Lights out Alice!
202 is a curious case. There is a constant level of pain that she carries around with her all the time, mixed in with the need to blend in the crowd while standing apart sprinkled with the fact that there is a very high level of disassociation with anything that has to do with MBA or MDI for reasons that are on some levels genuine and acceptable. But all these layers and disassociation comes at a cost, especially in a some what hateful environment like MDI or maybe it the same across any college campus. The cost being that she is not able to make any deep connections with people on campus, an obvious consequence given that most of the time she is not on campus. This means that the times that she has to spend on campus because of overlapping classes with not enough gaps to go back home and come back, she has to find people to hang out with. Although I claim that I do not need company, which is nothing but a lie, normal people generally require company. They do not sit well with isolation or time away from people. It would be idiotic of me to conclude that they like being in a crowd simply because they are outgoing but more like the fact that everybody is trying to escape something. Either they are trying to escape their reality or the constant noise in their head or the thoughts that linger on when there is nothing but silence. Hence, on some level I do get the point as to why one would choose to commute to and fro from home whenever there is a chance to do so.
Even though I am trying to pull away (and mostly have done so) from 202, that's not to say that I had not put in a lot of time and effort into 202 in the first year of MBA. I did bend over backwards doing chores and mundane tasks. I gave up on a lot of my work to ensure that 202's work was done. Although I feel shitty that I am calling it out because there was no obligation on me and I chose to do this. Hence, making it like 202 owed me anything for something I voluntarily chose to do is very narcissistic of me.
I already see the fact that my withdrawal against 202 can come across as rude but I felt that it was pretty one sided where I was just being used on some fronts and hence decided it is better to cut it off altogether. Funnily enough, 202 reached out today to go out for tea or coffee. I think it was either she wanted to not be alone between classes and hence needed anybody to hang out with or she wanted to open up and just needed a friend to talk to. I have been in a crappy mood for the past two days and my assumptions regarding the nature/ agenda of the meeting meant that I went in with a prejudice that I was being wanted for my company just because there was nobody else and I generally agree to things that are proposed to me.
Edit 2:
I claim that obviously no work was ever done with any level of expectation in return but there being no recognition and just casual dissidence on it was something that made me come to the conclusion that cutting off from her was the best approach. - This was the line I had initially written. In the second edit, I was about to remove it, but chose to keep it as it served as a grim reminder of the level of narcissism and self obsession I am at. 202 is hurting and I chose to ignore that what is in front of me and focus on my problems.
I hated the fact that she wanted to open up today and I was too potty faced to let her do it. It was obvious that my body language presented itself as something that was not happy to be there and NOW I REGRET IT. I hate that I got too self absorbed in my thoughts.
Again, now that I read my initial version of events again, I realize it more and more how I had been to prejudiced in my conclusion regarding why the meeting was called and was too sour throughout. I could have brought in more energy and given her the comfort needed to open up on whatever was troubling her. I don't think she would have reached out otherwise and it is just the previous baggage (UNWARRANTED of course) that I am carrying of being taken for granted is something that coloured my understanding and reading of the situation.
I don't get why there is so much anger or hatred towards 202. What was I expecting? She had clarified her intentions early on but then did go on to avail my help on a lot of academic work in the first year. That's not to say that I was forced into it. I volunteered. I went the extra step and did more than was required, sometimes even at personal cost.
And this seems to be a recurring trend. I overcommit, over care, overbear and then obviously when the other side does not respond to it in the same way, which they never would because they never came into this with that idea, I end up resenting the relationship and hurting whatever friendship there might or might not have been. This resentment and pent up frustration with people is what irks me and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling used and then cast aside. It takes me back to my engineering days where I was just angry everyday for reasons I never really could put my finger on.
