Lights out Alice!
Expectations and hope. Two of the biggest faults with us humans according to me. Setting up expectations and having hope in situations might possibly be the surest way towards failure, or at least it is in my case. Most of the times then, I choose to restrain myself from getting carried away and consciously decide to live life from moment to moment while containing myself to not get ahead of the step I am currently in because it most probably never works out in the manner I envision it in and worse still it mostly becomes more difficult for me (than it has any right to be) to focus on the job at hand.
Something similar happened a while back. I am currently back in the process of longing, something that inadvertently comes with a side of hope and expectation. Add to this my general demeanour, which is more of a shy one-sided covert nature, just adds to the anxiety and pangs felt in case there is any shift of the needle in the positive direction. What it means that nothing really has to happen for me to start expecting things and having hope. Since it is one sided or given the covert form of longing, the other person is not aware, anything that would otherwise be classified as normal baseline would be characterised as far too positive on my end and hence I would stand up and take notice. Remember here that it is just a normal positive and nothing extra for the other person. I am now making up positive scenarios as to how things are going to go, plotting an entire multiverse where things end up in a way that suits my narrative. The optimisations, the scenario planning, the different strategies I would take to ensure that any obstacles can be gracefully averted.
Well, all this one simple thing. It takes my focus away from the task at hand. It ruins my schedule and makes an already ADHD filled reduced focus brain get even more jittery. In other words, anxious. I wait and wait, hoping to hear from the other side. Hoping, against all reason, that the other person will also be thinking about me and are just forming the exact right sentence that would call out my feelings and then I can openly confess. Hoping, that they would see right through the shield I am putting up and understanding the longing I feel for their company. Expecting against all rationale and logic that they would just turn up at my door and embrace me and confess what they feel. My rational brain is having a ball right now, laughing it's rear end off after reading such emotional and childish behaviour. A fight ensues in my brain. Emotion has waged war against logic. Spartans attack is what emotion told its hormones. Brain just sat there in peace knowing full well that this army that was marching right at him was one that was already broken. All it would take is one logical argument for the emotional wave to start infighting and quell the surge. So logic waited. It was also enjoying the fun as it only fueled an ADHD hit that would make it feel better than it actually was. When emotion got close to logic, logic fired its weapon, the sound logic, a sensible and well concocted argument that would not be easily refuted. Immediately the wave and surge of emotion felt like it had hit a barrage of rocks meant to break the tide. The wave of emotion that was surging now became just a frothy mixture of ocean water, too turbulent in its motion to project any power.
But little did logic know that it was not the end but just the start in the never ending logic vs emotion battle in the mind...
P.S: This ensured that I got no work done and was just paralyzed and consumed by my thoughts, anxiety, emotions, logic, ADHD and this never ending war between logic and emotions.
Lights out Alice! I hope it works out with S...does this tell you who won?
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