I guess I am a liar

I was thinking of going on a bicycle ride and pushing long distances. Not the kinda thing one would immediately think of doing in this Delhi heat but immediately my justification came to me that it would make for a great story. 

I keep forgetting my principles. I know that if something is done for the sake of telling others, one might as well not do it. This generation of social media has taken over us to the point wherein if one does not shout out every detail of their world to the world it does not exist (one that does not care, might I add).

I am just being a liar and a storyteller in that case right? Doing it for somebody else or to brag or to sound cool just negates the very point of doing it. I had adhered to the principle previously. 

On the contrary, isn't it okay if I am trying to be the person that I consider cool? To do the things that would inspire me and not just be cool in the conventional sense of the word? Am I pretending if I am genuinely excited by these things?

What is it about being Vulnerable?

I can take a joke. Or I thought I did...I can roast and be roasted back...or I thought I did.

In most cases, I am never really pertubed by what people say about me or my quirks. 

However, these past few months when I was swooing over a person, every roast that they made felt like it was the end of the world. It made me question my worth, my existence and shattered me in a million pieces and scattered my mind in a million directions. 

Why did I get hurt by this? Why is that person saying such mean things to me? Why are they being so mean? If they are roasting me do they think I am important or do they feel to the same extent that I do about them?

I have made this mistake before with SB and extroverts in general, where little attention, which for extroverts is not a big deal, makes me feel too many things, mostly unwarranted and definitely unreciprocated.

I can and have been running all the permutations in my head, trying to catch signs of where there was any affection shown and where I wasn't wrong in my assumption. The truth is, I was wrong.

The shitty part is that I didn't mean to break their trust, but I did. I know they will be more guarded than ever and I apologize to the overlords out there for causing this.

What I also have realized is that I am pretty bad at this. I am wired for overthinking and overassuming whereas people do not operate at that level and it scares them off. I am and will forever be NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I am not sorry about liking somebody but I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to keep it to myself because they were not at the same page.

On the flip side though, I would also like to question if I am allowed to feel bad about myself? If I am, then I would like to add if I could have been let down better? Could their have been some grace show instead of making me feel like the shittiest piece of shitter on this planet who only had an ulterior motive all this time? 

Obviously I can have feelings for a person, emotions are generally not in our control, but if I was being bratty about it or giving my emotional baggage to someone else to handle then I would be wrong. However, I just confessed my feelings while also being understanding enough to say that I know they don't feel the same and I am there to figure out how how to best deal with it. 

I didn't ask them to deal with me but I am getting upset that they didn't care enough to actually think about how I may be feeling? Goes on to show their side in a way. It could simply be that they might be overwhelmed and not know how to deal with it. Or that I spoke too much and they thought I had figured it out all by myself and it is pointless to try and explain.

I do talk too much. I don't have shit figured out. I am just as much of a mess as the next person, if not more. I am broken. I need a purpose that drives me and a creative outlet that occupies me. I need to sort my shit out first and then worry about who I let in. I made a mistake in letting people in. I should not have...

Thoughts when I am spiralling

There is rejection and then there is whatever happened to me or keeps happening to me (this is now the second time it has happened)

In this RC chapter, I have to call out one of my key behavioural patterns that I have figured out. When I am expecting reciprocation (mind you, it is all in my head, and I had no real data to back it up) I have ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT patterns This was bad. I was unable to regulate my emotions properly and my moods did depend on the other person and their behaviour at that point, which obviously they weren't trying to be deliberate about. I am flagging this as pretty bad because it would have definitely muddied my data and ability to read the situation. This reeks of desperation. Time and space will most likely tell me that it was un-wise of me to be so naive.

Although, I would also like to counter it by saying that I knew the consequences and I knew it was a long shot and even a no shot, but I chose to take it. Courage or desperation? I will never know!

All I know is that my actions have hurt a person that I really cared about because I betrayed their trust and ended up losing a friend in the process. The devil's advocate in me does ask if I could ever just be friends with her because I saw her differently and I would like to say no, but I also have SB data and currently whatever happens, I know for a fact that I am not going back there.

I know I have to pay up for the hurt I have caused and I am ready to do that, but for the life of me, if I could find a way to make it better or repair the hurt I have caused, I would do it. I want to stand up and take charge but I have little control over how it goes. I have to pull back and wait for the other person because the ball is in their court and unless they allow me, I have lost all the rights to initiate a conversation. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I don't know how to solve this. A safe space is what everyone deserves and I don't know how to help create one anymore.

Shit. I really went and outdid it this time. Should have kept my mouth shut. But I still don't believe that I should have kept it shut. I still believe in telling it. Those 30 seconds...were they courageous or stupid?

Musings of the day

Musings:

You know what I will accept? The fact that it wasn't enough for the sigmoid function to give the output as 1. But don't you stand there and tell me that it was a flat 0. It sounds desperate and it probably is, but how can I be so wrong all the time? How can my parameters for evaluation and assessment be so far off that it has always been misunderstood or misconstrued?

I know curation of a personality that will perfectly fit with the expectation of the other person is a normal and expected trait of an ADHD but was it really all that it was? Did I fail to see through this pretense? Not even a glimmer of lapse on this front? Or it could very well be that I only saw the portions that would fit in line with my expectations.

What I still don't get is people's expectation of similarity. No, obviously two different humans cannot have the same point of view or have all their interests align. Even if it did, is it even the right metric for evaluation? Wouldn't I want the other person to hold themselves to a standard that I would aspire towards? Wouldn't  I want the other person to have the potential for growth and ability to have open-mindedness over sharing the same interests. Actually, now that I write it, both do matter, but surely they can't be such detractors in case of a mismatch?

I can't guarantee the future, but how does one show that one is willing to see it through? Through thick and thin? The hard part, to stay and figure it out? I don't know what other ways can I prove my diligence and the very fact that I am thinking of projecting it makes me feel like a fraud who is faking it. These things are ingrained in a person's psyche and in the end it is a matter of reading people and trusting them.

WHY ARE WE SO AFRAID OF TRUST? Why are we so afraid of taking a decision and living through the consequences?

I made the mistake again: The RC Chapter

It happened again. I went and made another mistake. I fell for somebody who clearly wasn't into me. Just because they were kind and extroverted, I took it incorrectly. I mistook a nice human being for one that would be interested in me.
It wasn't that the signs weren't there. All the signs were clear as daylight. No, not the ones that would point towards her being into me, but the other way around. Signs that clearly stated that I was nothing more than just a friend. The constant jabs, the clear stories on the past where introverts have mistook her, the fact that she wasn't interested in most men because they didn't understand her background and many more.

Well, I would like to give some grand explanation as to why my data analysis pointed towards interest from her end, but to be fair, it would be BS and just me trying to find data to fit my narrative.

Also, I would like to apologize to the higher powers out here for setting out on this path. I would like to apologize for causing trouble and making a person think twice about being nice to anybody else in the future. I did not want to reinforce that men are stupid (NO, I never crossed any lines...EVER!) but having feelings when clearly the other side was not interested was stupid on my end.

I would also like to argue on my behalf and remind that emotions are generally not in control of humans. Humans have historically done stupid things and I would like to continue that trend. I am not ashamed that I fell for the person but ashamed that I saw the data and yet wasn't strong enough to overcome my emotions with rationality.

For the past few weeks before the eventual confrontation about the matter, I was pretty wound up. I was overthinking, anxious all the time, letting small things get to me. I was spiralling out of control.

Today, once this discussion was over, once she clarified that there was nothing, not even a single percent of interest from her side and that call ended, I am surprisingly at peace. I have been here before. I have made mistakes before. This I hope I can handle. I have been rejected multiple times before, this is not new. Obviously, my background, my height issue, my personality in general is going to be the deal breaker .

A simple question can be posed, what was that about her that I liked? Simple really.
I fell for the intellectual connection. The banter, the ability to speak without talking, to exchange a look and get what the other meant, even understand the unspoken insult that was hurled by one person to another. We fought (playfully). Like cats and dogs. All the time. Argued. Annoyed the hell out of each other. Yet, after two minutes we would be back to talking terms and in another two minutes we would go back to annoying each other. Rinse and repeat. Maybe to extroverts or other people it isn't a big deal. For me, however, this level of intellectual connection is rare. We thought similarly. We reacted the same way and dealt with things the same way. I didn't have to think about she would react, I would just trust her. I know this was pretty one-sided and assumed by me, but I thought this was a big and rare deal.

Maybe (I know) I think too much. I give too much weightage to emotional connection. Not many people do, not even the one I thought would do in this case. I was wrong. I have been wrong before and in the matters of the heart, I am mostly wrong all the time.

I liked the fact that she was forgiving and let my mistakes go. I could be real with her and she would accepting of the same. I cannot go as far as claiming if she was being real with me, although I would like to hope that I created enough of a safe space for her or anybody to talk to me without being guarded.

I am sorry that I complicated it. I do not know how to actually convey how sorry I am that I caused somebody else mental or emotional pain.

Sometimes doubts do creep into my mind given the fact that we would still each other at work whether I am making the other person uncomfortable. Again, let me re-iterate that I did not do anything untoward or crossed a line, just admitted to having a crush. That's it.

During the discussion, there was a part where I said, "I called out my feelings because I wasn't strong enough to deal with it myself." I don't believe in this statement. I believe in the fact that I felt something about it strongly enough to call it out, however, I also need to be mature enough to accept that it wasn't reciprocated. I really need to figure out if I can improve the process. I would like to assume that it takes some guts to call out what you believe in and handle the fallout maturely, but I can be wrong.

Is it a sign of weakness to be vulnerable? To admit to doing things incorrectly and asking for help? I don't know a lot of things and I am supposed to pretend that I know what am I doing?
I used to think there was merit in feigned intelligence and knowledge but now I no longer believe in it. I believe it is okay to look like a fool to the world. I don't get why we are so worked up over protecting an image of a perfect person who has no flaws. It took me a long time to wear my weirdness on my sleeve. I now push who am in terms of my weird interests first and then the rest. I am still the same person, or try to be at least. I don't have malice but I don't think people think of the same of me. I can't control that part and I don't want to be misunderstood, but I would rather have my conscience be clean over words.