Am I really that eccentric?

Lights out Alice!

I have had to go out and interact with people a lot these past few weeks which has left me drained and barely able to put up a social veil that covers the otherwise crass nature of my behaviour. Without that veil, the world is unable to process the directness of my response, labelling it as "rude" and "eccentric".

Side note, what's ironic is that after a while, I feel like going out and doing things (meeting people would be the last resort) but as soon as I have to meet people, I regret is instantly and vehemently, to the point that I would swear off against making any such plans in the future only to repeat the cycle after a few weeks.

Unfortunately, I had to go out to meet a friend today as well. I really hated the idea, but being the people pleaser I am, I was unable to say no since the person had asked last weekend as well and I had declined abruptly. What I cannot fathom, is that in general societal norms friends are just expected to "hang out". Yes, I don't mind not having a set agenda with PPD or people of similar level, but not anyone. Even with PPD we generally have a headlining goal, however trivial it might be. We both work with a schedule and an optimising goal, the best part being that both of us will try to fit in our plans while trying to fool the other that it is in the best interest of the group overall and not just their plans.

Coincidentally, both my sister and this person (208) brought up the "other half" issue. 208 told I am eccentric and it would take a lot for anyone to adjust to my "controlling" nature. My sister was more restrained in her advice and brought up the fact that whoever that person is has to gel with at least the immediate family and more than anything understand me on a level better than anyone else (or at least at PPD's). Given the over-analyzer that I am, the subtext was that SB did not seem like a good fit.

I have been used by people. A lot. It is sort of a given if you are a people pleaser but I take it to the extreme because I shun attention overtly while passively doing grand gestures which go above and beyond normal expectation, but only with the little things. Does it mean I am to blame for being used? Yes, but also no. Everyone who has hurt me knows what they were doing and just get taken aback when they see me finally have enough and stand up to leave. I shouldn't have set the wrong standard in the first place according to them. I agree to an extent. But that doesn't make their actions right.

It sucks to be rejected or used. All said and done, everyone of these people left. Now, some of these are definitely justified, if not all of them, but a 100% rejection rate cannot all be just hard luck. It sucks to be left standing broken after all this time.

There is no denying I am not a run of the mill person. I do have eccentric views and tendencies that are far from normal, however one person's normal is another's weird.

But am I not meant to find anyone? I have always been of the opinion that I don't really need need another person, but it would be nice to feel loved and accepted for what I am. I know idealists would love to chime in and claim that this expectation is the bare minimum, but I have been far too broken to expect anything more than the bread crumbs that some offer. Or alternatively, as 225 mentioned, I push people away or their offers of affection. But isn't this something most people do? When they are going through a hard time, I try my best for them and keep trying even when they hurl abuses at me or chide me, but I cannot expect the same even though I don't denigrate them(well I do, but that's on a different tangent)? 

I can justify both expecting less and wanting more, just that my overthinking brain isn't quite sure as to which side of the argument to fall onto. Hopefully everything falls into place, enough to make sense, Alice!

I now know what I don't want

Lights out Alice!

A lot of shit went down in the past month, starting off with the Bangalore trip and culminating in a good understanding of where I stand on relationships.

Bangalore was an impulse move, no doubt, one fueled by the narrow frame of thought one gets into when it is hammered the same shit again and again, not unlike how a person would feel in a prison or any scenario detached from the outer world.

I did what I should not have done (or thought through more), even though I have done it in the past, as this time the person didn't change their ways. Other times they haven't as well, but now I cannot cut off as the cat cannot be put back in the bag.

The situation or predicament, I should say, I am in, warrants a level of delicateness that my natural uncouth nature is unable to provide. 

The dominos that started to fall because of Bangalore led to the situation where I had to be in the uncomfortable position of delicately explaining what her visit to Gurgaon and staying with me for over a week would mean, or what it wouldn't mean. We still aren't a thing, but to the same effect, we still aren't not not a thing. The bread-crumbing force remains strong on this one. Lines were crossed, mutually, I might add for everyone's benefit, and on my end mostly for data analysis purposes.

Lest we forget, there were altercations, loud and violent ones, majorly stemming from mistrust brought on by a misunderstanding of my explanation or the realization of the casual manner in which I lie to get out of a pickle. I am no holier than thou, but hopefully not as sleazy as I repeatedly found myself being painted.

The worst collateral from all this was an increased strain in the relationship with my sister. She wasn't ready to understand my point of view, mainly because I didn't offer a very good explanation of what all this was but also because she isn't very high on talking about feelings. She just dismisses me when I trying to have a heartfelt conversation by crude remarks. "Oh, you are such a girl." "Grow up and be a man".

Coming to the point, what I mainly took away from the data gathering process was that I am what I claim to be, but since I claim to be different personas in different shades, I don't know if the composite I have created is reflective of the true picture. I am not majorly drawn by conventional forces aka physical features, not to the point that it would be a great decision making contributor. I am also not really into the societal niceties, mostly because I think they are a colossal waste of time. I have gone to great length for the other person, lines that I didn't know I was willing to cross and relationships I didn't know I was ready to strain. However, nothing seems to be enough for the other person. Moreover, the basic fact that I am an introvert and love my peace and solitude a bit too much didn't help the entire equation, especially when looking at it from a long term lens. I don't think there is a future there, but I know that I can't see another person in pain and if that requires that action from my end, I see myself going out there and doing that. 

I know it is a shitty reason to commit to something holy and it is a recipe for disaster, but hey ho, I am just keeping my fingers crossed that it does not come to that or that I find the courage to put up or shut up.

Been a while Alice. Sorry for not being more regular with my updates!