On the passing of a Great

Mr. Shantanu Naidu, posted on the death of his mentor:

"...Grief is the price we pay for love"

Why do we spend our lives running away from things Alice?

PSA: Get a grip

A simple indicator of my control over my ADHD levels is how impatient I am when I am doing something. Maintaining concentration on an activity for long periods of time is something I was never able to do. 

On a good day I can get through a 30 minute session without getting majorly distracted. Currently, this has gone down to 15 minutes. I would like to blame none other than myself for this. For the past few months I have slipped and let go of the basics. Instead, I forgot that unlike others, or maybe exactly like them, I need to remind myself of the little behavioural traits for the muscle memory to not fade away.

Everyday I am anxious and trying to do too many things and end up getting nothing done. I need to arrest this slide and fast.

Key message to myself: You can't do everything. Stop trying to run in 500 different directions. Say no. Prioritize. Focus on the one area in that one thing and keep drilling down on it. If it doesn't interest you, move on. But once you know that you can tolerate it, don't quit it. Keep at it. 5 years. 10 years. Find the area that will be worth it and just dig down and keep at it.

Discipline. Discipline. Remember the plan. Don't skip the basics. Keep making small progress but don't let go of the little things. Fundamentals and the building blocks don't change. Read more. Drill down. Dig deeper. Ask the right questions. Understand first, talk later. Don't cut people off. Observe, don't retort. Read. Level up. Know more. 

What does it mean to be a dreamer?

What it means to be a dreamer?

Yes, I know the irony in the statement. I say I would like to work independently but I very well know, proven through data that I am bad at getting anythign done when there is no deadline. I need a goal, I need a reason to function or do anything.

But, despite the contradiction, after a gruelling day of work where there is a tight deadline or a steep learning curve (best days are those wherein I have to learn something new as well as interesting), when I sit back, I feel satisfied. Satisfied that the day was justified. That I have earned the right to be in the place I am, which is only because of luck and the people around me. I am baffled at how average I am and how entitled I am. Entitled, not in an arrogant way, but in a way of getting opportunities that others do not get.

A dreamer. Cool weather. A good view outside, be it sloping landscapes or overlooking lush greenery or overlooking the rest of the city from the window of a tall building. Having hope. Hope that I can improve.

Things that will probably never come to fruition

It should be a three part effort.

21P227: The life and musings of a person who never fit in

1. The struggles of an ADHD and contradictory information on overcoming it (spoiler alert: I couldn't)

2. How childhood struggles shaped my personality and dealing with anxiety

3. A convoluted love life

The focus should also be on how I deflect my faults and shortcomings to the point that I am willing to forego friendships just to escape being confronted about my behaviour or god forbid, have to work on anything on myself.

Trip back home: 11th Sept to 29th Sept 2024

 Lights out Alice! The following is compiled notes from my first trip back home after a short weekend in March. 

What does it feel like to be back? Has the feeling changed?

• My life still consists of the same things - running, sitting still, being bored; mundane for most but for me, there is calm, peace and quiet - essentially when one feels safe enough to let down their guards and isn't constantly worried about the future, a job, or one's ability to do it well all the time
• There is always that nagging feeling aka anxiety when I am outstation whether I am doing enough and that I have let off the gas. This doesn't go away and although this is not the best feeling in the world, it is good to have an assessment done time and again to figure out what my weaknesses and growth areas are. 
• I am barely able to deal with all the internal alarm bells to have the energy to channel towards creative pursuits in Gurgaon - writing used to be something I procrastinated because I never felt at peace in that uptown place in Gurgaon but there was this level of peace and calm in Mumbai as well but Mumbai sadly lacked job satisfaction which means Gurgaon is still the better option because of the professional front

I have written time and again of the chaotic harmony that is Liluah and especially the place that I live in. On one end is the hustle and bustle of the main road and parallel to it runs the now slowly derelict but once magnificent Railway colony, of ancient British architecture and wide open spaces, lined with trees and massive buildings, each adorned with their own playing ground. I know not of a fonder memory than growing up playing in these playgrounds. I vividly remember the rains, the puddles that used to form next to the tamarind trees at the gate, the truck carrying the Durga idol getting stuck there at night. Along came another truck to rescue the first one, while people gathered and tried all measures to help the first truck free itself. All this while the rain came pelting down and kids gathered from different buildings to watch the melee.

Noted at the time of leaving: 

As usual, leaving evokes a lot of emotions. After the initial rebellion against the way things are done here is over (it is just a different system and way of doing things; I was incorrectly seeing one being better than the other) I settled down and started to remember why I used to love Kol

Living here reminds me to focus on the essential and how one needs very little materialistic things to actually survive

Just my parents, the people who have done so much for me and the few good friends who have been around for so long.

I always felt that pressure to dress to a certain level and maintain certain "airs" around me in Delhi, less so in Mumbai. Nothing of the sort here. Discount the home and comfort effect. Fitting in is easier. Maybe because I have grown up here. More likely because I have very little interest in pretending.

The serene localities next to the hustle and bustle, this mix along with the grounded-ness of the people.

Don't forget having guiding lights. Parents might not have the best relationship between them but they are great role models. They make me strive to raise myself to a higher standard and get closer to their good habits.

The sense of calm or the lack of artificial urgency towards earning more. Kol pushes me to have pursuits that go beyond just earning more or bragging rights. It pushes me to think deeper, to look deeper, to introspect and solve the bigger problems and rise above the trivial ones.

Traffic is a mess, roads are narrow, lanes are overcrowded, job opportunities are limited, way or working is nuanced but the intellect is something that shines through. Kol has a lot of diligent and smart people, something that holds great attraction for me

This time I was slipping from my goals though. I was slipping from my routine and habits. The balance between work, parents and working out was something I was unable to establish and the recent fallout from NTC has resulted in lack of calisthenics as well. I need to get back to the grind and stop with the excuses

Having parents around is also a simple reminder to focus on the right things. We are all going to die. People who love us and care for us are not going to be around forever. Regardless of how much we grind and force meaning in our lives through our work life, I don't think that I can ever make a dent, mostly because I am below average in most regards (intellect primarily) and also because I lack the gumption and discipline.

My dad was a superstar in his office. His work ethic and knowledge levels were unsurpassed and people would come from far and wide to get his opinion. Post retirement, all I see is a person who is a relic of his former self. No, it is not because he has lost purpose. Or maybe it is, I don't know. But regardless of what has driven this, seeing my dad wither is irrefutable proof that *insert word for being forgotten* is bound to happen. 

Life goes on. The world moves on. What we do, especially for people who are greats, but only in a relatively small sphere of influence, doesn't really matter. 

Maybe, time will teach me that the above is incorrect. Maybe life happens in moments and even if we touch 1 life for the better, it is enough.

But the bigger question is why do I need to want to make a difference? Isn't being a good person and being there for family enough? If it isn't, then why is earning more a better yardstick, especially at the expense of family?

Alternatively, what is the point if we are all going to wither and die. I haven't found the right person yet and it is unlikely that I will. Further, I have no intention of ending up in a relationship for the sake of it. In short, I am bound to be lonely and devoid of that L word. Wouldn't it make sense in that case to earn enough to travel and fill that gaping hole of longing by numbing myself of feeling through travels and adventures? Nothing lasts, as I found out quickly during my tenure at Cipla that travelling without a purpose quickly wore me down.

I definitely know that I love the sheen of anything new and interesting. Anything that is previously unknown to me catches my fancy. Being the ADHD I am, I go into hyperfocus trying to decipher the field/thing. As soon as I see that I have reached the point where the learning rate is mediocre or low, I loose all interest. Slight hiccups cause major introspection. I get bored. I begin to question everything. I make new plans. Search for new things to do. Areas to learn about. Innovations to work on. Once 5-10 things are shortlisted, I set to work on a medium to long term plan to align with these new areas. How and where I can see myself. No previous memory of the five hundred times I would have repeated the same patterns. No previous memory of the last time I cleared the slate to align myself with my latest obsession and how I would spend the next five years working on it.

Fickle minded does not even begin to cover my ADHD. What sucks is that I start with such gusto. I make detailed plans. I have good ideas. I have reasonable ambitions in alignment with my intellect and ability. Yet, I lose all steam in the middle and give in as soon as the shine wears off. Sad. Hopefully I can change my habits but unless I remind myself to prioritize and stick to it, it is never going to happen  

Key message to myself: You can't do everything. Stop trying to run in 500 different directions. Say no. Prioritize. Focus on the one area in that one thing and keep drilling down on it. If it doesn't interest you, move on. But once you know that you can tolerate it, don't quit it. Keep at it. 5 years. 10 years. Find the area that will be worth it and just dig down and keep at it.

Discipline. Discipline. Remember the plan. Don't skip the basics. Keep making small progress but don't let go of the little things. Fundamentals and the building blocks don't change. Read more. Drill down. Dig deeper. Ask the right questions. Understand first, talk later. Don't cut people off. Observe, don't retort. Read. Level up. Know more. 

29.09.24 night update: 

Everything is a choice. Life is curated and not handed to us. Yes, there are decisions beyond our control but by and large it is upto us how go respond. It feels good to be wanted (ref to EY interest) but in the end it is just noise as the question that needs answering is whether it is the right thing for me.  I can work harder, give all my time and more to my job but at what cost? 

More money? Sadly, there is never enough of it. There is always a higher goal to climb. Stability and security is more important. 

What if I earn all that I think I need...what happens then? How much time I have lost with people that I care about? No, I am not advocating for not having ambition or drive, but this relentless pursuit comes at a cost, a cost which we mist be aware that we are bearing

Kids really need very little from their parents. I was proud of my dad for his knowledge and acumen, but I wouldn't want him to be away all the time in that pursuit, regardless of the pride I would have felt. We have grown up to realize that our parents didn't become rich and "it would be easier if we had *more* money", but I disagree with this notion. My parents never made me feel poor or lacking. I got the toys the notebooks and the fancy stationery, just not the fanciest ones or at the frequency where it is opulence. My dad never made me feel like I had any less when it came to supporting my ambition through college on failed startup and ventures. He supported me, not JUST through money, but more importantly through wisdom, encouragement to go out there, try, experiment, see the world, learn and fail.

Kids will remember their parents for the experience they share with them, for the world they travel together and the things they learn along the way. Life skills. Hard truths. Harsh realities. Grit. Perseverance. Not throwing money at a problem and if that is their takeaway, they are being brought up with the wrong value system.