The ending, part 50404...

Lights out Alice!

This is what I wrote when I was asked to go back to being friends and not make things toxic:

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Let me over explain myself (hope you take the time to read it):

Part 1:

 It is okay for it to be not that big a deal for you.

 I know enough time has passed for us to forget the past and restart as "friends"

 I even know for a fact that we both can go back to being friends if we restarted this.

But I cherish our memories. Each and every moment we shared and all the fun things we did together.

I am grateful for every damn moment I got to spend with you.

Again, I have never expected you to feel the same. But this is what I feel. I never forced anything from you. But I have no interest in hiding what I truly feel and live a lie.

What took me all this time to heal was the constant denial from your end. It was you telling me this could never happen while we were slowly getting closer. That drove me to question everything and I spiraled pretty bad. The sheer abruptness of the ending in July and then your constant dismissal as "it wasn't a big deal" messed me up and didn't give me closure. I always believed that it was only me that forced all this and ruined everything. It messed me up big time.

I have been a mess for a while now and only now have I slowly gotten used to life without you as a friend.

Now, if I restart all this, I will have to overwrite the beautiful memories I have of you. I will have to erase everything in the past and pretend to move forward without baggage. I don't think I would ever want to do that. Again, it is not that I can't but these memories are far too cherished for me to forget them. I am happy for what we had and would rather hold on to that happy memory over the new ones.

Part 2:

 There has never been an agenda.

 I have tried my best to not make your workplace toxic by trying to stay away and I am truly sorry for all the trouble I might have caused.

 I know I am holding on to the past and to be fair, this is a choice. I have no expectations of any sort and have closed the book on this, but I would rather just have the good memories and take them with me forever

Part 3:

I do regret all the things we couldn't do together if I hadn't gone and messed it all up:

 All those road trips

 The treks we planned but could never execute

 Aravali bio diversity park

 32nd avenue workshops we planned on going to

 I will remember you everytime I take the turn towards Rajiv Chowk.

 I will always cherish the crazy fun we had in office. Holy shit, I don't think that level of fun is even allowed...pranking each other, teasing each other, listening to each other...every second was me being able to let my walls down and be in the moment with you.

 I will miss us having fun in the car

 The Blue lays packet

 The playlist

 Sahibaan

 The drives to India Gate

What we had was true. The only thing I hated is you dismissing it as something trivial. That part messed me up.

Part 4:

We had our differences.

We had our misunderstandings.

I know I have my insecurities.

I know I overthink, I know I mess up all the time.

But, both of us always knew how the other would feel and took that into account. Both of us always knew when the other was angry and would try to make the other feel better. I know it is partly in both our natures to be able to read the other person but I think this was beautiful.

I don't want anything from you. I am not a desperate person trying to force you to feel what you don't want to or stay in anything that doesn't align with your life's plan...I am always just happy and grateful to have had the time we did and have made my peace with it.

But I always want to keep these memories with me as they are special to me and being friends again would mean forgetting all this.

I could, but this was far too special for me to let go of. For the first time, I felt happiness without having to pretend.

Just clearly writing down everything that is on my mind and why it is hard for me to go back to being friends. Not trauma dumping.

Doing the right thing sucks

Lights out Alice!

I don't know why am I my own biggest limitation. No, it is not anybody else but my own brain, designed to help me, which is the biggest hinderance in my path to leading a better life.

Context: RC reached out if we could go back to being friends again.

On one hand having her around would be pretty cool and really good in the short term but I know that over time I will go back to having feelings and mis-interpreting her actions which would never end well for either of us. Which meant that I had to decline and end things which had already previously ended. This is like ending v_13345_final_v2...

I know there are decisions that I need to take that are right for me, which end up feeling like a kick in the gut. This was definitely one of them. In the time between making up my mind on a decision and communicating it, I must have flip-flopped a million times in my head, trying to weigh the pros and cons of taking a side.

We don't know what the future holds. Maybe being friends again is important for me to heal. Maybe she has finally come to her senses. Maybe it will all work out if I choose this path. All that this does is kill the last bit of hope that had died but got reincarnated with this invitation. However, because this happened, and my reaction to it, it was indication enough that I am still not over it and there is no hope of me being able to forget all this and go back to being "friends". 

I am happy that there was acknolwedgment of the fact that mistakes were made from the other person's end as well. Actually, that makes me extremely bitter. When you have feelings for someone and they treat you like a disposable convenient piece of trash, it hurts worse than being rejected.

What really bothers me and gets my goat is WHY would you want to go back to being friends! I know it might have been just friends and casual for you, but just sweeping all that history under the bus belittles my feelings. It makes me feel small for having them or holding onto them in the first place and that I am not ready to do.

I wish I was a better than this and able to forget everything and pretend that it never happened. I wish I could be the guy who could play the game and not be affected by the outcome. Sadly, I am not one of those people. Agreeing to be friends would have been pretending to be someone I am not. For the life of me, I could not bring myself round to living that lie.

If it isn't meant to be, it really isn't and I shouldn't force it.