RCA of RC Story

Lights out Alice!

The top voices in my head that keep looping::

1. Why me?
2. What's wrong with me? 
3. Am I broken and will I forever be broken?
4. Is it all borne out of loneliness or do I really feel something for a person? Will I ever be able to distinguish correctly while being in the situation?

RCA brings me to the following understanding (with the obvious disclaimer that it might change at any time:

1. I was afraid and ashamed. Ashamed of being so wrong about the actions of a person. Afraid that I caused harm to the person. I was ashamed that I mistook acts of kindness for something more which ended up causing more harm to the person.

Update 21.08.25:

Our paths had to cross again yesterday. Given the professional setting, obviously I had to act non-chalant. 

But it hurts me. 

It hurts me to see that all the memories we shared amounted to nothing. 

It hurts me to see that two people who once got so close that they knew what the other person would think next can now be sharing the same space but have an invisible void between them.

I can see she needed a friend. It hurts me everytime that I assumed otherwise and hurt her. I know I can't apologise to her anymore, but God, how I wish I could get another chance to say sorry for the hurt I have caused and I could find a way to make it all go away.

We were really good friends. We used to have a blast. Sometimes I think I am chasing that feeling of belonging. Other times I agree that it was too good to last and it ended when it had to. I just want to find a way to ensure that the space that we share is not suffocating.

I want my brain to understand. 

It ended. So what? 

She caused a lot of hurt...so what? 

Forgive her...to be fair, I never blamed her but rather myself for misreading it all.

I should go back to being friends...what my data suggests that it would be easy for her but pretty difficult for me...I wish I was stronger than this but I don't think I am.

She needs a friend. She has lost trust. I need to reestablish that. Is this something I am doing for her or myself? Is this the right thing to do? I look around the office and most people don't have true friends so why do I feel the need to "fix" this? Or am I just trying to "fix" it or trying to end this chapter in a way where the other person "owes" me, a MO that I have repeated previously.

Oh boy, am I a mess right now!

Lights out Alice!

Never taunt fate. Never make the claim that I will face the pain when it comes because when it came, oh boy!

It hit me like a train. It reminded me that I had gotten too comfortable. It reminded me that I gave too much of myself to make room for the person who didn't reciprocate at the same level.

I am a mess right now. I am not okay. It sucks that I have been here before and I thought this time I could deal with it better, but this time, in a long list of previous such occurences, is way worse. 

Circumstances wise, this time I still have to go back and see that person every other day. We still share some similar circles

Mostly because I had gotten too complacent and thought I could brute force it. Mostly because I forgot my tools and thought I could just "get over it". 

Mostly because I kept hanging on and replaying it in my head when I should have forced myself to stop.

Mostly because I broke my routines, things that keep me sane, to make time for the other and now that the person is gone, I am a broken mess who is finding it difficult to get back to feeling okay in any remote sense of the world.

Why am I lingering and why is this time way more difficult?

Context: The pattern repeated itself. Gotten close. Next thing I know, it is all over. In an instant. Poof.

I keep replaying it, wanting to believe that she hurt me and went away like it never meant a thing. Every 10 minutes I keep replaying all the good times we shared, all the fun we had frollicking around and how this time, I had more breadcrumbs of affection than ever before.

What I quietly put aside is that there was never any feeling of a romantic angle to it from her end, just platonic and the fact that their wiring forces them to go above and beyond in making the other person comfortable. 

What I quietly try to supress is that I was the one that went for that embrace, that misread the situation and thought that she was coming back and that there was some affection there. 

What also infuriates me is that I didn't get to say sorry. I didn't get to hear the other side. That person just chose to shut me out and gloss over the incident without a debrief on it. Just abandon without closure. While I also ask myself what closure I was looking for when there is clearly zero interest. I think I was looking for her to clearly delineate where I crossed lines. I was looking for her to admit that I wasn't entirely wrong about her feelings.

I think I was simply looking to soothe my ego that I wasn't wrong about her interest in me. I was. She was never interested in me. I was forcing it and she did the things she did out of courtesy and the kind person she is.

I think I simply hated being wrong.

I know I am confusing loneliness with attraction.

I know I am making the situation worse for myself by clinging onto it.

I have realized I have anxious attachment pattern, I get attached too quickly, do too much for them and then hurt myself too much in the process.

I am broken. I am in a million pieces right now. All my tools have been dismantled. I don't even have the energy to bring myself to fake a smile. I have no projects to help me keep myself on track. I have a job where I am not respected and it is a so-so situation. I am isolating myself from any kind of social interaction. I am sorry for worrying my parents as they can see I am lost and hurting but they can do very little to help me.

Higher powers and Alice, I don't know if I will ever make it back from here or is there a deeper pit that I will fall into soon. I hope I survive because I don't think I have the power in me to fall further.