Lights out Alice!
To clarify, I actually have multiple things wrong with me, not all of which I have figured out, but I have figured out this much that there is something massively wrong with me. I actually go ahead and look for trouble. I actually go ahead and act in that weird way which makes the other person think I am disrespecting them. I actually go ahead and mess everything up.
No, but okay yes, that above was a bit of self loathing. But the next part is true.
...immediately goes on to forget what that was.
Next school of thought: I am actually wasting my time. This longing for humans is utterly distracting and takes a huge toll on my workload. I am just wasting my time uselessly loitering around and doing shenanigans which then blows up on my face because I don't know how to behave in public or around people. I don't know how to take feedback seriously which makes the other person think that I am joking around and disrespecting them. Oh, how I miss the days where it was just all about work and I could go about just focusing and failing on meeting my goals. Now, I don't just disappoint myself on a daily basis, I also disappoint others. Plus I am irritating them and sapping their energy, which makes me seriously sorry about it and then it is another round of me apologising and spending time correcting my mistakes.
I would like to see the button where I could just stop feeling stuff. Emotions are the problem. I am a menace in society and would just like to find a corner tucked away in a remote place where in even though it will be painful to be all alone, but it will be a familiar pain. I don't have to be keep being reminded of my idiosyncrasies every time I go out and try to interact with people.
Yes, you idiots out there, I am weird. I don't know how to interact in public. I don't know how to be mature and not act goofy. But that is because that's just who I am and I am sorry that it is disappointing to you. Actually what is worse is that my overthinker brain can't just stop thinking about it and puts all this in a loop. It is tiring to have the same thoughts churn again and again and tell you how you are just not good enough.
Hope I find a way out of this Alice! Not sure if I want actually want to give up on humans because loneliness was also getting suffocating but with every passing day and increasing amount of mistakes and reducing efficiency in work, I am reevaluating my trade-off point. I think I was meant to be a loner. I think I was meant to be alone. I suck.
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