Inspiring series/anime: Rising Impact

Note to self: Anime series Rising Impact was pretty good

Reminded me:
1. I love the thrill of competition, but more so the drive, the preparation, the unwavering focus that it brings out in everyone.
2. I miss having a drive. I miss having the purpose that made every action, every break, everything I did more meaningful. Taking a break is only fun and worth it when I have done something meaningful.
3. I hate being distracted all the time. I hate not finishing something that I start. I hate being someone who does not follow through. Unfortunately, it is an issue borne out of both ADHD and not being disciplined enough. I want to do so much, but I just don't have the follow through or the drive that turns normal people into achievers.
4. Sadly, all of the above means I have brought myself down to a slacker. I am barely meeting the standards and am failing more than I am succeeding.

Sit Rep 12th Dec 2024

Sit Rep: I hate talking about things before they are done, yet the world either expects things to be done as soon as they are ideated, or the fact that I procrastinate so much, I know my completion rate is abysmal which led to the SOP to develop through repeated failures.

To be fair, I just need to be better at execution, as currently I am at an all time productivity low, which is bad, even for an ADHD brain like me.

Today, in my meeting with the Director, I was told to be more outgoing and share results with my manager and him more often. I don't disagree that talking helps, but I also don't agree that we should talk about everything that we have got cooking.

I know it is not the most glamourous route to actually grind it out, but I hope to hold steadfast in my belief that in the end, consistent hard work is the only tool that I have which will lead to success since I do not have any natural talent to offer in any area.

Thoughts from Chandigarh Trip (09.12.24)

Hello Alice! It's been a while since I actually had the voices in my head speak to me in a manner that encourages me to write them down. Maybe it is just that I am not disciplined enough, maybe I got too complacent with my situation but one thing is clear, I have slipped far too much. I was never good enough but at least I was putting in the right effort. Currently, that has evapourated.

I do ask myself sometimes why am I not doing enough. The simplest answer that I can find is that the people pleaser in me is always vigilant around family members, going the extra mile and being at their service, too drained afterwards to actually find the time to do something meaningful.

I am currently attending the wedding of Tarun. I hate weddings no doubt. In general I have no interest in being a part of weddings, but since my track record had always been that I am more of a rainy day person, I am going out of my way to even it out. However, it does go against every fibre of my being. Every moment in a social gathering, unless I find the right person to talk to feels like a chore. I just want to get out.

However, I also do know that talking to people helps get me out of my head and put a fresh perspective on everything. Yesterday, I ended up talking to a colleague of Tarun's from IITB. Our shared interest was engineering and machine design and it served as a a wake up call. People who are doers just do things. They don't wait around or hope things fall into their lap. People who are smart (which he was in this case) just see things from a different perspective, a perspective created through relentless study and push to understand everything around them and the system in focus. They do not leave a stone unturned or assume anything. They get it done.

These past few weeks, I have just been serving others or wasting my time whenever I get any. I am becoming dumb and choosing to doom scroll over learning. Furthermore, even when I do get down to studies, I am just aimless and do not have a plan which in turn leads to not having enough motivation to follow through.

What happened to me Alice? Is this all I will ever be? Mediocre? Will I never be able to break the pattern and do something meaningful with myself?

Sit Rep: Things are messed up

It's back Alice!

Complacency's back...oh how I did not miss thee yet it has creeped back in my life, slowly and surely. A simple measure of me just being aimless and not proactive in giving direction to my day is the fact that I haven't blogged in over a month.

P.S: Note that 31st Nov was a pretty happy day because of the news from my sis.

Update from 3rd Dec: I messed up today. Again. With the data. I feel so pissed at myself for time and again making the same mistake of not QC'ing the numbers correctly.

I am so stupid. I don't deserve to be here, or anywhere for that matter. I keep F***ing up. People around me are smart and I just can't get the basics correct.

I have been slacking off. Royally. I haven't actually moved ahead towards my goals only further behind.

I am wasting time, doom scrolling, mind numbing binging.

I suck.