Healing vs Burying

It has been a while since I have let anyone actually behind the curtain into my real personality. I have been hurting for a while. For the first six months at the new job, I kept my distance and didn't really connect with anyone. Today that changed.

However, the issue was not the connection, which I know is irrelevant and fleeting but the fact that it reminded me of how much the past still hurts. I thought that I had healed from all the paint that people left me with but I realized that they were just buried deep as a coping mechanism and came flooding back. All my insecurities. All the things I hate about myself. All the things that I am afraid of sharing.

The loud voice that keeps telling me that I am not enough. That I am weird and nobody wants to be friends with me. I know it all sounds easy to dismiss but if the voice is coming from your head itself, it is very hard to counter against it. I can't, on most days. It gets pretty bad.

Curiously as well, the question that gets raised is whether I am bringing up all these insecurities because for the first time in a long time I am sharing anything personal about myself. Not the facade, not the curated persona, but something that is de facto me and I want people to not judge. Over time, the facade has been curated to the level that I have created things that I hate about myself that I also want others to hate on and hence I don't mind sharing and getting picked on by others on this.

All in all, Alice...it has been a rough day because the voices in my head are getting louder.

The new workplace story

The amex story: 

People being diffn.

Skills: Everyone is good. How does it affect the dynamics?

What doesn't change: Discipline and getting shit done.  Incentivising. People need to be motivated. Ways and effective means can be different but largely people management remains something you need to do by actually hearing them out. Carrot and stick. Infinite leeway is just that...bad management. 

Just getting the best minds together doesn't automatically imply they will get shit done. Yes, inherently they are better at getting shit done but the right people management is still required.

Complacency and then some...

 I might act like I am trying to wage a war against complacency but in reality it is all window dressing, a desperate rouse created to fool thine own head into believing that actual effort is being made in becoming better and not just wasting time.

What really gets my goat on most days is when I doom scroll or switch between pointless apps, random anecdotes or anything that occupies head, wastes time and erodes intelligence.

What gets my goat even further is how I waste time when I have it and then make plans that I have no positive concrete effort towards achieving. How am I so okay with underperforming on a daily basis?

Is it my restlessness or why does my brain first prioritize taking a break and binging on mind numbing content over actually putting the effort and getting anything done? It is really laughable that some monstrous effort, put a long a time ago is something that deserves a break even after all these years. Just sucks that mind actually constructs and believes these lies.

Well, that just about sums up complacency and procrastination. I hope to be better than all this...sadly, I haven't.

What is balance?

Lights out Alice!

The dream place to work for many in terms of work life balance, as everyone keeps reminding me. However, I see it differently. I see it as a place where there is excess leisure and not enough incentive to think of solutions that push the mould or is inventive. I see a culture of complacency that is ingrained in maintaining the status quo, which is a surefire way of ending up behind the curve.

However, I will also be the first person to acknowledge that I do not do well in situations that are not overstimulating. I do not do well when everything is cozy, normal and functioning in a manner that is not shit on fire. Being an average student who never lived up to his potential, this situation is a perfect shitstorm that triggers my anxiety:

1. More than adequate work-life balance

2. Co-workers are super friendly and non-toxic

3.Co-workers are smart and the culture is built on intelligence rather than politics

All I am trying to say is that this is not the culture that suits a ADHD like me who likes being a cynic and always play the devil's advocate. I am the perfect breeding ground for perpetrating toxic hustle culture, but that is because I have long ingrained in myself the belief that if you are not pushing to improve, you are stagnating.

Which also brings me to the counter point. If everyone is so chilled out, is improvement on the cards or just maintaining the levels the priority, which over time will definitely leave things falling behind. As I write this, I also see the fact that I am just voicing the biggest fear and loudest voice in my head, which is becoming complacent and falling behind. I do see the wonders that a calmer environment can bring, but for a person like me, who needs to be 110% booked to function normally, this can exacerbate deep rooted fears.

Furthermore, I have a bit of time on my hands these days which led to this introspection. However, when I account for future commitments beyond work, I realize that this is effectively the max one can do while juggling a family and the responsibilities that come with it (or is it?)

Only time will tell Alice, but in any case, the answer shall present itself if the priorities are clear.

Here we go again...

Lights out Alice!

At this point in time, it is just the same pattern repeating itself.

1. Not having work which leads to a break in routine, which in turn leads to not getting anything done. All the big plans to improve, to work on my basic maths, gone to shit.

2. Having too many plans and to-dos leading to a spiral of being overwhelmed, realising how little I know, how much I need to know and how mediocre I will always remain.