Lights out Alice!
What never fails to amuse me is the fact that the very brain I am using to decode all the swings in my mood and my recent series of bad spirals with unparalleled bouts of unproductivity is the source of all these troubles.
Given the person I am, scatterbrained, thinking in a million different tangents every second, I am rarely out of things to do, but where I do lack is completing things or finishing things with the same gusto as when I started. That's a tangent for another day and it is an ongoing concern that I have droned about multiple times before.
What I wanted to write about when I opened the blog is how my fickle and ever swinging mood can govern how productive I am at any particular time and how easy it is to swing it from good to a shitty state of mind. It does not even take more than 20 seconds for my thoughts to derail my momentum but getting back on track can take the rest of the day or as is the case in my current slump, can take months.
What's unique about my current situation, or at least the shallow excuses that I would like to give even though I know the root cause is different, is that there are too many wheels in motion. I would have liked to believe that my adaptability was high enough to the point that I would not be affected by a new place, a job with fast changing deliverables or even the fact that my personal life front was still lacking even though I was devoid of any real family pressure or responsibility in this city.
Just to clarify (which is another one of my annoying habits), I know for a fact that the root cause lies in having a gaping hole in personal part of my life. But I also know that it does not give me a free pass to let my productivity go down the drain. I cannot be letting other people rule my life or emotions or get affected by that which is not in my control.
It is definitely easier said than done. I go off on tangents and I rarely complete tasks. I can have 55 thoughts but I never see them through. I think I am moving (well, currently not even that) but all I do is sit and spin my wheels. I need an objective, an overarching purpose that would drive and define my actions. I need to know what is relevant and what isn't. I want to be able to push myself to be more, to do more, to achieve more to the point where I am actually making progress on a daily if not weekly basis.
The issue is that I have forgotten that a key part of my ability to even function at 10% efficiency required me to maintain a schedule, have goals, set daily plans and fail to reach all of them. The last part is just the grim reality that is the sad reality which sets me below the best minds in the country. They know and CAN get things done, especially things they set their minds to. I know and plan superbly and then immediately proceed to act in a manner that will ensure that I never meet my goals for the day. My subconscious deliberately sabotages my day through heightened sense of procrastination or even by making me restless or buzzing with ideas, all of which take me on tangents ensuring that I do not complete tasks in my original plan.
I hope that through incessant droning about my self-sabotaging behavioural I can bring about a change, although that does sound far-fetched. Maybe this is all I will ever be. Maybe I am meant to be sad. Maybe I am too used to pain and fall apart whenever I am remotely okay. Maybe the way I act, trying to be cool and distant, pushes people away and then I question why I am alone.
Maybe the one thing that I was very proud of, my ability to think and get work done, is also the thing that I have lost long back in March and all I am holding onto is past memories and remnants. This is further contributing to my self destruction because I am not seeing with true clarity how far I have slipped.
Maybe I am too far gone Alice...but I still hope against hope that I can find my way back and get back at operating at a decent level. I really hope I get better!
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