My SOP understanding as of 28.12.25

1. I need a plan of action to function. I also need margin in this plan to do impulsive things

2. This plan of action cannot have more than:

    A. 1 major to-dos -must complete item

    B. 2 items with grinding level work - where I sit down and focus

    C. 1 new learning item to feel that I am not derelict yet even though that is the case

3. The bigger issue that needs to be solved on a daily basis is dopamine regulation. I am pretty restless and borderline ADHD which means two things happen everyday...everything resets every morning and I have too much energy. My body does not carry forward all the learnings from the previous day. At night I tell myself that I have clear patterns that need to get better at and when morning comes the same things repeat.

Too much energy at the start of the day if not expended leaves me jittery, wanting to do too many things at once and unable to focus on anything. I end wanting to burn it all down, start again and start learning something new altogether.

Hence, the start of the day needs to happen with physical activitiy, intense and straining which helps me expend energy and get myself out my head. The adrenaline helps me regulate my emotions and then sets a better tone for the rest of the day.

Roadtrip...but the feeling is not the same or is it?

Over the weekend, I had a quick trip to Lucknow. Left Friday afternoon and was back by Sunday night. On the way the trip took 11 hours instead of the expected 8 because of dense fog and zero visibility and the speeds going down to 60. On the way back, it was more driving as usual as the trip was over the course of the afternoon.

Why do I do it? Is it because of my inherent liking for all things cars and driving? It is a contributing factor, sure, but I don't think it is the complete answer. Is it because it is difficult and somewhat of a perceived challenge to drive for 8 to 10 hours straight? This is also not the complete reason but an important contributor.

Just my thoughts 15th Dec 2025

I still miss the hell out of you. But the pain is no longer as bad as it used to be. As they correctly say, time and distance heals everything. It ended a long time ago, and more importantly, in her eyes, there was nothing there in the first place anyways, but it took me over six months and multiple bouts of sinking to a dark place and questioning everything to get over her.

It was real on my end, it was true for me and regardless of what might be considered complex, hard to read and not easy going at all, I believe I stayed true and upfront. I am sure she felt she was being true and didn't try to hurt me on purpose. I should also not be hurt as much as I am given how she had already told us that we were "just friends" and that I was just "convenient". However, those words hurt worse than being rejected, because they remind me of how easily I give away so much of myself and how easily people take it for granted.

This is not to say that I do not respect her decision. I also respect the fact that there is no good way of ending things. It is going to be taken incorrectly by the party being rejected anyways, more so by a person who is ADHD and sensitive to rejection and has anxious attachment style. I am the problem, no doubt.

Any person at any time has the right to say no and walk away, but it doesn't really stop it from hurting does it?

I just laugh at my patterns sometimes. Here I am, bored and procrastinating on the work that we need to do, letting my thoughts wander back to the person that called me "convenient" and "just a friend".

It is funny how against all odds, against all the self-talks about how I should get over it, get over whatever it was, I come back and wait for some cosmic event which will get her to reach out and text. All these quotes, these books, these philosophies that I claim to imbibe, I am pretty sure will be down the drain the minute, no no, the second I receive a text from her...I would like to believe that this is exactly why I think it was real, but I will also call out my bullshit and say that it is just my anxious attachment style and rejection refusal which just wants to get to a scenario where I was enough for the other person and that it wasn't just all in my head. The need to be right about what I considered to be mutual feelings, but the other person refused to agree, is what I think also keeps driving this and bugs me.

Just my thoughts 10th Dec 2025

I don't know Alice! Things that we in the past (SB) seem to not affect me so much anymore. There was a time I used to feel so overwhelmed trying to get that person to calm down and trying to contain that situation. I kept looking for an answer, anything that I could do that would help them get out of the loop and diffuse the situation. Now, I was drawn back to the same shit, even though I have been consistently distant, or more so because of it, but this time I was far less bothered. I want to believe this was because I know that it wasn't entirely because of my actions, but the truth is that my actions were wrong, but they needed to happen. I have been wanting to withdraw from this for a long time now, especially seeing how conveniently people have forgotten what they have done in the past and just assuming that it is closed. Yes, it is closed, but I got hurt and I have every right to not be available at the same level anymore. It is not like I have not made this clear to the other person or am stringing them along. Yet, they seem to get offended by my actions. At this point, I don't know what to do but I do know that my stand on this is clear, regardless of how bad a picture that person seems to be drawing of me.

On a similar vein, it has been a while since RC ended as well. Last Friday was the last straw after the last straw. The last straw was the day when I was told I was just "convenient and a timepass".  Last Friday was when RC chose to be indifferent by my absence in a meetup that saw me drop her off and wait for others to arrive, only for them to then continue plans without me 15 minutes before the meetup was about to happen. What bothered me on the RC front was that RC knew that I was nearby waiting for others to wrap up their previous engagement. She was informed of the change of plans and chose to not speak up. I even get the fact that she would have wanted to keep the fact that I dropped her on the down low, but it didn't bother her even a bit to check with me once? Dayum bruh, this is the level of respect I got after doing so much for that person. Obviously, I never did anything with malintent, but that doesn't also mean that it should be taken for granted at this level. However, it confirms a few things...either it was really nothing or that person is a user. I still would like to believe the former  and not the latter as the latter is something that I am assuming since I am too sensitive of their actions.

I miss having that friend....but it is time I call out my bullshite

Lights out Alice!

The last straw has been broken. Although it ended a while ago, it took me a while to come to terms with it and way longer to accept it. When the dust settles and one is not blinded by the desire to do anything to prove their worthiness, we are able to see the truth for what it is and not an opportunity or an area of improvement. Being the analytical person, who is filled with self hate and has serious anxious attachment problems, everything HAS to have a meaning behind it otherwise there is something that I am yet to understand about the situation. Everything has to have a "RIGHT" course of action, something that the feedback in the first instance from a  person will lead me to believe and mould myself to fit into.