Grateful for the mundane

Picture this. An hour-long round trip. Highway roads, mostly in pristine condition, mostly empty. From the society gate, go straight, take a left, go straight for another 5 kms till the toll booth. Slide right to join the flyover and take it all the way to the exit. Merge on to a slip road for another 5 kms. Take a left and then in another km, take the left towards the airport. Another 5ish kms of straight forward driving will lead you to the terminal where I had to drop off people. I did this twice in the past three days, both in the early hours of dawn. Sounds mundane and life draining right? I would have the same outlook if driving was my job and this was part of a routine that I would have to repeat without a choice hundreds of times in a week.

However, driving is just a passion. I don’t have to put pressure on it to earn a living out of it and can choose to enjoy by pushing hard on every acceleration or treat it like a chore and just get from point A to point B. This choice, combined with the fact that I am a car guy, combined with the fact that early in the morning roads are empty, means that I am able to just enjoy myself. I don’t have to be the fastest out there. I am not trying to set any records. I don’t need the most powerful car out there, for I couldn’t afford a semi-decent one to begin with.

What I can relish, is the fact that I get to do this. Knowing the next pothole. Knowing which is the right gear for the upcoming turn. Knowing which line will reduce bumps. When to lift off so as to arrive at the next corner at the right speed without heavy braking or with heavy braking depending on the mode of driving. 

Approach. Brake. Match rev. Downshift. Be in the power zone. Place the car correctly. Look towards the exit. Check for people doing stupid things around me. Power out. 

That’s it. That’s all that matters and that’s enough to recharge my soul. Post the high, think of what could have been done better. Did I shift too early? Was I in the right gear? How much more could I push in that corner? Did I dump the clutch too early? Did I start shifting without engaging the clutch completely? Notes made, corrections to be done for the next time. Fun!

I am grateful and super lucky to be in this position and while I hope I am not trying to hold on to it, this post is a reminder to myself to be in the moment and savour it.

Taking that next step

In the end, all this is just an excuse to do the work. To get somewhere, at my low level of intelligence, it is just sheer hard work that is required. Till that happens...

Pretty sure I have touched on this before, but hope (or hopium if you are a Ferrari fan) is a pretty powerful drug.

Hope that something changes.

Hope that it all works out.

Hope that somehow it will all make sense one day.

Hope that we are going to make it.

If you look at it from a rational POV, just in India, today we have over 140 Crores and whatever I will do (given my below average intelligence) can be done better and faster by over a crore people. Not to forget that there are enough people who are smarter and more deserving and have just been undone by sheer luck.

Whatever I maybe, it has very little to do with me and everything to the opportunities afforded to me by my parents and sheer luck of things working out in my favour.

However, you need a bit of hopium for you to get off the couch and get your rear to work.  You cannot be perfectly rational and also reach that next level. You need to believe, especially when the numbers and people around you are against it.

Notes from Hyd Trip -12th Feb 2025

Why holidays to a different city is good:
I hate taking time off - not like when I don't take any break, it makes any difference; I am very unproductive most of the time anyways

However, a different city, a decent place close to nature ( a lake, a park) with a market nearby (full of people of different walks of life) - that's my happy place to recharge - take a stroll, have a tea, observe some people, walk around in nature - it nourishes my soul

Always felt high society to be such a "mendokusai" - having people from different walks of life and the ability to stroll around and explore as something that is very important for me. It reminds me of the privilege I have in everyday situations and how the things that I take for granted are what more hardworking people yearn for and yet are unable to achieve.

I get too caught up in my head/plans but am unable to execute most of the times - stuck in a rut - just like my runs not improving if I over analyze - mandatory time off helps break the cycle - moreoever, I start a lot of things and leave them halfway


There is the logical side of it, as illustrated above but also a case to be made for a the soul-nourishing human side of it. I am insignificant. I will die. Nobody will (or is supposed to) remember how many early mornings I commuted to work or how much I put into every proposal that got rejected. I didn't do it for the validation. But fighting the good (or selfish and stubborn) fight does take its toll. It is okay to pause and reflect.
To remind myself that it is alright.
To remind myself of why I started in the first place.
To remind myself of how far I have come.
To remind myself of the people who matter (M,P,R,C,MJi,MMa,NNji)
To remind myself that I need to also do right by the people who matter
To remind myself that in the end, it is okay to forgive myself and also heal myself because only I truly know how far I have depleted myself and the onus lies on me to recharge and ask help if I am struggling.

This recharging sojourn also gives me more energy to regroup and work on my next step. There definitely needs to be one. However, the biggest takeaway is also the fact that I absolutely cannot do without planned breaks. No point going to the extreme from being well travelled to not travelling at all. I need to plan to explore because it is the very fuel that recharges me. However, it cannot become a crutch. I have to keep myself accountable, while also learning to let go.

I can't control everything. Hell, I can't control anything other than myself and even that I fail to do most of the time. I can't control how people will feel. I can't control how people will react to my behaviour or even understand my POV. Which is why I need to evaluate my decisions on a separate metric. A metric that is independent of people's reaction to my stand. I need to do what is right by those metrics, regardless of the resistance. However, it would be imprudent to tune feedback out.

Listen. Implement what is needed. Stand firm where required. Keep going. Don't forget the people and things that matter.

Thanks Alice for being there listening to my rants!

The Paradox of choice

From Trevor Noah's podcast with Simon Sinek: The paradox of choice. When we are constrained, we find better purpose, better drive, better community. But once you have choice, you always feel like you can do better or do something else which in turn leads to indecision and divide.

For me personally, it goes further to the point where I think that I have grown so accustomed to chaos that I can harly function properly unless I have impossible deadlines, a situation which forces prioritization.

Some days...

Some days are better than others. 

Then there are days where everything falls apart.

However, most days we are lost. 

Lost because we keep trying to search for meaning in the wrong places.

Lost because we keep trying to prioritize everything but our inner voice/ gut feeling.

..

..

Lost because, well, because I no longer have a purpose to help me streamline my actions.

Lost, because, well, my actions have led me to self-isolate.

Lost, because, I haven't given myself a proper break for a long time. I haven't sat myself down and just heard.

If I just read that one book, watch that one interesting episode, read that paper, finish that code, derive that analysis...somehow it will all fall into place...somehow I will deserve all the good luck that has recently fallen my way ..that someone that anxiety will go away.

But the fact remains that I feel unworthy, regardless of that next thing that my ADHD brain latches onto. Hence, the solution cannot be the next thing...cannot be doing more.

In my case, the solution only presents itself when slowing it down. Reducing the clutter. Doing less.

If only I could be a better friend to my own self.