people will remember that person for ages, but isn't the point of life to live in a manner that you enjoy and making the lives of those around you a little bit better? But I then go on to also contradict myself because I know this can never lead to any major gains and would lead to stagnation in the long run. I know deep down that greatness does require sacrifice, it is just that I am unable to bring myself around to accept that this is the ground reality and the cost for the same is so high.
• Another fact of life that was conveyed through the movie that I loved was the need for practice. Relentless practice. Doesn't matter how good these students were, they had to put in the hours. Nothing beats hard work regardless of the talent. It resonated with me because all around us in our daily lives are distractions that tell us to not focus on the improvement which we talk about a lot but never take any concrete action towards.
• The part that irked me and was a bit of romanticism of reality was when he was forced off the stage and then he walks back and takes over a solo and turns it around. Movies have to do this I understand, but this was not something that the pragmatic in me will ever agree to. The protagonist must have been prudent enough to see if somebody is giving another an offer that sounds too good to be true, it most likely is!
• The father son bond that they shared, that the protagonist still maintained did leave me with a bit of hope for humanity, especially for the sub-section of geniuses. What I took away from it was that even though they might not be the most emotionally available person or decent at being humans, they try in the way they know how to. We just have to be more patient with them and try to understand how they are trying to something that is pretty low in their priority list and give them space.

Lights out Alice!

A walk, some humans to remember: Aurangabad edition

Pick a side. Left or right. Turn. Walk. Keep walking till the next major intersection or till you have crossed 5-6kms. While walking, just soak it all in. Question, but only to observe deeper. Understand. Listen, don't speak.

It is a common practice for me. Walking for hours in a new city. Randomly just picking a street and walking for miles with no specific goal and observing nothing in particular. I like just seeing the place for what it is. The People, their hustle, how they go about their days, the peculiarities of a place, the architecture, the demeanour.

Just being a fly in the wall. Observing the world while going about it unnoticed.

Aurangabad today felt like an apt example of the same. Took a right. Walked for 6 kms. Made some curious observations. 

First, the buildings are not cookie cutter blocks but people generally try to make one with a great front facade, some kind of design that would either be modern square architectural design or paying homage to the roots of Aurangabad. 

Next, pan seems to be a big thing here. Chai is common but that's in line with rest of Maharastra.

Coming to the behaviour of people. Warm and they do about their business but it is also that they get along nicely. Sadly, I had limited time to observe people and understand their bosy language hence cannot conclude much. Morever, what little I witnessed was a mixed bag. I met an awesome chemist shop owner today who was a pretty nice human being and genuinely cared for the people around him. What was special about the guy was his aura. His presence was enough to get people to fall in line and be better humans. It wasn't that he was working with people of great character. It was his greatness, his charm and his ability to extract greatness from others that made people who would otherwise be at each other's throats to work together. It was a bittersweet feeling to be fair. He was a great guy but what he had single handedly built also meant that he would have a lot of people wanting to take him down the moment they see any weakness. I say this because people with greed only see the empire that the person has created or how he is able to build and grow. They fail to see why it became what it is today and what is holding them together. 

I also met a MR who was one of the top sales person in the area. Observing him going about his work, which is no joke, let me tell you, just meant that I was taking notes all along on what he has built for himself, a brand. I always think that being a medical sales practioner ( or MRs as they are called in the industry) is the most cut throat of sales jobs and it gets all the more brutal if you are only a generic drug manufacturer. Being a generics MR makes the job an order of magnitude more difficult because a) you have no key differentiating factor to speak of and b) you have hundred other manufacturers with the same drug offering a better deal than you ever could.