Its back to square one

Lights out Alice!

I get to hate myself, don't I? I get to hate my situation, don't I?

Actually, I don't! When having these thoughts and entering any sort of conversation with myself, the first thing that I tell myself is that I have no right to feel this way. Yes, I don't have the right to feel hollow, to feel the sorrow or even wallow in the pain of loneliness. I don't get to do this because I am lucky. I am lucky to have my board of directors, my support system, who are always there for me, even on the days I have been a bad child. I don't get to say this because of my guardian angel, who always supports me in everything, especially the reckless ideas. I know I have written this time and time before, but it is just my way of reminding me that I am privileged and lucky and I don't have any right to complain.

But, but, the flipside is the fact that I have very little soul-satisfaction on a professional life and purpose front. I am lost. I am lost because I don't have anything to work towards and the work I am in is not something that drives my soul. No doubt when I am doing the job it can become engaging enough because it has technicalities and is challenging, but it hasn't reached the stage where it would drive me to get out of bed in the morning. 

I know I have to lay the ground work for anything I want to develop a competency for in the future. I have to grind, to put in the time if I remotely want to be in a position to be able to take advantage if any opportunities present itself. However, for the better part of the day, I spent my time in an environment that promotes cut-throat short term gratification, instant results, rapid action without any time given to let anything sit and simmer. Even though I do not want to, I generally give in to this short-term feedback loop, make big plans for the day and never get around executing even a third of them, if that. 

As a picture I came across while quickly scrolling through my phone because I got distracted reminded me, I am not putting in the time because I don't want it bad enough. We MAKE time for things that matter, we go the extra mile without being asked twice about it and hence if all I am finding time for is excuses, maybe the discipline is not strong enough. Not motivation, but discipline, because motivation would only come after there is some feedback on the positive front. Laying ground work for the future is a lot of hard work in the dark, most of which will not bear any fruit, and definitely none of them would bear fruit anytime in the short run. Which is what makes it tough. Which is also what makes it cool to work towards. 

I am okay with that, my actions need some time to catch up with it but there is a larger issue. The larger issue is that I can only choose a few paths to trench down in, but am unable to decide which paths I should lay the groundwork for. I don't know if these areas would be a good option to pursue full time, maybe the failure rate is too high, maybe it mis-matches with my professional journey and maybe it never works out right. The problem with having some form of a secured structure in life is that you stop taking risks, you become complacent and you stop believing that you can make it when you are working for an incumbent behemoth of a company. 

I laugh at what I have become. I used to always be ready to fight, but now I seem to have lost faith in my discipline, my grind. I have become complacent. I don't think I can win and that is exactly why I would lose. Because my purpose and the fire is not strong enough. The OPM (read Other People's Money) is reigning too much control over me.

I really hope Alice that this struggling phase will decrease, that I will get back on my feet and get somewhere. I hope that I don't mind failing and I take the risks rather than stay behind security and never try. I know it is stupid to think I will always have the luxury of being able to do reckless things, but I also hope I can decouple the ability to think freely that comes with being reckless and adopt it, while also having the sensible point of view brought about by age and responsibilities.

I hope I get better Alice! 

I am happy and sad, but is that bad?

Lights out Alice!

I initially wanted to write that the demons are back and I am pretty sad. Then I realized that I am currently sitting on the rooftop of a 16th floor hotel overlooking the Arabian sea on one side, Malabar Hills on another, Gateway of Indian on another and has a direct view to the home of the Ambanis but I am still kinda sad and mostly lost.

Yesterday, I had a pretty stonking day wherein I got to travel across Mumbai, in the rains, which is a pretty big plus, see cool cars, travel in empty trains at nights, all things that pretty much make for a perfect evening. Oh, not to discount the highlight of my day, which was getting to meet my sister, although it was only for half an hour.

I really like sombre evenings post rain, when the air is filled with earthen hope, cleansed of any past misgivings, with surroundings so vivid in colour that it fills ones heads with hope and etches ideas and optimism in colour. 

I don't know why I love travelling in trains, probably because my dad and my granddad were in the Railways and it was pretty much the coolest thing growing up. I always wanted to be a top engineer in the Railways, to bring about exciting innovations and be the change that I wanted to see in it. Even today, when I know that dream is long gone and the path that life has chosen for me has deviated from a government job or even traditional engineering domain, I still share the same passion and enthusiasm for trains, engineering and science. To be fair, I would like to believe that liking has increased somewhat given that it no longer has to fight the drudgery of politics, bureaucracy or the constant stressful feeling of being a below-average engineer in the field I really wanted to excel at. Every thing becomes a bit more rosy and appealing as long as you look at it from the outside and don't have to deal with the nitty-gritties. I think most of the things I like stem from that idea. I patronize and create a mirage of the best bits of a particular profession without taking into account the realities that accompany it side by side. I particularly like cars and would in a breath take up a job in the field, but I also know the sad reality that not everyone would share the same passion and enthusiasm for it and it might be a let down for me when I get there. I also believe that it can be the case that my knowledge and understanding will not stand the realities of the field and that I would be woefully inadequate when it came to actually wading through the depths of reality.